Putting my money where my mouth is...

Easier said than done!

I have struggled this week with the disappointment and frustration of... nothing happening.  I can't see if God is doing something IN Paul or not, but it just hasn't felt like He's done anything around us.  And in despair I've cried out, "Why?!"

Why would God give us 3 children we can't consistently provide for?!

Why would God allow Paul to get laid off the very week I was recovering from surgery?!

Why is Paul the one home with the kids and I'm the one working (every time)!?

Why would God give Paul the dream of being in the medical field, and we put him through medical assisting school as a start, if he can't work as a CMA?!  Why would we be paying on a student loan in a career that Paul is not practicing!?

Beyond this, I re-visited old hatreds...  Sheer anger against the Lieutenant, Tech Sargent, Master Sargent, and Staff Sargent at Tinker... I remember their faces and their names and I revisited everything they did to us and every thing they said to us and I could throw flaming darts at their eyeballs if I had a device that would print images from my memory.  Specially when the enemy brings out a sense of failure because we didn't stay in the military... and I feel frustrated because we didn't really have a choice... and I just wish these people would get deployed to real combat zones more often than other soldiers for whom I have a deep respect. 

I re-visited the anger from a church we used to attend where 2 individuals hurt us so bad it set us back years financially, emotionally, and spiritually... and it wasn't until we moved 6000 miles and 3 time zones away that Paul and I finally found our healing and the strength to get back up again... and the love for the church again.

And it totally doesn't help when well-intentioned people try to encourage you sometimes.  Because they've encouraged Paul to give up on medical assisting and just get a retail job anywhere.  And they've encouraged Paul to "do better" (as if he was just half-assing it) at future jobs.  And what they don't realize is what they are implying.  I have to stand by Paul and say that he didn't sabotage his new job, he was giving his best.  It didn't work out.  If you knew Paul, you'd see that this is his gift - and he is good at this.  I don't think it's helpful, although your heart is in the right place, to tell Paul he needs to give up on his dream for the sake of just providing.  We have a Provider, He hasn't fallen asleep on the job, thank you very much!

And he didn't sabotage a career in the military. I've looked and read his PIF from front to end.  There was nothing ill they could say about him other than to give him a "general discharge under honorable conditions".  Because they couldn't put that he would not tolerate other soldiers in his group telling him they would come "bang me" and then "have me make tacos" while he was in Iraq and I lived on-base.  Paul was an active member of Airmen Against Drunk Driving and I'm sure saved a couple of lives on the weekends he woke up at 3am to pick up some drunk guy in a bar somewhere and take him home safely.  He was on the honor guard and participated in a few funerals where he helped give honor and respect to fallen soldiers.  He's not in the military any more, perhaps because God has other plans... I've made my peace with God in the matter and accepted the way He has moved us; it's the only way I can forgive and let go of the people who made our lives at Tinker AFB a sleepless nightmare.  Don't have me re-visit that.

But then there's the FAA, and UPS... I know these were more well-intentioned attempts at helping our family with the grave consequences of just doing something w/o asking God if it was His will.  We were putting our efforts into something God did not have for us, we did not let God do what He wanted to work out, and there went 2 years where we did not make any progress in our walk with God or our purpose for being in Alaska.  But, bring up Paul's unemployment, and I can think of a couple of names of people who work at both these places whom I'd like to meet in a restaurant so I can punch them in the face.

Well, in this trap, I'm void of self-confidence.  I felt so discouraged I could not take a single step in my Mary Kay business... I don't want to talk to people, I want to withdraw.  I'd rather not leave my room, let alone go out there and try to DO something.  And I must've not been doing the greatest at my job, though I was doing my best... but maybe my best isn't good enough in this work field because it requires giftings I just don't have.  I try as hard as I can to overcome my weaknesses, but at the end of the day I have to play on my strengths instead or I'll be completely useless.  I hate this funk.

In the meantime, I'm not with my kids, and when I see them I'm too tired for them, and I count down the minutes to bed-time because I'm just trying to sleep through this season and get it over with.

Either way, here we are.  Three years now in Alaska and we haven't moved back home.  I asked Paul if we should start making plans to move back home and he doesn't feel it's time yet.  So I guess we'll be around still.

But God is so good, and I know without a shadow of a doubt I'm at the church I need to be to go through this trial, plugged in with the friendships that I need to have in order to keep my head up.  And God is doing something good - I know I just blogged entirely from the flesh, and it wasn't very God-inspiring, but I'm not done!  I'm just showing you where I am in the natural.  But as I wrestle with this, God shows up - and the peace that surpasses all understanding guards my heart.  It may be after I cry real hot tears through clenched teeth and quite frankly, a clenched heart.  But He is full of grace and He does not let you go.

I was listening today to older, wiser women in my Sunday School class, breaking away from society's standards to share how God had established their household.  I was encouraged by a woman who supports her household financially and her husband stays home.  Their lives are not out of balance... in fact, she said God had blessed them.  She shared that that was their "family plan", and God was working through it, and moving in their lives, and what other people thought didn't matter.  And I listened intently because I needed to hear that.  I needed to wash away the stigma, the negativity, the discouragement... the lies from the enemy.  I needed to learn how to offer healing and encouragement to my husband in our situation, and how to defeat the guilt and condemnation that Satan is trying to bind him with in hopes of pulling us away from Kingdom work.

It goes back to my previous blog of fighting like a girl; declaring the praises of God and His truth in the midst of the battle, dancin' like we've already won, and putting the enemy to flight so that Paul could drive him out and I can divide the plunder.  It's a hard visual to process, it's deeply prophetic and will not make any sense in the natural.  But if I can't cheer my husband and my family on, if I can't praise and worship God and establish that faith-based ambiance in my home... then Satan has won.

There was another wonderful, immensely beautiful lady from my Sunday School class who asked me to just open up my hands and have them cupped open in expectancy.  Which was prophetic also because she didn't know how I cried and prayed just a few nights ago and told God that my heart was clenched as tight as my fists.  All weekend long, in my dreams, God was telling me to open my hands.  I was fussing with Him and telling Him HE had to open His hands first to bless us (how dare I? hehehe I can't help but laugh out loud at my orneriness).  So here she is, with a smile, telling me to open my hands... I fought with Paul and the kids all morning, we were late to practice, I was furious at Paul for it.... but I have to open my hands...

When I do, she pours out from this candy tin a bunch of paper butterflies, which she cut out herself off scrap paper, and she tells me that "these are the promises of God.  They are beautiful, and they are good, and they are for you to hold on to and see the beautiful things that God is doing in the midst of the difficult."  I held my composure pretty well.  The butterflies are so little and cute and there was a tin full of them in my hand.  Nevermind the fact I had told Paul at the Renaissance fair how I loved butterflies and it was probably the only girly thing about me.

I was already being ministered to and the service had not even started.  Through tears and fussing with the kids some more and the awe of what was happening I learned that the guest speaker today was a preacher named Alan from Scotland.  He had a strong Scottish accent and I believe he spoke slower than usual to make sure we understood what He was saying.  And what he spoke to me is that God is always working in us; God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit... through seasons, and transitions, because He is working out His prognosis for us.  He sees our sick condition, our brokenness, and has a blueprint in place to heal us - more than just accepting Christ as Lord and Savior, but to make us complete and whole, so we can build God's kingdom.  And the more we surrender to the Lord as he dissects us personally (and very privately, thank God!), the quicker we can move from a trying season to a place and time where we are being effective for God's kingdom.

I also learned at church that I need to drink more water, dance more, and blog more.

It's hard to put all this out there, I've been mulling it over in and out of sleep this afternoon, between a fever, a migraine, and a runny nose.  I haven't been much of a wife and mom today.  But if I don't write down what God has done then I'll miss it; it'll slip through my memory, I'll forget it... I won't build on it, I won't receive and appropriate it for my life.  I'll miss the point.  I can't miss the point.

Learning to Fight Like a Girl

There was a tremendous amount of anticipation this morning.  It was the first Sunday morning we all groggily got up and got to church - I didn't care if we were clean or presentable.  I just wanted to make it to Sunday School!

Sunday School was powerful.  We were watching a video by Lisa Bevere on the first chapter of our new study series, "Fight Like a Girl".  Her previous study, "Lioness Arising", was pretty eye-opening.  This one was too, and even though I had read the chapter, her comments on it was eye-opening for every woman in the room!  Let me hash out my notes:

Genesis 3:6  The Message (MSG)
When the Woman saw that the tree looked like good eating and realized what she would get out of it—she'd know everything!—she took and ate the fruit and then gave some to her husband, and he ate. 

 - The perfect man and the perfect woman had the perfect adversary!  We as a church are not as victorious as it could be because we fuss against each other (men, and women) instead of our true enemy: Satan.  He is the one that deceived us; He falsely promised us equality with God (which we did not get), and in exchange what we DID have we lost to him - dominion and wisdom.  We have lost the ability to steward all that God has given us in the foolishness of the battle of the sexes!  Marriages and churches are falling apart, we are losing our kids, and our friendships, because we try to take roles that aren't for us to have!  A man's role is not up for the taking, nor is it his to yield.  A woman's role is not up for grabs, nor is it hers to give away.
- Christ came to redeem our positions.  We were made in the image of God but we're just a reflection; just the same way a mirror shows us a glimpse of what we look like but does not show all that we are (it can tell us what our hair looks like, but not our gifts, our compassion, our strengths!).  Jesus was more than in God's image, He was in His very nature, God! 
 

Philippians 2:6 The Message (MSG)

 ^5-8Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion. 

- Under Redemption, we are now free to be women (and men to be men) and we no longer compete, but we complete.  Not only in a marriage, but in the church as a whole; the church needs the voice of men, and the voice of women.  The church needs fathers and mothers.  The church needs sons and daughters.  Grandparents too.  The church needs the unique gifts, personalities, and the voices of every person right where they are at!  Now we can work together to establish dominion ($10 word for stewardship of the resources God gives us) and recover what Satan stole from us.  This is God's intent, from the beginning.

Genesis 3:15-16 The Message (MSG) 
... I'm declaring war between you and the Woman, between your offspring and hers. 

- Our weapon against the enemy is our seed.  While Jesus was the ultimate Seed that crushes the serpent's head, there is still enmity between us (women) and the Serpent... much more than hatred, it's an irreconcilable hostility that expands over time. It was present in Genesis and it's present in Revelation 12:17, "Then the dragon became angry at the woman, and he declared war against the rest of her children - all who keep God's commandments and confess that they belong to Jesus."  Satan rages war against the woman and every human life that passes through the womb.  We need to be wise enough to discern that this is our battle; not each other!  So we fight back by winning the hearts of our children; whether they be our natural children or the spiritual ones that look up to us and are under our influence.  We must learn to use our influence, our beauty, and our feminine attributes as outlined in the Bible to edify our seed - which means we learn to live life with the future always in mind.
- What does fighting like a girl look like? Recovery.  Restoration.  Nurture.  We love each other, we comfort each other, and we build each other up.  We cheer for each other, and cry with each other, and pray for each other.  Men and women fight the same battle but with different roles.  Men have their roles to fulfill and need us to do ours!  When men can focus on fighting like men, and women focus on fighting like women, we start recovering what Satan lost.

Psalm 68:11-12 New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ The Lord announces the word,
    and the women who proclaim it are a mighty throng:
¹² “Kings and armies flee in haste;
    the women at home divide the plunder.

If I can place before you a visual:  There is a battle (camped around our homes, our jobs, and our church), and men are fighting on the front lines... but the woman's role in the battle is different.  As the men are fighting, we are proclaiming the Word; the victory and the promises of God.  Our mighty shout and proclamation is putting the enemy to flight!  And as the men chase them away, we (women) divide the plunder of all the enemy leaves behind - all the enemy stole from us in the first place!  In a practical sense, it means we don't go behind nagging our spouses, complaining of all that's wrong, and fussing with our kids.  We proclaim and celebrate that we are on the winning side, cheerleading for our husbands (even if in the prophetic!), defending our children with praise!

Ok so this was all just Sunday School.  Then during the service, we were just putting it to practice! Praising and singing, worshiping God, then praying at the altar... And that was that!  The Holy Spirit came and filled the sanctuary, everyone was plundering what they needed from the presence of God.

I have to share what God did for us, because He moved in us - in a very intangible way.  As a preface I have to confess that I was very discouraged because Paul was laid off on Thursday.  I'm barely recovering from surgery, we barely moved into this apartment, and we're balancing all the bills... it felt like a direct blow, knocking our feet from under us.  We went to church with this heaviness, on top of the prayer concern of our beloved nephew - who is not even a year old yet and he's fighting cancer, and a dear friend of mine who seems to be losing the fight against cancer as well.  So in a hands-on sense, things looked grim.

And then we were praising, and praying, and at the altar seeking God's face... and feeling His presence... and there is no way to describe this without speaking "christianese" - it may not make sense to someone who hasn't had this experience - but all our needs were met in the Spirit.  We received our yes and our help from God through His promises, now just to work and wait for them to manifest.  Paul's new job.  Andrew's healing... Every bill... The Lord already spoke it, and has it lined up, at just the right time and not a minute too late.  Our family is at such a profound peace as we've never experienced before.  God's word spoke over Paul and super-ceded any lie the enemy may have wanted Paul to believe about himself.  It's done, it's taken care of.  Not that Paul has received another job yet, but we know God has it set aside for him.

Not just our family, but our church too!  Couples were at the altar, receiving from God together.  It's like our church as a whole was being equipped not just to fight, but to win. I can only wait for the praise reports we will share next Sunday (if we don't see each other sooner).  I'm resting in it.

Post surgery...

I am so thankful to have Mom and Dad visiting - I've really been able to rest.  They've cooked and cleaned the kitchen (thank God!).  If they weren't here I'd be home resting by myself, but I would have to get my own medicine and make my own meals... even though I'm not supposed to cook.

I'm thoroughly enjoying the break.  I can read, I can blog, I can take afternoon naps.  I am one happy camper!

While I was going in and out of anesthesia, I was praying for Dr. Payne and for Andrew, and I think I was dreaming about both of them.  I don't remember going under, but I remember seeing them between the surgery room and the recovery room.

It hit me last night as I was going to sleep at home, that had I waited to have children the way I planned it originally, I wouldn't have been able to have them!  I'm pretty much sterile now with these procedures.  In my wisdom, I was going to wait till I was closer to 30 to have kids and before then do everything I wanted to do.  But I kept getting pregnant, and it was so frustrating for me.

Then I think of friends who want to have children and haven't been able to get pregnant.  Or who have lost their children, and I always wonder why God was in such a rush to give me children while other people struggle.

But in God's wisdom, he knew it would take Anakin, Brielle, and Caleb to complete our family.  And I love all three of them.  They are such amazing children.  I can't imagine my life without one or the other.  And I never knew I'd have reproductive issues before I turned 30!

But God knew.  And He plans things in His timing.  And He is good! Everything He does is precisely when He means it.  He is trustworthy!

He has been holding me up, He has answered our prayers. He is always there for You.  I just thought I'd share this with whoever feels that black rainy cloud on their head.  What I've been going through does not compare to the trials that others are facing.  But nothing is too big or too small for God.  Be encouraged!

Wait! Shh... Did you hear that?

I regretfully admit that I have spent more time fussing about a myriad of things than I have been blogging or sharing what God is doing in my life... probably, if I'm honest, because I wasn't letting Him DO anything; I was too busy in my own temper tantrum to let Him work!

But today was pretty awesome.  I was very touched by the sermon at church today, and it made me realize how much I love being at church on Sunday, and how much I'm edified by hearing God's Word!  In the craziness of everything going on (sick kids, sick self, child care, insurance, bleeegh...) I lost any sense of balance.  I was letting my emotions and everything going on control me and my attitude.  Not good at all! I know we all can be guilty of that sometimes, and I'm slowly but surely working on getting that balance back... by giving myself the time to focus on what I need the most: my Master's voice.

It may sound psychotic but what I mean is, taking the time to hush everything around me and meditate on Scripture, repeat to myself what the Bible says is true, enough times to where I start believing it and allowing it to improve my emotions and my bad attitude.

I need some much needed me-time so that I can be a better mom, wife, employee, and friend.  I need to give myself the time to exercise and take vitamins, so that I'm not sick and running on caffeine.  I need to give myself the time to rest so I can stay mentally sharp.  I need to give myself the time to blog because I feel like I lose my voice, my opinions, and my calling if I don't.  I haven't read a book in YEARS.

Then I also need to give my kids and my husband time.  They all love to talk (I wonder where they got THAT from!).  Anakin is a walking biology class, always wanting to share what he read in a book about animals or the human body.  He starts every other sentence with, "Did you know..?"  Caleb will destroy your place if you are not paying direct attention to him.  Brielle is very girly and is so much more feminine than I am, I feel pressured to keep up with my 4 year old!  She gives herself a mani/pedi every Sunday before starting the school week, because so help her if she goes to school on Monday and her nail polish is chipped.  And then you look at me and I don't shave my legs for months at a time, I chew my nails, and my hair looks like crap....*sigh* She is a gentle reminder for me to be at my best.

So I was incredibly refreshed by today's sermon and yesterday's long, long, LONG walk.

Yersterday's walk was in response to my deep, suppressed desire to be outside and in direct sunlight.  Winter sucked.  And now that spring is here I spend 8 hours of my day inside at work.  And in the evenings there's so much to do that I'm not always outside.  I want to host outdoor Mary Kay parties, I'm tellin' ya!  But I didn't want to be by myself outside, I wanted to spend time with the hubby and kids.  It was our anniversary weekend.  I would've loved to have planned a date w/ Paul but we didn't have a sitter.  One day I will have a sitter, not work on Saturday, and spend the day just me and him.  This weekend wasn't that day but it didn't mean that we couldn't turn off the TV and the computers and go outside where there's nothing else to do but talk to each other and walk!  So we took a hike, walked along the coastal trail from Kincaid Park to almost Point Woronzoff, and back.  I wanted to go to the beach but we missed the turn off, so we walked along the coast and saw the water from a distance (it's ok, I now know how to get to the beach, so maybe next time when it's a bit greener outside).  We walked way more than we should've and the kids were exhausted, but I'm happy to report that Caleb did not have a stroller and even he walked most of the way... and enjoyed it.  The kids were awestruck by nature, although a bit peeved that we were never "there yet".  I don't think they enjoyed just the walk as much as Aspen and I did!  I loved the smell of the trees, the view, the sunlight.  The break in the routine.  It is therapeutic for me - if ever I'm getting too pissy, just kidnap me and drop me off on a trail where I have to walk home.  I guarantee you my attitude will be MUCH better once I get home (provided I have food and water for my hike LOL) :)

I'm thankful my hubby and I both love being outdoors.  I want to get in shape and lose weight - so does he - and summer gives us the perfect opportunity to do so w/o spending too much money.

Today's sermon was exactly what I needed to hear at the finish of this week and the start of this next one.
- It's not your past that destroys you.  It's your pride!
- It's not sin that kills you, it's self pity!
- It's not failure that disqualifies us; it's our facade!
- It's not your lips that prove your love, it's your life!
- It's not about how you compare to others, it's about how you compare to your calling!
- It's not your mistakes that define you, it's your mission!

I can't quite preach like Pastor Gary but I recommend if you want to hear more,  you should come check out the sermon series "The Road to Emmaus" that we are doing at our church (Lifechange Assembly of God, on 15th and C St) Sundays at 10:30am.  So I'll spare you the sermon but let you know how it spoke to me:
- I've been too proud to admit that I need God's help and I can't work things out on my own.  I'm a hot mess on my own, to be precise.  But instead of humbling myself and asking God for help I've just been frustrated and cranky as to how things are NOT working out.
- Most of my whining has been about things not going right for me.  I have been so self-centered that now that I realize it I have been so disgusted with how little I've really thought of my friends, family, and church.  Just stuck in the rut and complaining the whole time.  Then I wonder why I was sick in the first place!
- If I fake like everything is fine then no one, not even God, can help me.  God can deal with my failures, He's strong enough to help me through them, and He has the power to turn them around for my good.  I just have to be open about it, instead of constantly acting like I got everything together.
- ♪♫ Let my lifesong sing to You... let my lifesong sing to You. I want to shout your Name at the end of the day, knowing that my life was true... let my lifesong sing to You.
- I sometimes gag at some of my friends on facebook, specially the moms around my age, because they seem so picture perfect and loving about their kids... like Martha Stewart posters, and I can't even match clean socks to save my life.  Thank God I'm not supposed to strive to be like them; the only person I'm competing with is myself - the only goal is to be a better me today than I was yesterday.  It's liberating...
- What's my mission?  I've been constantly encouraged, through my business and my church, to figure out what my goals are, to map it out, to determine my course of action in pursuit of my dream.  But it all still looks fussy to me, although I know that my business factors into it.  Maybe with a little bit more prayer time, a little bit more dreaming time, I can lay it all out.

That's all for today folks!

Spring is almost here!

And with it, a whole new season of change! I'm so stoked!

What God has been doing spiritually and materially in my life is beyond description. And I wasn't expecting it at all! Not this way.

In one way, I was praying and seeking God for a new dream. I went to an amazing, refreshing conference where I just had the Spirit poured into me in a new way - much needed, actually. I was tired of the same ol', same ol'. I received the affirmation that I am where I am, doing what I'm doing, with the people I am with, all exactly in the will of God and for His purposes. My children are mine because I am the mother fit for them. My husband is mine because I am the perfect wife for him. I'm at the job I need to be in because my personality and my abilities are needed in my work place. I was released from the striving; from feeling like I was falling short of who I was supposed to be, or wasn't good enough, or didn't quite fit. Since this conference I have finally begun to feel like I fit just fine; mistakes, quarks, and all.

I opened myself up to receive a new dream from God - whatever it may be. Something to pursue. I had no idea what it would be, I just told God that whatever He wanted to bless me with I would follow. I entertained a few things of my own but didn't resolve to desire anything and leave my heart a blank state. And for a few months - ok maybe about one, I just walked in contentment.

I slowly began to realize that a big dream of mine is the fulfillment of my children's dreams. I started listening to my kids and seeing that for the longest, Anakin wants to do Karate and Brielle wants to do ballet. I came across by what appears to be coincidence a sample package for Karate - $20 for 2 classes and a white belt. Anakin loved it! More than that, he looked GOOD at it. We signed him up beginning in April as a start. 3 days a week, 1 hour per class, for the next 30 months. And he is RESOLVED. He told me as we were driving home that he wanted to learn Korean instead of Spanish. I'm hispanic, so it's not an option (LOL) but I asked him why. He said, "Because I want to master Tae Kwon Do, and then speak really good Korean, and go to Korea and teach Karate over there, and be able to tell people about God." If that is what his God given dream is (and I know it's subject to change as he ages), I'm all for it! I am not going to do anything to discourage him or deter him from dreaming.

Next step: Brielle. Still working on that.

But as we were all praying about the pursuit of new interests and the finances to back it up, I was invited to my friend's house to get a free facial with Mary Kay products. I totally needed a new face. I LOOKED older and more tired than I felt. With 3 kiddos in tow, I enjoyed a few hours and felt (and looked!) so much better! It's like my face came alive but also my faith! Sharing what God has been doing with each other, loving on each other, just revived me.

I understand that men totally don't need this, but we women do: We need affirmations to survive. From each other. That's why we compliment each other, even more so sincerely. And while we may not ASK for them, we need to receive them back. We need to hear (and know) that we are good friends, good people, and that our unique beauty contributes SOMETHING to our surroundings. If you don't believe me, just leave a woman to be overlooked and see what happens; whether in her home or in her job, she will start to whither like an UN-nurtured flower. Bitterness grows, negativity grows, and soon she becomes the person people DON'T want to be around. See how a kind word can turn a person around too. I'm not making this up - it's biblical!

And for reasons probably too big to understand, instead of referring my friends to Penelope I signed up to be a Mary Kay Consultant myself. This has not been without it's battle, of course. The enemy is full-force, but at least I know I'm doing something that bugs him! On top of a whole bunch of little issues, is my own voice of self-doubt and fear - rising it's ugly head, as strong as ever: I've failed at a business before. I'm shy. I don't wear a lot of make up on a regular basis anyways. Money is tight. And I have an excruciatingly difficult time initiating a conversation with someone I don't know.

BUT...

This is all the more reason why it's something God is doing and not entirely my own. Because it will take God to help me, I can't do it by myself. I'll have to partner with Him to overcome myself. And I already see Him helping me in baby steps - little by little, not more than I can handle. For every lie of the devil there is a Bible verse to encourage me. This is a lesson I should've learned in Oklahoma but I was too immature then. All in God's timing though. "The pain it took for the rose to blossom was greater than the pain of staying budded forever." I have to grow through this because there are other dreams counting on this. Not very big dreams, but important none-the-less.

And I'm seeing Him do something every day to bring confirmation to this direction. Every day. It is edifying my faith.

I had a dream that we were in some sort of war. It was a battle that was actually taking place in the sky; we were on fighter jets and such. Men were flying, women were the guns. We were fighting side by side and for a moment it felt like I was in Paul's dream and not mine! Then our planes exploded and we fell - kind of floated - and landed in the ocean. Unharmed, I swam upward past all the beautiful sea life and surfaced. I saw many of us surfacing and it was a mob of us in open water. Then a huge wave surged, one I knew I had no way of going under or over (and I'm pretty familiar with ocean waves, I've been swimming off the coast of south Florida since I was 6!), and it kind of rolled us all. But it didn't drown us; it was as if we could breathe through the wave. It was fear-inspiring and yet I wasn't afraid for my life, as more and more waves pushed us and then in the horizon I could see land. And then as I'm in this vivid picture of the waves pushing us forward I realized I was dreaming and I asked God, "What is this?" I heard Him audibly respond in my dream, "It's the wave of My Holy Spirit; My mercy." And in the dream, even as I woke up, I was just praising God and saying, "Yes! Lord, bring it on!"

Over the past couple of days, I've been praying and reflecting on this dream, noticing more and more things:
#1 - I couldn't identify the enemy as a specific group of people. Just like you wouldn't tell which side I was on. It was a mob of teenagers and young adults in casual clothes and every day styles fighting against people suited in black and with face masks on. This wasn't a war against another country or even just fought in the US. I saw people on my side of so many different colors and ethnic backgrounds - I can remember their faces even today... oriental, black, indian... And I believe that God was showing me this is our spiritual war-fare, not against people but against the prince of the air. Every believer united, married couples fighting together, all of us doing our role! More so, there was no "star", no "super-hero", no one person more important or more qualified than the other. Praise God! Let His church cross denomination, race, and culture and rise up to fight!
#2 - The wave of God's mercy moved us all to safety, to land. God's Holy Spirit was directing us when we would not have any idea which direction to swim in. And it moved us in such a way that we could not out-swim it and do our own way. And there was such peace and joy in surrendering to the waves! And we ALL went. It looked to me like revival! I kept singing the phrase from "How He Loves Us",

And He is our portion and we are His prize
drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have the time to maintain these regrets
when I think about the way...
That He loves us, oh how He loves us...

I wish I had a time-frame for this dream. I've never considered myself a prophet. But God has spoken to me in dreams, more so when I was a lot younger. It had been years before I had any fresh revelation from Him or any ... indication that He was in a relationship with me! I just praise Him. I seek His Word, I pray, and I find myself listening closely for cues or ... points that He wants to make in every part of my life right now.

I do not have a direct revelation as to how starting a Mary Kay business could be directly related with a personal revival in my walk with God. It somehow is a ministry. It definitely is something I have to hold God's hand through. But I am loving this! And my kids are loving the joy and the hope in me too.

3/4/12 Sermon

Not original AT ALL. Pastor Gary was bringing a WORD, and so was Amanda with her song, and Dave with his testimony, and Mary and Derrick with their song... so it was just... Something I want all of my friends to know, whether they were at service or not!

The Dreamer - Genesis 37

² This is the story of Jacob. The story continues with Joseph, seventeen years old at the time, helping out his brothers in herding the flocks... And Joseph brought his father bad reports on them.

^3-4 Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other sons because he was the child of his old age. And he made him an elaborately embroidered coat. When his brothers realized that their father loved him more than them, they grew to hate him—they wouldn't even speak to him.

^5-7 Joseph had a dream. When he told it to his brothers, they hated him even more. He said, "Listen to this dream I had. We were all out in the field gathering bundles of wheat. All of a sudden my bundle stood straight up and your bundles circled around it and bowed down to mine."

⁸ His brothers said, "So! You're going to rule us? You're going to boss us around?" And they hated him more than ever because of his dreams and the way he talked.

⁹ He had another dream and told this one also to his brothers: "I dreamed another dream—the sun and moon and eleven stars bowed down to me!"

^10-11 When he told it to his father and brothers, his father reprimanded him: "What's with all this dreaming? Am I and your mother and your brothers all supposed to bow down to you?" Now his brothers were really jealous; but his father brooded over the whole business.

Let Your Spirit awaken the dreams of Your people.

Don't try to have your own dream, because you will only be trying to fill the whole in your heart. Instead, ask for God's vision. His dream will not only fill the void in your heart, but also that of the world!

Every person in your family has a specific God-given, unique purpose here on Earth. When we welcome the favor of our Heavenly Father, we begin to dream, because we realize we are chosen.

God chooses people in spite of their dysfunctional families or their flaws. We just need to put on the coat of His favor and His righteousness.

- the favor and support of their parents releases the destiny of the child.

- its what God the Father did when Jesus was baptized and the dove came on Him.

- Pray God's will for each child.

You won't believe God's dreams or you until you believe God's love for you.

God's love is offensive (John 3:16, "This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life." ) ...

and defensive... (Romans 8:35-39 "The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture... None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.)

He pursues us, loves us, and protects us.

His thoughts towards us are precious.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Ephesians. 4:24 "And then take on an entirely new way of life—a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you."- our "coat". We need the fullness of the Holy Spirit to cover us. The coat gives us the right to dream out loud.

A private dream is a dead dream. Submit to God, to His process. Share it with a friend, ask for prayer help. Journal through it - write it down.

Warrior Bride Awaken

I had so much poured into me during the Warrior Bride Awaken Conference this weekend at our church that I don't know what to do with it other than to share it. I have to be honest, I enjoyed a lot of the time around the conference too - in the kitchen, or on the pew, with my friends.

So as praise and worship was going there was this release of dreams and ideas and I just pulled out my Blackberry and started writing as furiously as I could - not quite sure how or what to do with all of it, but excited because I haven't had a dream in a long time. Not much of anything sparked my interest or elicited my pursuit... the last time I felt a dream was when I wanted to be a vet tech and that fizzled out behind the reception desk. For the longest I wondered if the dream fizzled out due to opposition, but this weekend I was sparked alive by tons of other things I wanted to do with my life and working at a vet clinic didn't even cross my mind.

And it's ok, everything is in seasons. There's a season to focus on career and there's a season to focus on parenting... there's a season for everything and right now I feel I'm entering into a season to focus other passions and desires that I had buried or neglected due to being a non-stop industrial machine of housekeeping and working.

So some of the things I jotted down were:
Daughter-Mother dance?
Drama/dance ministry with kids after school, like in some sort of afterschool program?
If Aspen were a therapy dog, what would we do together?
A degree from Bible college/university? In Counseling? Bible? Performing Arts?

Lord, give me my dream for now, for 3 years from now, for 5 years from now. Give me dream and passion to pursue You and further Your kingdom work.

Hebrews 12:1-3

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses

We are surrounded by the men and women of faith in Hebrews 11, who are spurring us on because what they saw in pieces they testify we can now experience fully!

let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.

We have the power to just repent and throw off everything that has us tangled in the things not from God. Why? So we can just run!

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,

Run with perseverance. Don't strive, wrestle after it, or struggle with it. Just keep running! Running doesn't give you the chance to second guess, look back, or pick up the things you've tossed off.

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.

Fix your eyes on Jesus! He overcomes the obstacles that could slow you down with his gaze of love.

Lord forgive me for not fighting through my illness to do Walk for Life, or coming to pray with 40 Days For Life. I understand my faithlessness now.

For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God

I am the JOY that helped Jesus endure the cross. He scorned shame - He defeated it, doesn't want me to feel it or act like I have anything to be ashamed of. He only looks at me with JOY.

I'm not an orphan anymore. I have lived all my life as if I had to raise myself. I have a Daddy to nurture me and build me up. He will be with me and support me on my dream and help me grow. I can build my dream in His lap, hash out what it would look like. I need to go through my schedule and see where I can spend time with Him... Probably in the morning.