Had such a bad hair day...

Ok I guess I want to blog about what I decided to do.... shave my head... which is by far the most spontaneous thing I have EVER done... but I want to walk through it in prayer that you would understand.First of all, I have always .. ALWAYS... been moved by cancer patients and cancer survivors. I had a minor case of cervical cancer, and short of a minor surgery I was fine. But then I remember my grandmother's long, and defeating battle. How she died about a month after our wedding... How much I wanted to fly her up here and how clueless I was to how sick she really was - because she never let on that she was DYING from cancer. All her conversations were about you: How are YOU doing? What are YOU up to? What do YOU want me to send you? So when 2 weeks before my wedding she says, "You know, I just don't feel well enough to fly up there right now... but maybe we'll see each other this summer? Or you and Paul can vacation here for Christmas?" I was disappointed, but no where near as aware of what happened until my mom called me in tears. My mom was able to see her before she passed away... and my mom still can't talk about what she looked like or how that experience was - and it was 5 years ago!

Then I remember keeping up with my Aunt's status reports after she was diagnosed with breast cancer... How she kept losing weight.. How she lost her hair... and some teeth. Which she was already a very thin woman with short hair - I couldn't imagine her any thinner. My mom went down there that summer and helped her out a bit. She recovered, and is cancer free now. I never fathomed what I would look like any other way than this:
I signed up for Relay for Life and I had a few wonderful people donate $130 out of my $300 goal. And I thought that was awesome! And I can totally walk for a whole day if that helps advance cancer research. And I'm still prepping to borrow a tent and pull together a team to walk with me.

Then one Saturday morning my sister-in-law wants us to go to something that she was invited to somewhere... I'm like, "Sure!" And then this is what is going on:

People have pledged to shave their head in exchange for donations. And the donations are for treatment for children with cancer. And when I walked in, they had raised already $19,000+. They also had a bone marrow donor booth where you can sign up for the registry if you let them take a swab of the inside of your cheeks. They had face painting, auctions, etc. And I saw beautiful, bald young children making friends with Anakin.

And as I asked how it works and all, I had an inward conversation with myself (and maybe God? I guess I don't know) and I just felt... Lord, we've had it so good. And we are so comfortable. And I can't remember the last time I did something that required some stretching on my part. It's like we have reached a new age of Christianity where, here in the US, we're not even familiar with sacrifice; we serve where we are able, when we are able, but we never inconvenience ourselves. Lord, how can the world truly know who YOU are?

Well, it's been my prayer theme this week too. I want God to shine through me. What can I do to live above the status quo? Raise the bar on my own definition of being a city on a hill. I want to know at the end of my road that I gave it my all, and left it all here, and there are no regrets. That I loved with everything I had, and then some. That no matter what their previous or other experience was, people would have a more accurate perception of my loving Savior because of having known me - if nothing else.

Then I thought, who could need to know about Christ more than a child who is struggling with cancer? Who could I think of that would need to experience His love the most in this present moment than the children who are relying on this event? And you know, it would irritate me to be condescended by another Christian who maybe would feel the only appropriate way to give is through a church... not that it has happened, but it's a potential peeve.

So I donated my hair to Locks for Love and I registered to raise some $$.

Now please don't assume that I'm insinuating you have to shave your head to be a good Christian, it was a personal challenge to ME to be more sacrificial - God will lead you in your ways. But now my prayer is that I didn't just shave my head to do so, but that it raises funds.
So I'm going to include the link below, and I'm begging you to give. You don't have to shave your head bald. I did. You can just give. Skip out on ONE starbucks, or McD's, and give $5. If every friend I had did so, I can well raise over $500. No exaggeration. Just pass it along.

See, most people think that to give you need to wait until you have an extra $100. Well that never comes. But you CAN choose to say "I can pass on eating out one time this week" and donate the money you would've spent.

Here it goes!
Maria Hass St. Baldrick's Participant Page

Message to Church-Goers

I would love nothing more than to call every person that likes to attend church regularly a Christian.  But the truth of the matter, there’s no way I could qualify ANYONE at church to be a Christian… It’s a big pill to swallow!  We can only pray.

I read today John 6-7.  Jesus said that we were to “eat of his flesh and drink his blood”… That turned many of his would-be disciples away.  Many liked him.  Many believed in him.  But this standard was hard to accept, and after he qualified his followers with that statement – only 12 remained… one of which would still betray Him.  And I think that’s a good point to take to heart.  The term “Christian” means more than those who “believe Jesus” as opposed to Allah, or being Hindu, or Buddhist.  Unfortunately in America it’s kind of a label slapped loosely on people; Republican, anti-abortionist, white, southern, conservative, Christian, anti-gay, anti-rap music, etc…  It can describe a person who only attends church on Easter and Christmas, who swears like a sailor and is a bigot, but would consider himself a Christian with the same level of respect as if the Star-Spangled banner was being played during a baseball game:  To take a few minutes out of the year and stand with their hats off and the right hand on your chest.

First I saw a tremendous determination on Jesus’ part to let the people know exactly who He was and what He wanted.  He is preaching to the people, and they get hungry – so He feeds them (all 5000 men + wives and kids).  Then they want to make Him king by force and put Him up against the Roman empire – so He blatantly lets them know they missed the point.  It’s like He was saying, “Hello!  I am the God who loves you and wants to take care of you!  And I care more about you than the things of this world, I need you to understand you need me to LIVE.  Like you need bread and water, you need Me.  My words.  Even the greatest miracle recorded in Hebrew history – how they were fed with bread from heaven across the desert for 40 years – doesn’t mean a blessed thing.  You need to LIVE, and that through ME.”

So He went from doing a miracle to placing an abrupt hand on their forehead when they were just seeking Him for what they can get out of it for themselves.  And I think that’s one level of “church-going” we are all too familiar with:  Going to church and serving Christ to see what He can do for you.  How He can give me all I want.  How the music at church can make ME happy.  How the ministries at church can feed ME.  It’s a very shallow and self centered kind of church attendance that is the most popular – but completely misses the point of what Christianity IS.

Christianity, after all, was the term given to those who years after Jesus’ death and resurrection looked so much like Him they brought Him glory.  They lived like He did, talked like He did, but most importantly: Loved like He did.  Makes you ask yourself, “Am I a Christian?  Not ‘do I go to church’ or ‘do I believe in God’ – but am I Christ-like to where others would see a Risen Savior LIVING in me?”

And when Church is really a group of Christians united – not a social club, not an “insider’s things”, not a “mega” structure of feel-good Sunday morning experiences, but a network of Christ followers uniting to powerfully reflect the hands and feet of God to the world…. That’s when the Name of Christ will be respected in our communities, and we’ll see many people touched.

I am praying through “Seek God for Your City 2010”.  And the points from yesterday and today have been hitting me square in the head.  If we prayed with an outward focus on everything we do inside the church, then maybe church could be more than just an optional Sunday morning activity that some prefer, while others sleep in.

I prayed:
- That Christian ministries would be prayed out, empowered, funded, and designed to increase the impact of local churches in the community.  That the ministries would be focused on loving those who are hurting and lost, so that it would benefit those who really need it.
- That believers could see gathering on Sunday morning as more than just a “to do” list or at best, a pleasant experience – but rather what it really is:  a taste of what it’s like to finally go home.  That it’s how God let’s us get a glimpse of what our destiny is when we come as loved sons and daughters and celebrate together before Christ’s throne.
- That we may be fused as one according to God’s purpose, to bear His beauty.

His Word says of CHRISTIANS that “by the rivers [of living water, His Spirit as defined by Jesus in John 7] will grow all kinds of trees for food [the REAL Christians].  Their leaves will not wither and their fruit will not fail… and their fruit will be for food and their leaves for healing.” (Ezekiel 47:9,12 paraphrased).  Jesus is the life-giving river to the world.  We are to be trees that feed and heal the nations.  We are to be sources of healing to those who are broken, hopeless, and hurt.  That’s who Jesus was on earth.  That’s who Jesus is in His resurrected glory.  Is that who YOU are?  If you so freely declare, “I am a Christian”, would those who don’t know God and don’t live for Him see YOU as a nourishing, healing source?

Don’t we see that NATIONS are supposed to be restored and healed through the work of the CHURCH as CHRISTIANS follow the teachings of JESUS?  Don’t you see that WE hold the hope to Haiti, and Iraq, and Ethiopia, and every other poverty-stricken country of hurting, broken people?  But how can we ever even fathom NATIONS if we can’t even positively impact our homes and our workplace?  If our church isn’t even impacting the families of houses that live down the block and down the street?

Praying and Waiting…

I guess I can officially say that I am terrified.  But like every season, there’s a time to be happy and there’s a time to be on your toes.  I guess God has this season for me to be on my toes in prayer.  I don’t really know.

While I can’t and won’t discuss details online, I will say that everything I’ve ever believed and thought I knew is being put to the test.  It’s like I’m being sifted, to see if I really do have absolute faith and reliance on my Lord and Savior or will that crumble under this test…. ?  And I’m sure many others have felt at this point under much more strenuous circumstances.  Under harder circumstances.

I just keep thinking of the song “Held” by Natalie Grant:

This is what it means, to be held

how it feels when the sacred is torn from life

and you survive…

this is what it is, to be loved

and to know that the promise was

when everything failed… we’d be held.

The real question is:  Will I still be holding on to God when this trial is through?  I hope I will be.  I pray I will be…

 

So in the meantime I went out with my family this Saturday, bargain shopping and picking up a few details we had done without for so long.  We had an enjoyable time and we drove by the Cook Inlet to get a glimpse of the waterfront:

I know God is at work in this scene; even though everything seems dead and uninhabitable, the scenery is still so amazingly beautiful and inviting.  I love Alaska.  And I know that like this picture, God is at work in the “winter” moments of my life.  It’s not in vain!

Relay for Life

I signed up to do Relay for Life this year. I had to. I felt compelled to DO something about the things I'm passionate about.

I guess what I'm getting from reading the book of Luke is that Jesus put his money, time, and energy where His mouth was. I think He wants us to do likewise. Good intentions and good wishes are fine, but if Jesus performed his ministry with nothing more tangible than good wishes, nobody would care about His sermons. When it comes to activism, social work, and cultural reform - He is truly the MASTER!

So I saw that Anchorage was having Relay for Life in May. And I thought of my grandma, and my aunt, and my mom's aunts... and Sis. Rance, and me.... By God's grace mine was no biggie and it was benign... But still... Cancer is just something that has hit close to home, and I would like to do my part to help fund the medical field in this area.

So I have agreed to walk around a park for 24 hours straight - alternating with Paul... I need a team! I need a few more people so that there's always one person on the track while others get a break. I'm praying for the resources for the day.

I'm thankful that I've got financial sponsorship already. I'm almost 25% of the way there in 1 day! I thank God for the people who sponsored me.

After that, I picked my next 2 top topics.
1) SPCA! That stands for Sociaty for the Prevention of Cruelty against Animals. And today I donated $10 to their Operation Baghdad Pup. That is an initiative to help the soldiers in Iraq who befriend stray animals during their tour, to bring the animals stateside. It is against the law for enlisted men to take car of or won animals in a war zone, and they cannot use their transportation to send the animal home. So the SPCA flies in, takes the animal, immunizes it so it meets international flight standards, and then they fly the animal home to their new owners. It helps the soldiers in the heat of the war to bear with their deployment much better.

2) Pro-Life. I am 100% pro-life. I was thinking about it as I was mentioning it to a coworker, but I can't forget how the doctors wanted to push Paul to allow an abortion in October of 2006, with my very first pregnancy, because the baby had "no hope": He was oxygen deprived too long, his heart rate was low... He was probably going to pass away during the night anyways, and even if he did survive he would have such mental/physical complications that he "wouldn't be worth it". That I should just start over and try again. Had we caved in, I would've forfeited on Anakin. Which if you know anything about my family, you know Anakin is far from handicapped. He's one of the biggest blessings in my life, my buddy and my helper, and the man of the house (at the age of 3.5) when Paul isn't home. I just firmly believe that Doctors should be more pro-life themselves, so that more babies who have a chance can make it. There are already babies that don't make it - miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, birth defects, complications with the pregnancy... If it isn't meant to be, then it won't - but that shouldn't be the Doctor's first option when things get tough. With so many personal losses to babies that we want, why on earth would we pull the trigger on "maybes"? And don't even get me started on abortion as a form of birth control.

Well that's that. Just my new 2 cents, for all that it's worth.

So Everything Is Working Out Ok

The kids are blossoming. I don't know how else to describe it, but I love it. I love being witness to it. Any parent can testify to how amazing it is to see a child grow.

Anakin is becoming so socially mature; he greets other kids, introduces himself, tries to befriend everyone. He listens better to me. He's so cute and supportive. When I work out infront of him, he cheers me on like a good coach, "C'mon Mommy! Push yourself! You can do it! One more!" How could you NOT work out to inspiration like that?

Brielle is learning to go to the potty. I have to admit, at first I thought her teacher was lying. Apparently, at school she's already fully potty trained and stays dry all day. It wasn't happening at home at all. But slowly but surely we started seeing her tell us, or go by herself... It hasn't been an accident free weekend, but we've done A LOT LESS cleaning up. I'm so proud of her - and her confidence in herself is so high! She throws less temper tantrums and communicates more. It's hilarious to hear her say, "Mommy! Bubba's bothering me!" It cracks me up.

Paul is putting them to sleep right now...

Caleb is just all smiles. He barely fusses on an easy day. On a more exciting day, he has a hard time going to sleep - a little over-stimulated. It would freak me out more, but being the 3rd one, I know there's no harm done in letting them cry for a bit. But he wakes up and smiles at you, tries to talk to you, and sometimes flat out laughs at you. He's only 3 months old, going on to 4. It's amazing: I thought that baby #3 would make me exhausted and miserable. I find my self with new strength and new love every day! I love him so much! And the Lord is with me. He gives me more than enough to go around!

I find myself truly experiencing that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. I run out at times, I feel worn out by the kids or on a short fuse. And then I stop and catch my breath - and pray - and I feel a "second wind" charge me up. Lets me do one more household chore... play one more game... read one more story... rock Caleb one more time. Without getting grumpy, without wishing I was asleep. With full joy. I know it's God.

I also know that He is with me in going back to work. My kids are flourishing at day care - it's meeting a need in them that I guess wasn't being met when they were home all day with me. They love it, they are doing great. I have peace of mind at work, and I know why I'm there. God has ordained all my steps for a reason - a good reason! I don't think it's a coincidence that I end up being the only pro-life, "Bible-thumping", Republican-to-be conservative in my work place. I firmly believe that if I allow God's love to shine through me, and I am a person whose character and personality is agreeable and maybe even likeable, then there's a better chance that my values would be held in better respect by those who possibly would not have considered my side before. It's hard to "represent". But God is with me, to help me BE a blessings to those who come across my way. I'm not braggin' on myself, it's just what I'm trying to accomplish. I don't want to leave a bad taste in some one else's mouth, so to speak.

I guess the Bible describes it as a scent. Somewhere in 2nd Corinthians He says that we are a fragrance, either of life or of death. To some people, our scent means death to them - they don't like it, or they are allergic. To others we are refreshing, like the smell of lavender. But you can't have a bad smell and cover it up with a good smell. Have you ever forgot clothes in the washing machine? The smell doesn't come off unless you wash it again. And how many kids have you seen come out of P.E. and spray cologne all over, only to STILL knock the nose hairs off with their armpit smell? I have the same perspective for being a Christian. Personally, I don't want there to be anything in me or about me that offends someone else - because if I repell them, then they won't "smell" the goodness of Christ either - and they'll turn away from HIM as well as me.

Not everyone likes lavender though. So I know that even with out trying, even "smelling my best", there will be thsoe that are still offended by what I stand for and what I believe in. And they'll be turned off, and turned away, no matter how hard I try. I won't compromise my God and how good He's been to me for anyone.

And God helps me. He helps me at work and at home. He helps me to exercise. I don't know if I've lost weight, and I don't know why, but exercising and eating healthy is DEEPLY tied to my walk with Christ. I never would've thought one thing has anything to do with the other. But it goes back to "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength". If I'm not deeply nourished by Him, I don't have the energy or will power to exercise. But when I'm in communion with him, I'm on a roll working out. And I feel like I owe it to Him to have my body in the best condition possible - specially after 3 kids and it's effect on my body. It's not even about how I look (though flatter abs would be great!) but more about how I feel. And the biggest thing is that I want to have the discipline to be consistant: I want to know that I can command my body to exercise, eat healthy, and make good choices. I guess it's because if I can discipline myself in this area, then I know that I can discipline myself to fast, to watch my tongue, to pray without ceasing. And somehow my faith in God's power and His work in my life is hanging on Him helping me meet simple physical goals. I learned this week I can't do it on my own strength. But I definitely CAN do all things through HIM who gives me strength when my own is run out.

So it'

New Year, New Stuff

Well, I had to call in sick today because it felt like my head was snow-plowed. I was in bed till about 2 in the afternoon, when I realized I was really hungry and I had to pee. It was nice to be able to give my body the rest I needed while the kids are in day care. And even though right now I don't feel exactly great, I definitely feel capable of going to work tomorrow. My God knows what I need.

The kids had an awesome time at day care. Anakin and Brielle LOVE going to school, and they come home tired, which is excellent for me. I know I'm doing the right thing. Caleb also did great at his babysitters house and came home a happy talkin' baby. Sometimes I panic but God always takes care of my fears and shows me that He is with me.

And I mean that... He is WITH me. Sometimes we believe that God is against us, or that He may be indifferent to the things we care about. But He has shown me that is not the case; He cares about what is important to me. He cares about my dreams! The things I desire. And somehow He manages to incorporate it all into His big plan - which is a big thing. How many times have you been stuck in the conundrum of wondering whether something you want is also something God wants? And then which way do you go? And what happens when you go with what you want... do you feel guilty? Like you somehow betrayed Him, and now He may not bless you?

I don't know where I began struggling with all these questions; they are not even biblical. Maybe because it's the cliche that other well-intending christians use when they don't like a desire you are pursuing... "Well, are you sure that's what God wants for your life?" Maybe it's some really bad theology when it comes to understanding the "will of God" and the "fear of God" and somewhere down that road we lose trust in the One we can count on through anything.

What 2009 taught me is that you can have a relationship with God. It's not a one-way dictatorship. You can tell Him the desires of your heart and then earnestly believe that these things matter to Him and that He loves YOU enough to want them for you too. That's why it's called a "Christian walk" and not a "Christian drag".

And this is where it can get tricky, because the road is narrow, and any concept taken far left or far right will distort Scripture. God will not compromise His holiness to give you what you want. So He may answer "No." Or "Wait." He is the Almighty God - not a genie in a bottle - and He won't be manipulated. But in a relationship with Him (a true relationship, like with your spouse) there is an interchange of desires and ideas and a working together... like a beautiful dance with the Holy Spirit, where both dance partners agree on the steps to take; us being led by Him, but in willing submission, to enjoy the masterpiece that is made together. Am I making any sense?

Knowing God's word helps tremendously. When you want to know Him and the things He desires, you read His Word. Then you get to know His heart. And then you'll find that His desires become yours. And you have the confidence to share with HIm your desires because you can see that His faithfulness to us brings Him glory. And in a relationship with Him you learn to distinguish between desires so that you do not pursue those that would fall contrary to His nature.

One example I can give is my job. I wanted to go back to work, and stop being a stay at home mom (my desire). I was praying about different goals that Paul and I had for our family, like get out of debt, get Anakin into a school setting, and save for trips (our desires). I wanted to reach outside the four walls of my home and be able to touch other people, to meet knew people and use my skills in a way that would help others (His desire), so that His light could shine through me (His desire). And He opened a way for me to get a job that I feel I am uniquely capable of doing, that meets the financial needs of my family, that allows me to "minister" to others, where I'm getting to know people I otherwise would've never met. Only in Christ would it all come together. It did mean that I had to turn down another job I wanted because I felt that the one God was suggesting was better (obviously - after all, He IS all knowing!).

So now to a new year! May God take you this year in the greatest adventure of your life, where you will have no choice but to walk by faith and not by sight. It will try you like nothing else, and you will be incredibly upset at me for praying this upon you! But in the end, when you look back, you'll be greatful that you were that stretched and pressed. He is a good stone to fall on to if you are going to be falling anyways.