Warrior Bride Awaken

I had so much poured into me during the Warrior Bride Awaken Conference this weekend at our church that I don't know what to do with it other than to share it. I have to be honest, I enjoyed a lot of the time around the conference too - in the kitchen, or on the pew, with my friends.

So as praise and worship was going there was this release of dreams and ideas and I just pulled out my Blackberry and started writing as furiously as I could - not quite sure how or what to do with all of it, but excited because I haven't had a dream in a long time. Not much of anything sparked my interest or elicited my pursuit... the last time I felt a dream was when I wanted to be a vet tech and that fizzled out behind the reception desk. For the longest I wondered if the dream fizzled out due to opposition, but this weekend I was sparked alive by tons of other things I wanted to do with my life and working at a vet clinic didn't even cross my mind.

And it's ok, everything is in seasons. There's a season to focus on career and there's a season to focus on parenting... there's a season for everything and right now I feel I'm entering into a season to focus other passions and desires that I had buried or neglected due to being a non-stop industrial machine of housekeeping and working.

So some of the things I jotted down were:
Daughter-Mother dance?
Drama/dance ministry with kids after school, like in some sort of afterschool program?
If Aspen were a therapy dog, what would we do together?
A degree from Bible college/university? In Counseling? Bible? Performing Arts?

Lord, give me my dream for now, for 3 years from now, for 5 years from now. Give me dream and passion to pursue You and further Your kingdom work.

Hebrews 12:1-3

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses

We are surrounded by the men and women of faith in Hebrews 11, who are spurring us on because what they saw in pieces they testify we can now experience fully!

let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.

We have the power to just repent and throw off everything that has us tangled in the things not from God. Why? So we can just run!

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,

Run with perseverance. Don't strive, wrestle after it, or struggle with it. Just keep running! Running doesn't give you the chance to second guess, look back, or pick up the things you've tossed off.

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.

Fix your eyes on Jesus! He overcomes the obstacles that could slow you down with his gaze of love.

Lord forgive me for not fighting through my illness to do Walk for Life, or coming to pray with 40 Days For Life. I understand my faithlessness now.

For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God

I am the JOY that helped Jesus endure the cross. He scorned shame - He defeated it, doesn't want me to feel it or act like I have anything to be ashamed of. He only looks at me with JOY.

I'm not an orphan anymore. I have lived all my life as if I had to raise myself. I have a Daddy to nurture me and build me up. He will be with me and support me on my dream and help me grow. I can build my dream in His lap, hash out what it would look like. I need to go through my schedule and see where I can spend time with Him... Probably in the morning.

Seeing the Light

Things are definitely looking up. I have to praise God because I feel this release of blessing and hope and a future over me. I finally feel that Scripture and life are not so distant after all.

It has been one of the harshest winters I've ever experienced, both literally and figuratively. But just like we are gaining more and more day light in AK, I feel like I'm getting more and more light myself. And I feel stronger for not throwing in the towel and heading to FL.

Paul is now a FT employee, even though first he had to accept a job on an as-needed basis before they promoted him. I'm doing pretty well at work myself, by God's grace. The kids are doing good at school/day care and Anakin has actually improved from one semester to the next.

That's not to say that there weren't moments when I didn't scream or wonder why God was picking on me... but I came out on the other side this year understanding God's love for me and growing in my relationship with him.

I've made some awesome friendships during this winter that have helped me keep my sanity and my head above water. I ♥ my co-workers!

Having hope, knowing we'll soon have a bigger place to live, seeing bills get paid and things get caught up... opening my heart and my mind to give more - not just my tithe at church but also sponsoring a child in the Middle East through World Vision and supporting a missionary family (who happen to own a rat terrier!) in Tanzania (Africa), has been like medicine to my soul. Things aren't perfect but I know we are getting there.

In the meantime, I'm deeply in prayer for a friend who is battling cancer. It seems I can never escape that ugly word. It also seems like it hits people who are closer to maternal figures to me; women I look up to or admire. My grandmother, her sister, my aunt, my mom, myself... It's so vicious but I refuse to let it win and I will fight it the best way I know how: 1) Praying. With God, all things are possible. 2) Supporting activities and organizations like Relay for Life or St. Baldricks. 3) Being healthy myself.

On the healthy note, Paul and I decided to go almost-vegetarian. We've had one week of no red meat or dairy and we feel great. The only protein source we've had is chicken or fish, mostly fish. Lot's of veggies. Rye bread, soy milk, organic cereals and noodles. Paul lost 2 inches and 8 lbs in 6 days; without even exercising. I lost 4 lbs and I'm starting to get enough energy to do 30 min. walks a day (if I can find enough places to walk on and we're not under 12 ft of snow!). It's not a diet as much as a life change. And it's also not just for dieting's sake; I am detaching my emotions from food. I refuse to use food to reward or punish myself; I will find my satisfaction in God. I will only use food for what God intended it to be; for nourishment. As such, I don't really need hamburgers and fries because they have little nutritional value.

And I've been drinking lots of tea!

In all this prayer/reflecting time, the one thing that tugged on my heart enough to get me to stop thinking about myself and start thinking about another need was abortion. Not as much a judgement call on women who have had abortions, but rather the profit and the industry that is being made out of it. I'm a tree-hugging pro-life; I can't see being all about saving dolphins in Taiji and supporting the Pit Bull breed but not caring about the unborn. And I care about the women, and their hearts, and the situations that put them to where they want/need an abortion. So I am going to tackle this two-fold: 1) I'm fundraising for the local crisis pregnancy center so they can continue to provide excellent services to help more moms keep their babies or have the babies adopted without costing them an arm and a leg. 2) I'm praying that the local Planned Parenthood goes out of business... strategically. Not to be harsh against it's employees specifically, but women's health and pregnancy counseling and as much as I hate to say it, abortions, need to be handled by actual OB/GYNs and professionals that really do CARE about the health of the woman and aren't keeping their business alive off the abortion practice.

Well, that's it for now. I have 2 blogs, one for my animals and one for everything else. I've updated both, now I'm going to bed!

Hard Lessons...

I feel pretty bad about not blogging in so long, but honestly, I had "lost the muse". I lost my voice; my thoughts, my opinions. I was numb, because being numb is easier than feeling pain, anxiety, or frustration. When I did think or feel, all I thought about was, "Why am I still here? Why am I not better off?"

It is difficult to take an office job paying less than any other office job I've done and starting so low at the bottom of the totem pole, as if I was a baby. But I am working where I'm working because of the hope of moving past a desk job and to becoming a veterinary technician some day. Other wise, I wouldn't have accepted the offer in the first place, when there were other office jobs that offered me $5-6 per hour more starting off. Then as the months went by, I lost sight of hope and all I could experience or feel was this despair that somehow I'm getting dumber and more incompetent than when I entered the work force 10 years ago!

I also wasn't seeing past the tip of my nose. And I also wasn't looking heavenward, not in any aspect of my life. My kids became work and a hassle, my marriage was on survival mode, my church life was for appearance's sake, and I had nothing to offer.

The lies in my head and my heart were repeated so often I had mistaken them for truth. I was hopeless, faithless, and had no self-confidence what so ever. I was going from day to day pretty much zombified.

But I'm always thankful to God! He never releases His grip on me. He never stops loving me. And when I finally shut myself up long enough to listen, I definitely heard Him speaking. Every Sunday sermon would plant a little seed... water it... nourish it. Little by little I've been seeing more of the Kingdom.

I heard a missionary say this morning that a lot of Christians go to church thinking about themselves; "I need help! I need strength! I need... I need... I need... me me me..." And these people constantly drag themselves from Sunday to Sunday. Not that there's anything wrong with needing help from the Lord, but his point was that maturity comes when we grow enough to show up at church and say, "Lord, Thank You! The cross is all I need, and You've given that for me. Now I'm here to bless You - let Your will be done." I think I've experienced this transition personally.

I can't pin-point a specific instance or moment when, somehow, my job is not just a job. And while I may not have all the details to disclose, I do believe that it is God's purpose for me to be there for this time and season - in accordance with His plans, which are always for good. Seeing this helps me bring my best foot forward, and I trust Him to know I'm not actually going backwards.

I look at our journey this year and I have to be thankful! I haven't been the most responsible, but by God's grace He has sustained us! Paul focused on his medical assistant certification all year, and again - it feels like one of those things where by the world's standards we're going backwards. But I finally believe we are headed in God's given direction, where He wanted Paul to go from the beginning; Paul has a heart to help people, and he's a science nerd. He is so gifted for it! He was created to do that and more. I wouldn't doubt Paul has it in him to be a Doctor, if the Lord so leads him. Every one that has gotten to know Paul, at the core of his heart, knows that he is relentless in believing the Lord for healing. How appropriate for him to put his faith to practice by having a career in the medical field!

My kids are growing and learning to rely on God. I hear them pray at night before they go to sleep and sometimes they are more mature than I am! They never pray for things, they always pray for people. They mostly pray for others. I've seen Anakin pray for children who are mean to him at day care or school with only the prompting of God's spirit. Even Caleb will ask God to bless everyone (dog and cat too) before he goes to sleep. It's my mission to build them up in their understanding of the Lord so that they can openly develop a relationship with Him.

Most of all, I'm seeing God give me my voice back. I'm having more "aha" moments, where something strikes me and I start listening. I'll eventually start writing these down. The main one I'm learning now, while I have to wait on the Lord to open up a job for Paul, to help us catch up financially and prayerfully move us on to a bit bigger apartment... is this:

"Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want."
1 Peter 4:1-2, The Message.

I'm not being ditched by God - I'm being refined. God has the heat up so that at the end of the day, we are free (fearless, uninhibited, unstoppable) to pursue whatever God may want. I will no longer be bullied by envy with all the things that every one else may have but that really possess no eternal value. God is creating mettle in me.
Mettle - vigor and strength of spirit, quality of temperament or disposition. The moral capacity and strength of character to overcome difficult situations with resilience.

I never heard of this word before and I had a pretty high SAT score! But I understand it now, seeing that God wants to build character in me with RESILIENCE. I'm learning this, accepting it, and seeing how it blossoms in my life. It's one of those hard lessons worth learning any time on this side of heaven.

Stretch out Your hand to heal

We struggle so much with carrying baggage in our hearts. I confess I've been hurting, feeling a false sense of condemnation. I can replay in my head all the things that others have done or said to me to prove their point that I'm a nobody. It isn't long before I'm saying these things to myself without their help. And not a lot of people have faith in me anyways.

I believe forgiveness is key, I haven't quite mastered unlocking that door though. I try. I can look back and see that people just make mistakes... they didn't really mean it. But I guess it always bugs me that they are ok with that; perfectly fine that I have to live with these emotional scars.

Then my real struggle begins when I'm trying not to scar my children in the same way. I don't ever want them to feel the way I do sometimes. I want them to know that they are gifts from God to this world, that He has a plan and a purpose for them, that they are here to do great things to advance His kingdom. Nothing less! No clauses, no fine print on that. Somehow life has made me feel like "I could've.. would've..." but it's too late for me, I'm doomed. And too many people would pitch in and say, "Well, you know... we tried to warn you. That's what you get..." But if this is true, then my children are consequences of a mistake, cursed. It just dawned on me that I was agreeing with this in my heart today and I couldn't stop crying. They aren't a punishment for not making wiser choices and using better birth control. They are seeds of greatness that God has placed under my care to bless me!

Oh gosh, what would that make of my marriage? I refuse to Paul through that either. He's a wonderful person...

I don't want to submit to that feeling, agree with the thought that by just living and a series of events that feel outside of my control I've somehow screwed up beyond repair, past where God could make something of me. But I don't have a whole lot of hope either. And it's so hard when every promise I read in the Bible I feel would apply to everyone else but me.

Why not me?

One day I would love to have the courage, the faith, and the resources to pursue my dream. And I've always said I'd be a veterinarian before I die, even if I go to school for it when I'm 50. I have no dream now though, it almost feels pointless to dream. Why bother desiring anything outside my income? And I'm not worth very much in that department either. It's not like I'm expecting God to step in and do anything for me. We have a place to sleep, food, and a vehicle and I'm no one in His kingdom to ask for anything more.

I'm not saying that these thought processes are biblical or Christ-like. I know that they are not. I'm struggling to replace those thoughts with Scripture in a way that I'll believe and will have as strong of an emotion attached to it. I'd like to FEEL hopeful. I'd like to FEEL faith-filled. I hardly pray.

I'm able to blog about this now because I'm finally able to put it into words. I was at church today during praise and worship and for the first time in a loooong time I felt this release inside my chest, like I could just tell God that I'm struggling with all these things in an open conversation. I can blog about it because I've already prayed about it and left it in God's hands.

There was never any question while Jesus walked the earth IF He could heal people. What people doubted was whether He'd be willing to. "If you are willing, you can make me well." "If my Lord says so, my servant can be healed." People lowered a paralytic on a bed sheet from a hole in the roof in front of Jesus because there was no question that He'd have the power to do something about it... if only He'd notice them.

I know He is willing. I just have to trust Him and wait through this.

In the mean time I hugged my kids and prayed for them during church. And I feed them and do laundry and clean the house come migraines or back-aches, sinus infections or not. I just love them the best I know how at the moment. It involves getting them to school and to church and back home again. I don't know how to do any better for them but I hope it's enough for now. And they love me, and they seem to be doing well developmentally so I must be doing something right.

I don't want encouragement. I want God to stretch out His hand towards me to make me whole again. Not to diss anybody, but it's one of those things I have to experience from Him; His healing touch, His help. I don't know how to explain what I'm looking for other than to say there's not a whole lot anyone can do about it. It takes people who have experienced a supernatural touch from God to understand that I just need Him to stretch out His hand to me.

I experienced a taste of it today, as we were singing. I feel a little bit of healing every time I go to church. I'm thankful to be a part of the church that leaves the door open for God to show up and expects the supernatural.

I can't imagine facing the hardships of life without a relationship with Jesus. I remember living that way when I was younger and I was never satisfied. I'm so glad He's here to help me now.

Psalm 112

I read this chapter and it hit me: This is what children of God look like! Not just church-goers or religious folks, but children who KNOW God personally and experience a living relationship with Him!

Psalm 112

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹ Praise the Lord!

How joyful are those who fear the Lord
and delight in obeying his commands.

If you didn't think that "obedience" and "commands" can be synonymous with "joyful", then you need to re-evaluate your theology! How can there by joy and delight in "fearing" the Lord! I can say from experience it's peace! I have peace in a right relationship with God. I have peace in obedience because I am not worried of the consequences, for example; the Bible instructs me not to be a gossiper. So I don't gossip at work. Therefore I have the joy and peace that comes from knowing that I won't be responsible for any trouble that work gossip can cause. Random example, not specific to my personal life, but just something to wrap your mind around. The same with lying or stealing. There's no worrying that comes with "getting caught", there's peace with integrity and fear of the Lord. There's delight! There's joy!

² Their children will be successful everywhere;
an entire generation of godly people will be blessed.

I don't know how to explain this promise... but I claim it! I want my children to be successful everywhere and I believe that they will be blessed.

³ They themselves will be wealthy,
and their good deeds will last forever.

Amen!

⁴ Light shines in the darkness for the godly.
They are generous, compassionate, and righteous.

It isn't a promise that there is no darkness, but rather, that we'll have a light shining to help us during the dark times, provided that we meet the qualifications of the word "godly", as defined in the second part of the verse: "They are generous, compassionate, and righteous." Outside from this definition, given by God, of what it is to be "godly"... well... there is no godly! Godly implies being "God-like"... If you are not generous, compassionate, or righteous (and it's all three, not one without the other, that creates a perfect balance!), then you fall short of God's definition for the term. Oh Lord, help me to be these things - specially righteous. I can't do it without Your constant help - at work, church, with the kids, and with friends, help me to make the right choices and have integrity.

⁵ Good comes to those who lend money generously
and conduct their business fairly.

Aha! I believe it ties in to verse 3, which is where the promise of being wealthy lies; it is fulfilled in being generous and conducting business fairly... in other words, being generous and having integrity in our business dealings! Well, when you think about it THAT way, it's not too far of a stretch to believe that godly people can be wealthy. If we learn to not place ourselves in foolish debt, and to pay our bills, and handle our finances appropriately, and save, and think about what we invest in, and not squander our money in silly purchases... well... that would make any person wealthy (or at least wealthier) over a period of time!

⁶ Such people will not be overcome by evil.
Those who are righteous will be long remembered.
⁷ They do not fear bad news;
they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.
⁸ They are confident and fearless
and can face their foes triumphantly.

♪♫ No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
'Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand ♪♫

⁹ They share freely and give generously to those in need.
Their good deeds will be remembered forever.
They will have influence and honor.

Lord, I yearn to be someone who would be considered generous. I love You, and I want to honor You!! Not for my honor or influence, but for Your sake - to be a good representative of what You've done for mankind!

¹⁰ The wicked will see this and be infuriated.
They will grind their teeth in anger;
they will slink away, their hopes thwarted.

It makes ungodly people angry when godly people flourish... they would rather see us fail, fall, or lose hope so they can point a finger at us and say, "Ha! I knew it! I was right and you were wrong!" Well... too bad for them... But you know how you fight back? By getting back up. By not staying down! Your success is the biggest revenge against the Enemy. If you have been hurt, and you want to get back at them - leave them be, it's for God to handle - but You keep moving forward in the service of the Lord, and leave them behind to grind their teeth!

I love reading Scripture... I love the encouragement and hope He gives me. If I had half a brain, I would soak in His words every day... better than some of the other things that seem to stick to me from week to week. Just remind myself of who I am in Christ and what He wants for me! I'd start praying these promises for myself and my loved ones, start believing in this direction, and see what God can do with my itty-bitty faith! Why do I let days go by before I open up His Word?

A good source is www.biblegateway.com - they have various reading plans in different versions that you can subscribe via email, so you get your daily reading every day and you can even read the Scriptures directly on your screen. Sometimes I read a verse in one translation and then in another, just to get a more rounded picture of what the message is. I'd recommend that to anyone.

Lioness Arising... in midnight ramblings...

It's a really good Bible study! I recommend women everywhere to try to do it at their churches. It's by Lisa Bevere. I read through the first chapter and I'm hooked!

Now the book and study guide are out of my reach and I'm lazy, so bear with my paraphrase please, I just want to recount the image that's been in my head all day and its significance:

The rangers have just darted a male lion, tranquilizing him so they can work on removing a tracking collar they've had on him. They are about to approach the lion when they hear a growl and from the grass rises a lioness. Realizing the danger they are in, one of them comments, "To get to him, we're going to have to tranquilize her."

That lioness was not gonna let anyone approach her man. I can see myself in that - you insult my husband, or my kids, and it won't be pretty. Most women would agree that we can take a lot of things directed at US versus our family.

It hit me, however, when the question was posed, "How does Satan use the same tactic?" I sat there wowed by the spiritual lesson that was unfolding before me.

They tranquilize the lioness and work quickly, noting how her eyes were constantly fixed on them. "Nothing is more dangerous than a lioness fully awake."

It hit me what kind of threat I would be to Satan and the forces of darkness if I was fully conscious, fully awake. But to be honest I feel like I've been "tranquilized" for a long time! Mostly tired, kinda' lazy... letting day after day go by without doing anything useful, let alone Kingdom-minded! Working to get home, feed the kids, go to sleep, and do it over again. And even in that, I was barely functioning with the kids - just keeping them fed and clean and safe from disaster if at all possible.

It goes further than just me as an individual but also the church, as the bride of Christ. Nothing is more dangerous than the church fully awake!

"But make sure that you don't get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God. The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing! God is putting the finishing touches on the salvation work he began when we first believed. We can't afford to waste a minute, must not squander these precious daylight hours in frivolity and indulgence, in sleeping around and dissipation, in bickering and grabbing everything in sight. Get out of bed and get dressed! Don't loiter and linger, waiting until the very last minute. Dress yourselves in Christ, and be up and about!" - Romans 13:11-14, The Message.

God calls us to be awake too, He says it through out even across the different translations. When I think of the different things that lioness accomplish while they are awake, I know they feed their young, they protect their families, they guard against enemies... but I also know one thing - they don't work alone! The lionesses in the pride will work together to accomplish the success of the pride.

Oh, what happens when the women in the church get together to do ministry! And not just be exhausted in "doing", but actually hug, love, pray, encourage each other! And pray with a fire! What would happen if we got fierce about what we believe?

I'm too tired now to get into it like I want to. But the truth is that we women have influence - married or not, there are people that count on us for our friendship, for our encouragement, even for our protection. We need to be awake, alert, conscious as Christians of the call in Romans. I need to be more alert. More mission-minded. More Kingdom-minded.

We need to prioritize our lives so that what we do matters! And stop wasting so much time on those things that don't matter! We need to be fierce about defending not only our families but our faith, because we are a force to be reckoned with. Let the forces of darkness know, "She is here... We can't just walk in, we are in danger!" And we need to bond with each other, welcome each other into the "pride" so to speak... It's not a call to be aggressive towards people, just be alert towards the Kingdom work God created us for.

I guess the reason why this touch of the bible study spoke to me is because I desire it with all of my heart. To really BE there for my kids and my family. To support and offer my strength to my church. To not feel so wimpy, whiny, and scared... So weak, so much of a failure... rather I want to be a threat to the Enemy. Lord, help me wake up from the dart guns that Satan has hit me with, and be about Your work for me here. I want to take my position in my home with courage and faithfulness. I want to arise from this slumber and start moving with the fierce beauty that You created me with, and fiercely open my heart to serving and loving others, offering my growl for those who cannot speak for themselves... No longer afraid of being hurt (again) but with the confidence that comes from knowing that above man, I can trust You.

Making-Do

Lately I've put the kids to sleep by reading a bible story to them and praying, and there is such a peace that comes over that room, we all just fall asleep with a smile on our faces... I've been falling asleep with them - maybe even ahead of them!

Tonight I let Paul put the kids to sleep so I can accomplish some much needed housework. Our balcony, our kitchen, and our yard looks MUCH better (and Paul helped with that too!).

I still have a couple of "messes" here and there, which should be taken care of by tomorrow.

I made a chart with all the things I wanted to accomplish each day, so that I break down everything that needs to get done into a few manageable tasks each day. I don't always do everything on the list, but I've been a bit more on-track (at least with school work). I haven't quite exercised yet. And I have woken up every morning to pray - just from my bed... not quite made it to my Bible this week, but I will keep trying until I get there.

I am so thankful for biblegateway.com! I read my bible tonight online. I was in the living room and it was late, the baby was going to sleep and I couldn't keep all the lights on... so I just opened my laptop and read the book of Zephaniah in the NLT. It spoke to me.

I've experienced the sting of judgment, the burn of consequences resulting from all the choices I made outside of God's guidance. But I love how that book ends: "He will rejoice over you with singing, He will calm your fears, He will redeem you with love..." One of those last verses, as if to drive the point - no matter how bad it seems things have to get before you have your head on right and turn in the right direction, your Heavenly Father is right there to receive you, comfort you, and cheer for you from that moment on! There is redemption, and there is restoration.

I experienced His redemption when I accepted Christ as Savior. Through the eternal power of the cross, Jesus pointed to me and told the Father, "This wild child is mine!" He paid the price for me. I belong to Him and there is nothing that can change that. Romans says that there's no height, no depth, nothing in the past, nothing in the present, and nothing in the future that can separate me from God's love. Jesus said, "All those that the Father gives me are mine, and no one can snatch them out of my hand," in John. He is the Good Shepherd, and even if all the other 99 in sheep in His care are perfect and pretty in the pasture, He never says, "Ok... I got 99 left. This will do." Nope. He goes out and finds me, and carries me back to the flock... as many times as it takes until I am in Heaven.

I am waiting for His restoration. I don't know entirely what it will look like, although I have some earthly ideas.

I think restoration for our family will look like a 2 bedroom home (at least) where the kids can sleep in their own bedroom and not on the sofa in our living room. And Paul has a good job. And I'm actually doing good at my job. And we are thriving, versus the "surviving" we are doing now.

I possibly see us plugged in to a church where we are making meaningful connections within the fellowship and have found our "ministries", so to speak - our points of service in God's kingdom where our talents and gifts combine with a need, and we can share God's love in some way...

Maybe I will even have a fully restored heart, free from bitterness, pain, or regret. A heart that truly forgives (I have to wrestle with this one every day). I'd love to be back to my joyful self of having energy and reading books, blogging more often, thinking of things to do for God's kingdom... Hopeful and looking forward to the things that God has with me with anticipation. I can't say that I'm quite there yet, but I am definitely doing better. I'm walking through the valley of the shadows BUT I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And yet, even when I feel a bit... exiled and a little heart achy... because it's not all that together just yet... As I'm standing on the other side of the Jordan looking into the Promised Land that I should've conquered YEARS ago but I screwed things up in my rebellion... I know that He is with me. His Holy Spirit is always confirming in my heart that He will never leave me, never forsake me. He loves me, I know this, and it strengthens my resolve to keep waiting as I inch forward. He loves me and it keeps me from giving up. Even in His discipline I feel His gentleness on me so as not to break me, not to push me past the point where I can't bear it anymore (oh, how many times I thought I was at the end of me! Only to see that God knew I was stronger than I thought...). He sings over me. I can't help but sing too.