Lioness Arising... in midnight ramblings...

It's a really good Bible study! I recommend women everywhere to try to do it at their churches. It's by Lisa Bevere. I read through the first chapter and I'm hooked!

Now the book and study guide are out of my reach and I'm lazy, so bear with my paraphrase please, I just want to recount the image that's been in my head all day and its significance:

The rangers have just darted a male lion, tranquilizing him so they can work on removing a tracking collar they've had on him. They are about to approach the lion when they hear a growl and from the grass rises a lioness. Realizing the danger they are in, one of them comments, "To get to him, we're going to have to tranquilize her."

That lioness was not gonna let anyone approach her man. I can see myself in that - you insult my husband, or my kids, and it won't be pretty. Most women would agree that we can take a lot of things directed at US versus our family.

It hit me, however, when the question was posed, "How does Satan use the same tactic?" I sat there wowed by the spiritual lesson that was unfolding before me.

They tranquilize the lioness and work quickly, noting how her eyes were constantly fixed on them. "Nothing is more dangerous than a lioness fully awake."

It hit me what kind of threat I would be to Satan and the forces of darkness if I was fully conscious, fully awake. But to be honest I feel like I've been "tranquilized" for a long time! Mostly tired, kinda' lazy... letting day after day go by without doing anything useful, let alone Kingdom-minded! Working to get home, feed the kids, go to sleep, and do it over again. And even in that, I was barely functioning with the kids - just keeping them fed and clean and safe from disaster if at all possible.

It goes further than just me as an individual but also the church, as the bride of Christ. Nothing is more dangerous than the church fully awake!

"But make sure that you don't get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God. The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing! God is putting the finishing touches on the salvation work he began when we first believed. We can't afford to waste a minute, must not squander these precious daylight hours in frivolity and indulgence, in sleeping around and dissipation, in bickering and grabbing everything in sight. Get out of bed and get dressed! Don't loiter and linger, waiting until the very last minute. Dress yourselves in Christ, and be up and about!" - Romans 13:11-14, The Message.

God calls us to be awake too, He says it through out even across the different translations. When I think of the different things that lioness accomplish while they are awake, I know they feed their young, they protect their families, they guard against enemies... but I also know one thing - they don't work alone! The lionesses in the pride will work together to accomplish the success of the pride.

Oh, what happens when the women in the church get together to do ministry! And not just be exhausted in "doing", but actually hug, love, pray, encourage each other! And pray with a fire! What would happen if we got fierce about what we believe?

I'm too tired now to get into it like I want to. But the truth is that we women have influence - married or not, there are people that count on us for our friendship, for our encouragement, even for our protection. We need to be awake, alert, conscious as Christians of the call in Romans. I need to be more alert. More mission-minded. More Kingdom-minded.

We need to prioritize our lives so that what we do matters! And stop wasting so much time on those things that don't matter! We need to be fierce about defending not only our families but our faith, because we are a force to be reckoned with. Let the forces of darkness know, "She is here... We can't just walk in, we are in danger!" And we need to bond with each other, welcome each other into the "pride" so to speak... It's not a call to be aggressive towards people, just be alert towards the Kingdom work God created us for.

I guess the reason why this touch of the bible study spoke to me is because I desire it with all of my heart. To really BE there for my kids and my family. To support and offer my strength to my church. To not feel so wimpy, whiny, and scared... So weak, so much of a failure... rather I want to be a threat to the Enemy. Lord, help me wake up from the dart guns that Satan has hit me with, and be about Your work for me here. I want to take my position in my home with courage and faithfulness. I want to arise from this slumber and start moving with the fierce beauty that You created me with, and fiercely open my heart to serving and loving others, offering my growl for those who cannot speak for themselves... No longer afraid of being hurt (again) but with the confidence that comes from knowing that above man, I can trust You.

Making-Do

Lately I've put the kids to sleep by reading a bible story to them and praying, and there is such a peace that comes over that room, we all just fall asleep with a smile on our faces... I've been falling asleep with them - maybe even ahead of them!

Tonight I let Paul put the kids to sleep so I can accomplish some much needed housework. Our balcony, our kitchen, and our yard looks MUCH better (and Paul helped with that too!).

I still have a couple of "messes" here and there, which should be taken care of by tomorrow.

I made a chart with all the things I wanted to accomplish each day, so that I break down everything that needs to get done into a few manageable tasks each day. I don't always do everything on the list, but I've been a bit more on-track (at least with school work). I haven't quite exercised yet. And I have woken up every morning to pray - just from my bed... not quite made it to my Bible this week, but I will keep trying until I get there.

I am so thankful for biblegateway.com! I read my bible tonight online. I was in the living room and it was late, the baby was going to sleep and I couldn't keep all the lights on... so I just opened my laptop and read the book of Zephaniah in the NLT. It spoke to me.

I've experienced the sting of judgment, the burn of consequences resulting from all the choices I made outside of God's guidance. But I love how that book ends: "He will rejoice over you with singing, He will calm your fears, He will redeem you with love..." One of those last verses, as if to drive the point - no matter how bad it seems things have to get before you have your head on right and turn in the right direction, your Heavenly Father is right there to receive you, comfort you, and cheer for you from that moment on! There is redemption, and there is restoration.

I experienced His redemption when I accepted Christ as Savior. Through the eternal power of the cross, Jesus pointed to me and told the Father, "This wild child is mine!" He paid the price for me. I belong to Him and there is nothing that can change that. Romans says that there's no height, no depth, nothing in the past, nothing in the present, and nothing in the future that can separate me from God's love. Jesus said, "All those that the Father gives me are mine, and no one can snatch them out of my hand," in John. He is the Good Shepherd, and even if all the other 99 in sheep in His care are perfect and pretty in the pasture, He never says, "Ok... I got 99 left. This will do." Nope. He goes out and finds me, and carries me back to the flock... as many times as it takes until I am in Heaven.

I am waiting for His restoration. I don't know entirely what it will look like, although I have some earthly ideas.

I think restoration for our family will look like a 2 bedroom home (at least) where the kids can sleep in their own bedroom and not on the sofa in our living room. And Paul has a good job. And I'm actually doing good at my job. And we are thriving, versus the "surviving" we are doing now.

I possibly see us plugged in to a church where we are making meaningful connections within the fellowship and have found our "ministries", so to speak - our points of service in God's kingdom where our talents and gifts combine with a need, and we can share God's love in some way...

Maybe I will even have a fully restored heart, free from bitterness, pain, or regret. A heart that truly forgives (I have to wrestle with this one every day). I'd love to be back to my joyful self of having energy and reading books, blogging more often, thinking of things to do for God's kingdom... Hopeful and looking forward to the things that God has with me with anticipation. I can't say that I'm quite there yet, but I am definitely doing better. I'm walking through the valley of the shadows BUT I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And yet, even when I feel a bit... exiled and a little heart achy... because it's not all that together just yet... As I'm standing on the other side of the Jordan looking into the Promised Land that I should've conquered YEARS ago but I screwed things up in my rebellion... I know that He is with me. His Holy Spirit is always confirming in my heart that He will never leave me, never forsake me. He loves me, I know this, and it strengthens my resolve to keep waiting as I inch forward. He loves me and it keeps me from giving up. Even in His discipline I feel His gentleness on me so as not to break me, not to push me past the point where I can't bear it anymore (oh, how many times I thought I was at the end of me! Only to see that God knew I was stronger than I thought...). He sings over me. I can't help but sing too.

I Need Discipline!

Everyone always gives me my excuse for dropping the ball on the things I should do: But you're a MOM of THREE little ones!? Of course you can't keep up with everything! You need to take it easy! You gotta take care of them too!

I don't like it... I wonder if it's because bill collectors, or the landlord, or even God Himself would accept that excuse for me.

But I have to be honest in that I feel I need 28 hours in a day to be able to accomplish all the little things I need to do and then some of the bigger projects to tackle. I feel like after I come home from work I can only do ONE thing, then it's bedtime!

I either clean, or study for my Veterinary Assisting class, or do groceries, or read my Bible, or exercise, or train Pepper, or read to the kids. Maybe, with some coffee or coke, I can do two of these things in one night... But that's pretty much it. Unfortunately, these are ALL things I need to do, without neglecting my kids or my husband. And some of these are disciplines that I need to do every day for my own health (be it physically or spiritually)!

The priority level of these things are superseded by the ENERGY level I may have.

I know a lot of people would say that reading the Bible/praying are extras, for when I have time or if the kids fall asleep early. I would have to disagree. Do you want to see me in a crappy mood? Let me go weeks without refreshing my thought process, my heart, and my emotions in God's Word. Any grace that I may have, any good virtue, any thing admirable or praise worthy is all a direct effect of God working in my life through my relationship with Him.

Outside of God I'm cranky, short-tempered, and harsh. Vengeful and spiteful. Lazy unlike anything on this green earth! I do not make a good employee, friend, wife, or mother without God's help. I'm not being preachy, just honest!

And yet I find myself running on an empty tank, hoping I don't break down before the next fill-up, I treat myself spiritually the way I do my car! Paycheck to paycheck, empty to empty.

My physical being needs maintenance and upkeep as well. These extra pounds I'm carrying aren't helping me get over sore joints and aches any quicker. I don't want to slim to a specific size or weight, I want to be healthy! To know that I can run as fast and as far as my kids and my husband if the need arises. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I know the answer is discipline! I'm praying for it, alongside wisdom. Getting up a little earlier, being more productive on my lunch break, getting the kids to go to bed at a sooner hour. Investing time and effort into those things I consider worthwhile a little every day! It frustrates me to KNOW what I have to do and yet have no real intentions of executing it. I sometimes wonder if I am working too much, even though at this point I need to.

Lord, You love me and You know me. You know exactly where I am right now, and how to reach me. I'm calling out to You for help. I need Your strength. I need that strength from Scriptures, like the one that says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Give me the wisdom to prioritize my hours, my day, and thus my life. Give me the joy and zeal during the day to accomplish the things that are important to You! Give me the rest and peace at night so I can sleep and recover from day to day. Give me a passion and a calling that will push me more than what I may be feeling physically or mentally. I am breaking free from pain and fatigue in Your Name, because Your work on the cross made me whole! In the Name of Jesus I pray - Amen.

A Child of God

♪♫ When I climb down the mountain, and get back to my life I won't settle for ordinary things. I'm gonna follow You forever, for all of my days. I won't rest 'till I see You again! Show me Your glory! Send down Your presence, I wanna see Your face! Show me Your glory! Majesty shines about You, I can't go on without You, Lord... ♪♫ - Third Day

This part of the song has been stuck in my head the past few days. I know the whole song by heart but I can't seem to remember the rest of it, just this part. I guess you could call it a "mantra".

I am more complete, more whole, more joyful the more I am in love with my Savior. No matter what my circumstance, or what's been done to me, or how I've messed up - there is no room for discontentment when you are experiencing Christ! And if you are feeling kinda' low lately, know that there is a whole in your soul that only God can fill - there's nothing else under heaven that satisfy you completely.

That satisfaction is what Jesus was referring to when He told the Samaritan woman at the well that "springs of living water would flow" from within those who drink from what He has to offer; the Holy Spirit, refreshing and renewing us from the deepest part inside us.

I went camping this weekend with our church, which was AWESOME. I had a chance to meet and hang out with the people I see in passing on Sunday morning. Made me glad Paul and I chose the church we did. Made some friends and hope to develop these friendships into meaningful bonds as the family we are in Christ.

But the call to go camping wasn't just for the smelly, sticky feeling of not showering for a few days and eating food roasted on a fire, but rather to go up to the mountain and hear from God. I think our family needed to get away and go up to nature to refresh our hearts.

If you are not an "outdoorsy person", you don't know what you are missing! You can't look at nature, be out there in nature, and not see the glory of God. Because the scenery is beautiful (the mountains, lakes, rivers, rocks, trees, flowers, etc.), it is a direct reflection of the beauty of God the Creator. You can't help but appreciate this God who made so many details, so beautiful, for no other reason than for us to enjoy!

In my alone time, I couldn't get past this part of Scripture:
John Chapter 1 ¹ In the beginning the Word already existed. The Word was with God, and the Word was God. ² He existed in the beginning with God. ³ God created everything through him, and nothing was created except through him. ⁴ The Word gave life to everything that was created,^[a] and his life brought light to everyone. ⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.^[b].

¹⁰ He came into the very world he created, but the world didn’t recognize him. ¹¹ He came to his own people, and even they rejected him. ¹² But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. ¹³ They are reborn—not with a physical birth resulting from human passion or plan, but a birth that comes from God.

Jesus was the Word that, when spoken, brought about creation in all its glory. And the people He created have missed the mark; we didn't all recognize Him. Some of us even rejected Him. But to those of us who saw Him for who He was - the Glorious One, God made man - He gave us the right to become children of God. Reborn, from God Himself.

Man that was refreshing! I've read this scripture many times. I had memorized this chapter (along with the rest of the book of John) for Teen Bible Quiz in the New International Version. But it came alive in that it was precisely what I needed to be reminded of; I have the right to be a child of God.

I guess I always thought it was something kind of automatic. The problem with that thought process is that very often, with all the trials we've been through, I felt more like an unloved step-child! Like the unwanted child... as if God didn't have enough blessing in store to bless everyone else AND bless me too. But I was wrong!

He gives us the right to become children of God. We can choose not to exercise that right the same way people who have valid driver's license can choose not to drive.

I have been born again as a daughter of God. I am joint heir with Christ, a daughter of the King, an ambassador not just by position, but also by sharing a passion with my Father for His kingdom! Everything He has, I can use, all I have to do is ask. I am not a beggar, a foster, a slave. I am a princess to God!

I guess that's the beauty of the ministry of adoption according to God's Word. In a true, genuine adoption, you are a member of the family with the same rights as if you were born into it. That's why God says our spirits inside us change, to where we see God as "Abba", or in other words, "Daddy!"

It's a smack-in-the-forehead moment when you realize that you KNEW all this. I mean, I'm writing all these things and I know it's nothing new! I've heard it dozens of times before. But now it's personal, it's embedded, it sunk in to my mind and my heart. It was made alive for me this weekend, on a bench, in the bush, with a view of the mountain.

The Word!

As I am blogging, right now, I have no title for this blog.

I am just grateful that God is speaking to me. He's showing me things in His Word. He is encouraging me. Every time I read the Bible or go to church He will highlight things for me to take note of; to apply to my life, internalize, personalize... My faith is growing as I read. For example:

Matthew 16:18 And I tell you that you are Peter,^[a] and on this rock [that is, the confession that Jesus Christ is the Living Son of God and the Savior] I will build my church, and the gates of Hades^[b] will not overcome it.
No army has ever marched on the offensive bringing their gates and their doorposts with them to war. So many people have used this Scripture as an illustration that the church will stand tall in the midst of opposition. But apparently, it's not the church that is just standing tall. It's hell (hades) that is standing, with their gates up, on the defensive. Which leaves us with the only alternative -the church is supposed to be on the OFFENSIVE. We're supposed to be marching, conquering... I know it sounds aggressive, overbearing, and it can feel rude to some people. But the Bible also says that "the weapons of our warfare are not carnal", and "we do not wage war against flesh and blood, but against principalities and demons..." So it's not conquering other cultural groups or actual people, but the demonic forces (which you may or may not believe in) that enslave these people; addictions, depression, fear, abuse... Poverty, injustice, racism... The things in the spiritual realm that can make believers (and unbelievers) miserable and wretched.

Psalm 107:10-16
¹⁰ Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness,
prisoners suffering in iron chains,
¹¹ because they rebelled against God’s commands
and despised the plans of the Most High.
¹² So he subjected them to bitter labor;
they stumbled, and there was no one to help.
¹³ Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.
¹⁴ He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness,
and broke away their chains.
¹⁵ Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
¹⁶ for he breaks down gates of bronze
and cuts through bars of iron.
We can march forward past the gates of Hades because the Lord is strong enough to "break down gates of bronze" and He "cuts through bars of bronze". Even the hardest, most addicted, most rebellious heart has the hope of being... well... redeemed! I love this piece of Scripture because it reminds me that even if I'm paying for my own sin, even if I DESERVE the pit and the slavery because I ignored His commands and acted in rebellion, His love is still unfailing! He still does wonderful things for mankind! He still desires to deliver me. He is that good! And I can trust Him not only when I'm in darkness, and in chains, but when my loved ones are as well.

Psalm 138:7-8
⁷ Though I am surrounded by troubles,
you will protect me from the anger of my enemies.
You reach out your hand,
and the power of your right hand saves me.
⁸ The Lord will work out his plans for my life—
for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.
Don’t abandon me, for you made me.
I can't read this and not be encouraged. I pray that you are encouraged too. God is good in the midst of our trials. I trust Him - even though I'm not excited about where I am in my life. I know with all of my heart that God wants more for our family than this one bedroom itty-bitty apartment that has no heat in the winter and the pipes leak all summer. More than the cigarette smoke that comes in through the heating vents, than the mixed smell of urine and alcohol of the homeless people that sneak into our unit and sleep in our hallway. But He promised, He will "work out His plans for my life, for His faithful love endures forever". He gave me that Scripture (and you too!) so I can believe He's saying it for me!

I guess that's the point of the Bible. It's way too many words for any of it to go to waste into randomness. All those words (and that book is thick!) is for me. To teach me, correct me, encourage me. He left it all in writing, from the beginning of the world till it's end, for ME to know what He is like, what He has done in the past, and what He can do for me. See, the more I read about Him, the more I come to know His character. He loves me, and wants me to really know Him.

I love going to church!

I have gone to church since I was about 15 years old. Most people would think I go to church because it's how I was raised, or because it's part of my religion. While I'm not discrediting these aspects, I have to elaborate on why I love going to church so much.

For the most part, my faith doesn't exclusively require me to go to church; I'm supposed to be practicing my faith Monday through Saturday as well. So as far as the requirements of my faith (read my Bible, prayer, being in fellowship with other Christians, and serving others) I can do that all the other days and in any other setting. So I don't go to church on Sundays out of some sense of obligation.

The reality is that church is there for MY benefit. I am blessed when I go. It enhances my understanding of the Bible for future reading, it has me join with others in prayer, it has me sing and worship with others who love God like I do, and provides an opportunity for me to serve.

I don't know if I can put into words how I am blessed by going to church, or how much of a difference it makes on the rest of my week, but I can try...

I love how at church, I'm no less important or smart than the person next to me. In a society that is so "title" driven, it's so easy for me to feel of less value or competency when compared to my bosses who have degrees or even the next person that went to college for a little more training than me. It's actually pretty frequent to feel "less than" everyone else compared to education, money, cars, homes... But then I walk into church and I'm reminded, by everyone that talks to me and by the Holy Spirit, that I am of infinite value. I'm a child of God! He loved me and considered my value and died on the Cross to redeem ME. And how He walks with me, helps me, guides me is no less for me as it would be for the Pastor or the person with a nicer car in the parking lot. In light of God's economic view, I'm no less wealthier than anyone who can call on His Name. In light of the knowledge of God, He has revealed Himself to me the same way He would to anyone that wants to get to know Him. I never feel "less than" at church. And as long as we're all studying the same Bible I don't know less than anybody else.

It's refreshing to worship with other people, who are as excited about singing and dancing and praising God as I am! It brings me relief from the stress of the week... It gives me joy! God said in His Word that He is worthy of praise... and I don't know of many settings out in public where I can raise my hands or sing at the top of my lungs or dance around to my God and people wouldn't think I was crazy... Mind you, I have no fear of dancing or singing anywhere else, and the awkward stares from non-Christians when my family blesses their food at a restaurant is something we're quite used to. There's just this relief where this kind of expression is the NORM and not the oddity.

I could see how, from the outside, singing and clapping for the Lord can feel awkward. It may not feel like it's part of your personality. But (and this is something you won't understand until you are at this point) it won't matter! When you are in a relationship with Jesus Christ and also have come to know and be loved by His people, you are less aware of yourself and more aware of how good He is! Then expressing love for Jesus in a congregational setting isn't awkward at all. It becomes the most natural thing you want to do when you go to church on Sunday morning.

I love being prayed for, prayed with... I love going and being reminded by the preaching of God's Word and by the testimony of God's people that He is able! That He is strong! And that He cares! And the more I hear of God helping His people, the more I have faith to believe that He'll help me! The more I have the faith to pray for... the more hope I have. So it becomes this cycle of encouragement and hope that works the opposite to the viciousness of addiction; it builds you up instead of tearing you down. It re-energizes me.

I feel God's presence at church. I'm not saying you don't or can't anywhere else. But I really do experience Him at church. He brings light to Scripture in such a way, as the pastor is preaching, that speaks to me. It's like, the Pastor will read a verse outloud, and we are all looking at the Bible, and God will say to me, "See Maria? This is what I wanted you to understand this week. Remember when *insert example here*? I wanted you to trust Me through that circumstance. I know that you are dealing with *insert another example here* and I'm telling you, through this verse right here, that I will take care of it." There is a peace that washes over me, a joy that gets into me...

Most people would think that after spending all morning at church my tank would be full. Quite the opposite, actually. I get home wanting to sing more, to pray more. To read more of my Bible. To go back in the evening or sometime mid-week. Church doesn't drain me, it fills me. I could get into all the theology and scriptures behind the church some other time. Right now I'm trying to keep it simple; church is GOOD!

Some people get saved and then they start going to church. Others start going to church and then they get saved. Either way, glory to God! I pray that everyone who may read this may have a church they can go to where they feel their batteries recharged, so to speak. And I pray that if you are not going to church, that it won't be something intimidating or scary for you. But I just had to share what an awesome experience it is for me... and my kids are really enjoying it too!

Regardless of whether you do or don't, God is always there for you. He's waiting to hear you pray, and He is in the rescue business. He wants to meet you right where you are at and be with you. He wants you to come just as you are. I don't ever want you to feel that if you need God on Thursday night you have to wait till Sunday morning to get it right with Him. Turn to God on Thursday, and Friday, and Saturday... and then come to church on Sunday morning and be loved on, encouraged, and lifted up!

The Gray Clouds Finally Moving On...

Actually, as I type it's getting gray-er outside (LOL) because it's rainy. But it feels pretty good, actually. The air is cool, it smells like rain outside (which I love)... Natural rain has a way of reminding me that God can wash away all the icky stuff off me too, and nurture me, and refresh me. Which is what I feel He has been doing this week.

But metaphorically speaking, those gray clouds are finally moving on! I finally feel like I can breathe, soak in a little bit of sunlight. It took some lashing out, and some prayer from people that love me unconditionally... a lot more patience from the ones who were close to me.

Unfortunately, some people walked away. I was prepared for those consequences. I take responsibility for my part, but at the same time... I don't feel I'm responsible for it all. I definitely don't feel guilty. And as it turns out, those who walked away did so because I did not fulfill their expectations, so it was probably best... I don't think I could ever measure up or pay back to their standards what they seem to have been hoping I would.

It took walking away on my part to find out everything that was going on behind our backs. That's when I came to see how some really felt, and it wasn't pretty. Some of those accusations were even false. I guess I always had the option of fighting that battle and chose to surrender to it instead. They can believe and say whatever they want. I'm not saying anything back. I can't control what others believe of me, so the only thing I can do (which gives me a sense of control, actually) is walk away.

Reminds me, in a sense, of the book of Job. There was Job's story, his friend's story, and God's point of view... everybody was wrong! Job's friends accused him unfairly but Job didn't exactly have it all together either. Which is why when God steps into the scene in the last few chapters, Job says, "I have no understanding. I shouldn't have spoken at all... as it is, I spoke too much, God. I'm sorry." (Paraphrase mine). Only God sees the whole picture and I'm committing it to Him. We really don't know how to judge "right" and "wrong" here on this earth as perfectly as He does, so its best in some matters for us to shut up and leave it alone.

My mother-in-law sent me a book by Corrie Ten Boom, called "I stand at the door and knock". It is described as some of the best devotionals on forgiveness that this woman ever wrote. And she's a pretty darn good source for it! In case you have no idea who she is, she is a godly Christian who went through and survived a concentration camp during WWII for helping Jews. She had german guards do horrible things to her on a daily basis. She didn't just walk away from that camp to say, "Screw you all! I hope you burn in hell!" She walked away with true victory... she forgave! There are testimonies of guards that years later have asked her for forgiveness, and she has hugged them and sincerely forgiven them. She had made her mind up to forgive them while she was still in the camp; many of those same guards heard her pray for them every night. I think it would be a very appropriate book to read right now.

All in all though, I've been praying, and I can't say I've heard God say anything back - rather, He's sat there in the silence with me and put His comforting arms around my shoulders. That's the best way I can describe it. There's nothing in my circumstances that has fixed anything. But in my despair, and when I needed Him the most, He showed me by the power of the Spirit that I'm going through this valley with the Great Shepherd. It means more to me than getting everything I want. I hope others get to experience what I'm talking about right now:

He loves me. I'm not the prettiest or nicest right now. I'm actually quite icky inside. But I'm completely helpless. I don't have any way to bribe God to stay by my side. I lack convincing arguments and I'm past promising to change. I have nothing to offer Him. And I may throw temper tantrums along the way. But He still loves me. And He is willingly, lovingly walking with me. There's nothing I can do to make Him love me more. There's nothing about me that has made Him love me less.