It has not been an easy month.
I find myself exhausted all the time. I feel like I'm dragging from bed time to bed time. Not a whole lot gets me excited.
I think that it's something physical; I'm achy, my back and my abdomen hurt almost all the time, and my head hurts a lot too.
I also wonder if a good chunk of it is mental; I'm tired of the routine, slightly bored at my job... and I have to be there most of my day and then some. The kids spend so much of their time and energy trying to get into stuff they are not supposed to and by the time I deal with them I'm too tired to keep up. And I'm frustrated with the day in and day out routine.
Paul got a part-time job which involves a lot of evenings out of the house. And I admit I was spoiled; counting on his help every time I handle the kids. Now we just swap baby-sitting duties. So we each do the cleaning, the kid-keeping, and the cooking by ourselves. It's not fun. Although I will pull some great stories about things the kids did from times like these. When I can look back on them and laugh about it instead of cry because I have to clean up - again - and again, and again...
And I know it's not all that bad. At all. The kids are wonderful! And with God's help I've been able to do things to help me grow; school, dog shows, karate, etc. I'm finding the discipline to exercise, and I'm weaning off my dependency on soda and caffeine to function. So it really is all a mind over matter game; changing the way I think, which changes the way I perceive things, which changes the way I react.
I'm choosing to focus on being thankful (and the month of November helps with that!). I'm also reading his word, reading devotions, at morning and at night. The challenge is all the time in-between when I actually have to deal with difficult people or situations, but that's where prayer comes in. I pray that God will help me to remember what I read and to live by it.
His Word is so encouraging to me. It reminds me that He is not manipulative, or difficult to please. I don't have to play mind games with God, trying to earn His favor, wondering what He thinks of me. I can trust Him, trust His love for me, and know that He's not flaky. It's a sense of relief (physically and mentally), when I can just be myself, unwind, and know that it will all be ok.
He's encouraged me to stop trying to reconcile what I think I should be God's will to what is actually happening, because in my mind I'll never figure it out. I can't understand why things have led up to this point or where they are going. And though there is a sense of personal responsibility and accountability, I know that ultimately I'm just not that much in control. I don't have the power to do/undo what God has planned. So it's easier to trust Him. Break it down into bite-sized pieces, one day at a time... one moment at a time. Do my best today and then leave the outcome to the Lord. He is good. It will be ok.