I can understand a lot of things now...

I completely get, now more than ever, why the divorce rate is so high. I believe, that even among Christians, it's at 50%. And it was so easy to sit on the judgmental seat back in the day and say, "Oh they weren't being spiritual enough", or "they didn't marry the person that God had for them", or "they are taking the easy way out!"

But it's so much more complex than this!

There's a ton of elements that make any relationship challenging:
- People change! Or they don't! There's growth, or lack of. And what if you are ready to grow but your spouse isn't? Or if they resent you because you've changed?
- The dating game is a SCAM. Because you ALWAYS wear your best clothes, smell your best, and behave your best. And then you get married and your guard is DOWN. And the real you comes out. And years after you are married you feel cheated, deceived some how. It turns out that the "hard worker" you married just liked having cash to blow when he was single, and now that you have a family he can't keep a job. Or the "patient" lady you married is like a boiling pot, and then the "snappy" side comes out and you didn't think she'd ever explode at you the way she does now.
- You stop trying. It's like, oh well I'm married now. Because getting married is like a video game, right? you reach the last level, beat the bad guy, say your "I dos", and then now you enjoy the music and credit screen. The end.

And the killer that adds to all these things is the question, "Is this how it'll be for the rest of my life!?!?" And you feel trapped... and that bitterness building up inside of you suddenly begins to kill you ever so slowly to where all you are waiting for is to die as physically as you are dead emotionally and spiritually.

However, there's hope. Because there are good factors, things that - if the love was genuine at the beginning - it can help:
- It should hurt to see your partner hurting. If there's no compassion, empathy - if it makes no difference to you or "you're just sick of it"... it's not good!
- There needs to be a large, grand amount of selflessness. If you truly feel that the person you vowed to is number one (instead of yourself), then making whatever adjustments are necessary is not a challenge! We will lovingly, willingly do for our spouses whatever they will need us to do.
- It has to be a two-way street, and the minute one person feels like they are doing all the hard work, it is in a precarious situation!
- You can enjoy the good times! Never underestimate a good laugh, a great conversation, a wonderful walk. Learn to create moments to enjoy together because there will be plenty of time for drama and strife, so you need to be able to look back and pull to memory things you enjoy about your spouse. And remembering good things about your spouse is not the same as making excuses for them, or justifying... it's truly being able to see and recall specific good things that the spouse does.

And now I see how these things can make or break any relationship. And I only barely scratched the surface of relationships. This is not even factoring in physical, verbal, or emotional abuse... or a person who has deep personal problems that affect their ability to successfully have a relationship (asberguer's, learning disabilities, a history of abuse, poor relationships with parents... oh the list goes on!). It doesn't take a bad couple to break up. It doesn't take a good couple to stay together.

I look at a few people I know whom I respect and consider godly women who are divorced and I understand, completely, that they didn't have much of a choice! They had to make the choices that they made simply to keep their heads above water, to keep their sanity, and to survive. I'm not advocating in favor of divorce. I know it's not in God's will and Jesus said He didn't want it for us.

But at the end of the day, we are broken people, trying to have a permanent and faithful relationship with another broken person, while living in a broken world.

My prayer for everyone out there is that you wake up and smell the coffee! Don't let one day go by where you don't do anything out of the ordinary to let your spouse know that you care. Don't get so caught up in the grind of life that your marriage is as monotonous as your job. That the "bed time routine" of the kids and the family becomes just something you have to do.

Work out your problems! It's not causing drama to argue. The problem is in silently boiling. Or walking away to make it easy (actually, walking away is being cowardly!). Do not be afraid of confrontation, but face them head on keeping in mind that you and your spouse are on the same team against the problem! STOP just blowing off your spouse but consider that if it upsets your spouse then it is important enough to address and fix right away!

How would you like to feel like you are screaming for help and your spouse has headphones on, oblivious to your cry for help? Don't put your spouse in that position - in that emotion! IT MATTERS! Because at the end of your day, it's your spouse who will have your back... it's your spouse that deserves the best from you.

And if you are in the screaming point yourself, feeling like your relationship is a prison and not a blessing, may I encourage you to pray and seek appropriate counsel. There will always be someone that will give you godly advice, that will allow you to vent without picking sides, and that will not make you feel guilty for being frustrated. I would love to say that this person is a pastor, but maybe not - and you need to pray and ask God to show you who this person is. But seek some counseling, and don't be too quick to give up SPECIALLY if you are not in an abusive relationship. Because unless your mental or physical well-being is in danger, your spouse deserves a second chance (or maybe a third, or a fourth... or seven times seventy-ith). If you can be merciful and gracious to ANYONE else - then your spouse all the more.

And to my friends with broken hearts and failed relationships, who maybe have recovered, or maybe not... even if you put your heart back together with duck tape and put your best foot forward anyways... I pray God brings complete healing to your heart and gives you hope in a future relationship that is as rewarding as God called it to be.

Because of the Brave

A battle weary soldier prays a silent prayer
Thinks of family far away tonight.
Brothers gathered around, all faithful to the cause
Never knowing if they'll see tomorrow's light

Willingly they face the struggle everyday
Freedom's price is more than they should have to pay...

I can live in freedom, I can dream my dreams
Freedom's price was paid, because of those who died for me
I will honor what they fought to save. This is the land of the free...
Because of the brave.

Mother of their children, sits broken and alone
Holds a folded flag close to her heart.
Friends and family gathered around, but they've all come and gone
Now her life is being torn apart

Faithfully she'll face the struggle everyday
But freedom's price is more than she should have to pay...

I can live in freedom, I can dream my dreams
Freedom's price was paid, because of those who died for me..
I will honor what they fought to save. This is the land of the free...
Because of the brave.

Brave men who paid the price, and made the final sacrifice
Knowing it would lead them to their grave
And I cannot repay the costs, or mend the hearts of those who lost
But I can live the dream they died to save...

I can live in freedom, I can dream my dreams.
Freedom's price was paid, because of those who died for me...
I will honor what they fought to save. This is the land of the free...
Because of the brave.

Arizona Immigration Laws

Ok so I am at odds with a lot of people with my view of immigration. Behold, the points where I agree:
- Immigrants should apply for legal permission to be in the US and follow the law, and all the procedures, the way I did.
- Immigrants need to come to the U.S. and learn English - both written and read - if they intend to do more than visit as a tourist.
- Border Control needs to tighten their patrol of the Mexico-US Border and keep US Citizens safe from drug cartels, smugglers, and etc.
- Criminals who are immigrants don't need to be here.
- Immigrants SHOULD not be given any kind of social assistance beyond a public school education and school lunches until they have been here legally for at least 5 years and have been contributing tax payers and spenders in our economy.

That said, here is where most people would disagree with me:
- EMERGENCY Medical Care and Public Education should be universally available to anyone who needs it w/o discrimination as to whether they can pay or not, or are here legally or not.
- US Immigration laws need to allow for more immigrants in the US to obtain legal status if they are gainfully employed and paying taxes, and are w/o criminal records.
- Illegal immigrants are NOT wasting all our resources because they are not eligible for public assistance until they've been here legally for five years. Somehow everyone has the misconception that it's illegals who are hogging up all the foodstamps and medicaid. Well, I have to say that it's not this social group. It's mostly all the US Citizens that ARE fully legal and eligible to work and opt not to that are draining these resources.
- Someone's legal status should have no bearing on their ability to report a crime or call the police!
- Multi-cultural education in the US is CRUCIAL to ending discrimination. If you don't allow any "ethnic" history/cultural other than "white American history" then your education system is not much different from that of the Nazis. And that would make the whole garbage of "ethnic history portrays white people to be the bad guys" a self-fulfilling prophecy, don't you think?

Here's the thing. Behind every immigrant - even every illegal immigrant - there is a STORY. Because there is a person - a soul that God loves, that God created, and that Jesus died for. We can't sit here with the mentality of "oh well, too bad for you if it sucks in your own country... deal with it". Because THAT mentality would be un-American.

So, my Republican anti-immigration friends, please enlighten me because I'm about to swear in as a US Citizen in two days and this may be crucial to my decision; correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the Declaration of Independence say:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

I never read in the text that this statement applies to any particular group in particular, although we imply it applies to US Citizens. But I would argue that this statement was written as the US declared their separation from Britain, during a time when ALL that founded this nation and obtained it's independence were technically immigrants, citizens of ANOTHER COUNTRY, until they chose to pledge their allegiance to the new nation that was founded. So therefore I can safely assume that this statement wasn't made exclusively for the white folks around the table but for anyone who comes to the US, to support this country, in exchange for the rights to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness that "self-evidently" should be available to EVERYONE.

Are we now saying that if you are hispanic we don't really care if you came to pursue these unalienable rights? Because if you are Mexican, it doesn't really matter if the right to life, happiness, or liberty are unavailable in your country - sucks to be you? Or here's a thought: Maybe not ALL men were created equal. Just White men. And in the 1960s, we finally realized that Black men too - although it took 100 years between the abolition of slavery and the civil rights movement for the US to figure that one out...

Now I say all this, and it probably offends white americans... and rightly so! But how in the world do you think I feel when Arizona passes those laws, when I hear comments like, "That's right! I'm sick of all these Mexicans here! Send them home!" or the one that grinds me the most, "Just because you are born in the States doesn't mean you should be a US Citizen! Send those welfare babies home!" Hello! I'm not even Mexican (I'm Venezuelan), but most white bigots wouldn't care or notice. Because what they are saying with all these statements are that MY kids, born to an immigrant in the US, shouldn't get medicaid or foodstamps if we fall under hard times, because after all - they are not really citizens! And that's not the attitude I want to have directed at me when I graduated from a US Public School with a 3.85 GPA (higher than most US-born Americans), did 175 hours of community service JUST PRIOR TO GRADUATION, served my city, fundraised for various American organizations, paid all my taxes since I was 18, and yes - I've had to depend on public assistance to get our family through from time to time.

(And may I interject here that Paul and I were NOT eligible for more than $30 a month in foodstamps and medicaid for the kids BECAUSE I wasn't here legally long enough. )

And yet you want to discriminate against ME - because I would like to have Hispanic Heritage Month at the schools where I pay taxes and my kids attend - so they can learn about Gloria Estefan, and Simon Bolivar, and many more hispanic people with incredible achievements in history that - hey, guess what? - they weren't white! Maybe not even US Citizens *gasp*. And you would discriminate against ME and tell me that my kids aren't really American, and that I need to "go back home", because I'm hogging your resources?

Oh wait... maybe you weren't talking about me specifically. Because fortunately I'm half german and I kinda look a little whiter than most Salvadorians or Guatemalans... right?

And then, maybe you look at a short little brown skinned dude, standing outside of Home Depot, hoping to get hired to do SOMETHING, and you are disgusted, thinking, "What the hell is he doing here? He needs to go look for work in his own country!" But you don't see all the whites/blacks US citizens on SSI/Foodstamps standing there with him either... And you don't know that maybe he's only 16, and he crossed the border illegally on foot, but he did so because his indian tribe is on the verge of extermination, and his sisters were raped, and his mother is still missing, and he has the scars where the bullets of an AK-47 nicked him as they shot at the car he was riding in and killed his uncle.... And so this "wetback" ran for his life, doing whatever he can to survive, unable to finish high school, in a country where he doesn't speak the language, where he's still afraid of the people who threatened him in South America.... He's not asking for a hand-out, he's asking for an opportunity to break a sweat and EARN his next meal...

And I can name you... 50 people with the "sob story" mentioned above, so it's the rule and not the exception - these are just clients of the firm I work for, here in Alaska... not counting the rest of the US, and the ones being scammed, and the ones in detention held for a $10,000 bail just for not having papers when a pedophile's bail in the same state is set for $7,000....

But if you DID know, would you care? Would it matter? Would it transform your anti-immigration ideals just enough to say, "yeah, we need reform, but we need to remember that these are PEOPLE. There are good people, and bad people, and we need to screen the ones that are here for harm, but not penalize those that mean us no harm?" Would you think twice before you "YAHOO!" at the next bigot law that Arizona passes? Or at least have a little bit more tact about it so that you don't offend those who came to this country in pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness (like me!)?

Oh, and here is where I get controversial: What does the Bible say? (And if you really know me, you should see this coming!)

Leviticus 19:9-10 (The Message)

^9-10 "When you harvest your land, don't harvest right up to the edges of your field or gather the gleanings from the harvest. Don't strip your vineyard bare or go back and pick up the fallen grapes. Leave them for the poor and the foreigner. I am God, your God.

Leviticus 19:32-34 (The Message)

³² "Show respect to the aged; honor the presence of an elder; fear your God. I am God.

^33-34 "When a foreigner lives with you in your land, don't take advantage of him. Treat the foreigner the same as a native. Love him like one of your own. Remember that you were once foreigners in Egypt. I am God, your God.

Leviticus 25:35-36 (The Message)

^35-38 "If one of your brothers becomes indigent and cannot support himself, help him, the same as you would a foreigner or a guest so that he can continue to live in your neighborhood. Don't gouge him with interest charges; out of reverence for your God help your brother to continue to live with you in the neighborhood. Don't take advantage of his plight by running up big interest charges on his loans, and don't give him food for profit. I am your God who brought you out of Egypt to give you the land of Canaan and to be your God.

Wow. God instructed His chosen people, the Israelites, to treat the foreigners like their own. To love them, to help them... And America claims to be "One Nation Under God", right? So are you bound to the Word of God everywhere EXCEPT here? Go ahead and look for these scripture references in whatever version of the Bible you like and you will see that it's pretty clear! God set those standards for the nation of Israel to BLESS THEM, and He would bless US too if we followed it. I know Obama said that the Bible has no place in our nation, but oh - how it does! If we operated under the laws of mercy and compassion without discrimination, oh what a Nation this would be!

In fact, if we are so concerned about our resources, and making sure "our own are taken care of first", why not consider these solutions that God gave the Israelites for a prosperous nation?

Leviticus 25:7-9 (The Message)

Leviticus 25

"The Land Will Observe a Sabbath to God"

^1-7 God spoke to Moses at Mount Sinai: "Speak to the People of Israel. Tell them, When you enter the land which I am going to give you, the land will observe a Sabbath to God. Sow your fields, prune your vineyards, and take in your harvests for six years. But the seventh year the land will take a Sabbath of complete and total rest, a Sabbath to God; you will not sow your fields or prune your vineyards. Don't reap what grows of itself; don't harvest the grapes of your untended vines. The land gets a year of complete and total rest. But you can eat from what the land volunteers during the Sabbath year—you and your men and women servants, your hired hands, and the foreigners who live in the country, and, of course, also your livestock and the wild animals in the land can eat from it. Whatever the land volunteers of itself can be eaten.

"The Fiftieth Year Shall Be a Jubilee for You"

^8-12 "Count off seven Sabbaths of years—seven times seven years: Seven Sabbaths of years adds up to forty-nine years. Then sound loud blasts on the ram's horn on the tenth day of the seventh month, the Day of Atonement. Sound the ram's horn all over the land. Sanctify the fiftieth year; make it a holy year. Proclaim freedom all over the land to everyone who lives in it—a Jubilee for you: Each person will go back to his family's property and reunite with his extended family. The fiftieth year is your Jubilee year: Don't sow; don't reap what volunteers itself in the fields; don't harvest the untended vines because it's the Jubilee and a holy year for you. You're permitted to eat from whatever volunteers itself in the fields.

Yeah not popular. Give the land a rest? Not kill myself for a profit for ONE year? Forgive all debts and restore everything that was foreclosed on or repossessed? Give the working class a break?! Not charge interest?!? The stock market would crash! The country would go into a depression!!

And yet I know without a shadow of a doubt that it would allow the American Empire to grow and prosper. The foreclosure and bankruptcy losses would almost disappear. And the reason why I know this is because history (and the Bible) has proven that Israel DOMINATED THE WORLD right up until the point that the kings of the nations refused to. And then they were annihilated by the Babylonians and ... well the rest was history.

But Jewish history. Not White American History. I don't expect it to be taught in Arizona schools when it comes to World History anymore. In fact, I would venture to say that they will begin to teach that the "Holocaust" never happened; after all, that makes white people appear in such a negative light!

And a tidbit of info, while the Nazis in Europe were putting Jews in concentration camps, the US were putting Japanese people in concentration camps in the Midwest - were many died from illness and poor care (in fact, Pat Morita's character in the first "Karate Kid" shares how while he was in the war his wife and child died in birth because she was in one of these camps). How does that make white people look?

Oh life's puzzles...

I'm actually struggling right now. I don't know in what direction to move. I can't even put my words together.

We have an opportunity, a blank slate so to speak, where our family can choose what direction to go on. And I want to be in the Lord's hands - to do whatever he wants us to do. But I also want the rent paid and the kids fed. I am stuck.

I am the proverbial deer stuck in the headlights.

I wish I had the faith to say "yeah let's move 100% towards ministry and hey, God will provide!" But I don't. The reality is that I want is control - calculated, perfected measures... To know exactly when the next check comes, and the next bill gets paid, and to have everything in control. No risk. No scare. And by default, not requiring any faith to get it done, either.

I hate being in this spot again. I never wanted to go back to this spot. Because the reality is that I can't sleep, and I over-eat, under this kind of stress. I get "bi-polar", doing my best to keep a smile on my face and then exploding with anger and tears when I can't keep up with my facade. And truthfully, I'm a little hurt that God allowed it again. I wonder if I can trust Him. He knows the effect that this trial would have on me and yet He thinks I can make it. And there HAS to be gentler ways to get His point across, for Him to steer us.

So now, how do I face the world with the faith that God is good and trustworthy if I'm not quite that strong myself? What will happen if we get evicted? If we lose everything we have? I know that the material things don't matter, but the stability of the kids... Their well-being...

So there... that was my pity party. Thank you for listening.

But I read in 1 Peter 5:10 that "In His kindness god called you to share in His eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, He will restroe, support and strengthen you, and He will place you on a firm foundation."

I know His Word is true because He has restored us before! In the summer of 2008 I thought something in my heart was dead never to be resurrected! I constantly felt a knife wedged in my back and as the weeks went by I saw that the people who put it there would only drive it in further just to make sure Paul and I got the point. Everything in my life was done and over with as far as I was concerned and I was just waiting to die as physically as I was emotionally and spiritually.

And then God sent friends our way that gently lifted us up and restored our faith in Christendom! And in the prayer times (as bitter as I may have been), His Spirit would come and hold me up. He would bring Scripture to mind that would remind me of His love and His strength. Self-delusion? Not at all. I remember reading Psalms and seeing a verse and praying, "God, this doesn't even seem true at all! So because I'm sick of just doing the church thing (and the church is the first and most harmful thing that happened to me at that moment), if I am to believe in Your Word, it's going to take Your Spirit making me feel it in my heart!" And then God would do it! Maybe not immediately, but He would definitely eventually do it. I would be singing during worship or about to fall asleep and I would feel a HUG. A warm, loving hug that would give me tears because I knew at that moment that God was affirming me. That Jesus Christ did care about what happened to me. That He did care that I was hurting, just like His Word said He did.

His Word is a solid foundation for me. No matter what my circumstances, or my feelings, His Word is firm. It's the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. It's been proven true by history, by archaeology, and science. And if you turn your eyes to the truth in Scripture, He will prove it. He will stand by His Words, His promise to you.

Basically, as much as I may gripe about my trial when I go back to the Word I cannot argue with it! I cannot call God a liar! I can't say His Word isn't true! It would make a fool of me. My trial isn't that the Word of God is failing me, it's that I am struggling to apply it and commit to it with all of my heart. For no reason other than my own human nature to want to hold everything in my own two hands when Jesus' nail-scarred hands are greater and more powerful.

I have lived in faith before. I remember dropping Paul off at work in Miami and driving down US1, officially homeless. And in the time it took me to get from Cutler Ridge to Homestead I had the keys to an apartment in my hand.

I remember lying in a pool of my own blood, pregnant with Anakin, writhing in pain. I remember Paul carrying me to the ER where they told us that I was having a miscarriage. They tried to pump me full of Vicodin and make it easier on me. But Paul just took me home and we both believed what God's Word says on healing and prayed. We prayed for healing. Even though the doctors advised us not to wish for his healing because he was oxygen deprived for so long he'd probably be born with severe retardation and handicaps. But we believed that God always healed 100% and so we trusted that God would not just save his life but also undo all the damage and restore him physically and mentally to perfection. And He did.

I remember being at Sooner Rd. Church of God and the Associate Pastor asked us to lead the YWEA project and use what little amount of youth we had to raise funds for missions - Ghana, Africa, to be specific. And Paul and I felt led to raise $2000.00 . And everyone was in shock because they didn't believe that our little church could come up with so much extra. But He did! We did yard sales, car washes, and challenges - and we raised OVER $2000.00 .

So even if its just me. Even if I'm the only one taking on the burden of praying. Even if I'm the only one in the trial and it's just me and God. That will be enough.

Being a Trader...

So at church Pastor Steve has taken his leadership crew and started a new Sunday Night Bible study based on the materials titled, "Right Now: The Mission of the Church Matters." In it, for the first Sunday, was refreshing materials and sermons that I am going to enjoy reading through all through out this week in my personal time.

For one thing, the pastor preaching today (Francis Chan) was refreshingly honest and sincere, one of those preachers that I would enjoy if he was on the pulpit or across from the table in my dining room. He wrote a book called, "Crazy Love", which was highly recommended to me so I gave it to Vanessa for Christmas (And she really, REALLY liked it!).

And basically the whole point of the study was to focus on the fact that TODAY the church matters. Sadly "church" has been beaten around, messed with, and distorted but the world needs the church - as is outlined by Scripture, a living and breathing body of Christ that takes something as grand and inconceivable as GOD and gives it arms and feet to heal, restore, and love. You can disagree with me if you like, and I know a lot of people that do. But the big picture of what God designed church to be is soooooooo much greater than what other people consider an excuse not to attend one.

Church as a duty, as a Sunday Morning tradition or obligation... well it sucks. And if that's all there is to it, then I'd rather sleep in. Church as a way to find perfect people is setting yourself up for DISASTER. Church as a social group is entirely ineffective.

But church as a family, united - a group of individuals that love and support each other and share that love with their community.... wow! That's church that you couldn't pay me to miss! A church that experiences the tangible touch of the Holy Spirit as His glory descends and dwells in our praise and worship... You don't have to beg me to come... you may have to beg me to leave! Church as the time of support when life kicks you in the groin, to find people who are not going to condemn you but to pray for you and be there for you anyway they can... that's so refreshing!

I love my church. It's very different from the one I got saved at. It's very different from the one I last attended in Florida. It's very different from the church most people attend. But please let me keep hanging out with those dear ol' saints! We are working towards becoming the kind of body that Jesus can use to point to Himself.

So in the bible study, we were encouraged to become "traders": People who trade in the self-centered (and now entirely distorted) ambition of the "American Dream" for a self-sacrificing lifestyle where we tangibly care enough about others to DO something about it.

And the pastor told a good illustration to prove this: He asked his daughter to clean her room. And then he pointed out, "My daughter knows better than to come back to me and say, 'Daddy, I've memorized your instructions.... I've studied it in the Greek and Hebrew language, and I am inviting my friends over so we can have studies on how we're supposed to clean our rooms.' If she does all this, and doesn't clean her room, she is still being disobedient!"

"Or how somehow we forget the age-old game of following the leader, because when it comes to following Christ, we just tell Him 'Oh, we're following you deep in our heart' - but we're not doing as He did or as He asked us to do!"

May I clarify that the "American Dream" was originally freedom of worship (worship being the operative word here!), life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Now it's about having a bigger and better house/car/dog/job than the Jones', and we will justify anything and sacrifice everything just to please ourselves with more ... stuff! We credit the American Dream to neglecting our children to work 80 hr jobs to pay for $50,000 credit card debt that we spent on a boat and plasma tv and liposuction we really didn't NEED.

That's the American Dream we are talking about trading in -because Jesus lived a life entirely on serving and sacrificing for others and He said, "You are not greater than your MASTER, so go and do likewise!" (Paraphrase mines.) He also said that we need to lose our lives in order to find true life. It's a hard pill to swallow. Too many of us are deeply attached to our wants, our dreams, and our goals to let them go for anything - not even the Lord Himself.

But the reward of that fellowship with Him is so worth it!

So the Bible study tonight brought a lot of questions for me. I realized I've been doing everything to be as comfortable as possible so that I live with the minimal amount of faith. And in everything I wanted and focused on, not any of it involved my church, my friends, or the people that need me. I told God I wanted Him to be a greater desire and I wanted to know what was in His heart, and He's had to make some drastic changes in my life in order to open my eyes. I guess I can blog more through out the week as I better formulate these thoughts.

And also, I'm just sharing out loud what's going on in my heart. If it encourages you, great! But I don't want you to ever feel that it was written to condemn you. Because it wasn't. This is NOT me turning my nose up at other people who may be "less spiritual" than I. It's actually a public confession of my faith so that I'm held accountable; so that my walk may match my talk! I process things better when I write, and I have more consistent of a behavior when others know what I intend to do or how I intend to live.

True Story

Everything I have ever believed about faith, love, politics, etc... was flipped when I came across these people. I wanted to swallow every opinion I ever shared about immigration policies, "illegals", slavery in the US., and domestic abuse.

I challenge you to take the time to read through this real-life, happening NOW story.

I adapted A LOT to take out personal identifying information so all the names and dates you see are bogus (except for the year). So you can't "people-find" these people. But do not for one second think that any of this is fiction - because it's not! Then you can tell me what you think.

And feel free to offer prayer to this family now, because though you may not know who they are, God does...

Mrs. Susy Smith was born in the Philippines. Her father is deceased and her mother remains on the family rice farm with one of her brothers. This individual has Down’s syndrome and needs 24-hour care by the mother. She and her siblings were passed around among the homes of relatives, given their large number and the difficulty the family had in feeding all of the children. She was raised much of the time by her very conservative grandmother, with some time spent in the home of an aunt. When the fields would flood or a drought would occur, the family was particularly pressed to feed and clothe the children.

She attended the local school to the age of 16. However, as this did not prepare her for a vocation, her family was able to send her to College. She completed a one-year secretarial course and graduated with a clerical certificate. Given the size of her family of origin, she had to support herself and moved, finding a job as a sales clerk and living in her aunt’s house in that city. She held that job until the age of 35, when she came to the United States, having met Joe Johnson three years prior. This individual is a citizen of the United States.

Ms. Smith described loving her job. She is from a conservative family and did not date. She had friends at work, but stayed home on her days off. Her one male childhood friend had remained in their small town and married. They had not actually dated, but that had been the closest she had come to having a “boyfriend”, as dating is not a common practice in her culture. Marriages continue to be arranged. Her sister married her only “boyfriend” when she was in her early 20’s. Ms. Smith had felt good about her ability to relieve the family’s burden by being financially independent, though relying on her aunt for housing.

Ms. Smith stated that she had always expected, and hoped to, marry and have a family. At the age of 31, she was aware that her chances of being married were slim, particularly in her culture. However, a friend from the vocational program, Nikky Johnson, also a U.S. citizen, suggested that Ms. Smith meet Nikky’s “ex-husband”. Nikky made it clear to Ms. Smith that she and Joe were divorced and she only wished for her “ex-husband” to have someone special in his life. She described the two of them as “friends” and that she worried about him being alone. She emphasized that Joe was a good person and might be a good match for Susy.

As it was unlikely that Susy would meet anyone without an introduction, she took a chance and agreed to meet Joe Johnson in January of 2002. He and Nikky still shared a house in Manila, along with his brothers, nieces and nephews. Susy did not find this odd, as the practice of sharing housing is common in an economy where housing is at a premium with extended families under the same roof as the norm. She went to their house and sat and talked with Joe for approximately an hour. He also explained that he and Nikky were divorced, but had no hurt feelings between them, remaining friends. At the end of the hour, he told her that he was very attracted to her, adding that he thought he was falling in love with her. She stated that it made her feel good to hear those words, given that she had never heard them before in her 31 years. She asked him why he felt he was falling in love with her and he responded that he loved her “smiling face”. However, she did not want to rush into things, as he seemed to want to do. She asked him to be sure, though trusted that he was telling the truth. She asked for more time and he agreed.

They met for a date the following week, having lunch in a tourist area. They spent the day together. Toward the end of that day, he proposed to her. She told him that she needed time to think, as “marriage is for life”. When asked about considering marriage with someone with whom she was barely acquainted, she stated that, in her culture, it is not uncommon for couples to meet and marry within weeks, with and without matchmaking on the part of the family. She did not ask her family about the idea of marrying, feeling that she had to decide. However, she did ask a friend, who told her, “if he’s sincere, why not?” Once more, she asked him to give her a little time to think about the proposal.

Joe was due to leave for the United States in February of 2002, about two weeks after their day together. He sent her text messages several times a day during those two weeks, asking her to consider marrying him and invited her to his house once more. She told him before he left that she would marry him and asked him to “promise me to be honest and faithful to me”, which he did. She stated that she “was not in love with him like a schoolgirl would be”, but did believe he was sincere and believed that they could build a good life together, have children, and that love would grow. She was aware that he was leaving for the United States and they would marry later, with her eventual move to the United States. She described herself as “nervous, happy” at the prospect of eventually leaving her home and moving to a different country.

Joe left for the United States, along with Nikky, who was also returning to Alaska to work in the fisheries. Susy was aware that he would be traveling back and forth between the U.S. and the Philippines, returning between work seasons. He told her that she would also be able to obtain work in the fish cannery.

For the next three years, Joe remained in Alaska, working in the canneries and sending her text messages, letters and calling her regularly, assuring her that all would work out and he would earn the money to bring her over. When he stated that he had been able to do that, he filed for a fiancé petition and she came to the United States. They had been engaged for three years at that time. What she did not know, until recently, was that Joe and Nikky did not file for divorce until 2004, after he had been engaged to Susy for almost two years.

Joe sent Susy a one-way ticket. She arrived without money of her own, as she had nothing to spare. She described her feelings as “excited and nervous”. She was met by both Joe and Nikky. They had a friend, Linda, who lived in Seattle, and provided transportation to and from the airport and all three of them stayed at this individual’s house that first night. Susy was given a bedroom of her own. However, she described Joe coming to her room that evening and attempting to have sex with her. She kept telling him to leave her alone, but he continued to press himself on her, removing her clothes and his own. It was dark and she could not see his face, but she continued to struggle and tell him that she could not have sex with someone prior to marriage. She said that she wanted to “shout, scream”, but was aware of being a stranger in someone else’s house. He lied to her, telling that she would be undergoing a physical examination the next day by the “authorities” and that they would be very suspicious of her were they to find that she was still a virgin. She questioned this and continued to fight him off. She said that he very nearly did rape her, but finally stopped and left. She continued to cry and shake after he left, trying to think how she might get away. However, he had provided her with a one-way ticket and she had no money of her own to buy a return ticket, and knew that she did not have the option to leave and had no one to ask for help.

The following morning, Joe apologized, telling her that he was so in love with her and had missed her so badly, that he had lost control of his emotions. Susy did not ask him about the supposed exam, as Nikky was present when he apologized to her. He told her that Reno would be a beautiful place for them to marry, a nice place to visit. They shared one hotel room in Reno, reportedly due to short funds. There were two beds in the room, and Joe offered to sleep on the floor while she and Nikky took the beds. She said that Nikky offered to have him share her bed and put up a barrier or pillows between them to assure everyone would be comfortable with the arrangement. She and Joe married the next day. She stated that she remembers questioning the idea of marrying him as they waited in the chapel, wondering if he really loved her. She said he had promised to never try to force himself on her again and assured her that he did. After the service, the three of them took a flight that same day to Alaska. She said that she had expected to stay in Reno and spend time with Joe, but did not question his plans to return to Alaska so quickly.

Upon arrival in Alaska, they went to Joe’s home, an average sized trailer with temporary dividers that created extra bedrooms for extended family who also worked at the fisheries, three of Joe’s brothers and one sister-in-law. She stated that it is not an uncommon practice for Filipino families to travel the Alaska to work the fisheries, sharing housing to save money. What was startling to her was to discover that Joe and Nikky shared a bedroom in the trailer and that she was given a small petitioned room and introduced to his family members as a “cousin”. She described sitting in her small room, asking him why they were not sharing a room together as husband and wife, and why he was sharing with Nikky, from whom was divorced. She said that they talked to her a bit, but did not relent and she continued to cry through the night. However, there was no privacy, with mere petitions to block the view, but not sound, and she did not dare to allow her crying to be heard by others. She was warned by both of them not to tell the relatives, or anyone, of the marriage. She decided that night to find a way to return to the Philippines. Within the next two days, they took her passport from her “for safe keeping” and would not return it. When she asked for its return, Joe and Nikky told her that she would have to earn her way back to the Philippines and made it clear that they would not help her with that.

From this point onward, what Susy described was being enslaved by Joe and Nikky, deprived of her earnings, passport, freedom, and the permission to make friends, talk to anyone without being interrogated, use the telephone, or contact her family, isolated within her own small home, and threatened with police and prison for being in the United States illegally. Her husband did have her sign paperwork to obtain a green card, but then refused to allow her to go to the needed interview, to “protect” her from “imprisonment”. She begged Joe to let her go home, but he found her a job and made her go to work instead, “to earn her way”.

She began working after having spent the two weeks prior, holed up in her room in the trailer, crying. They censored her mail, opening and reading it before she was allowed to see it. They kept the phone in their room, with a recorder that would allow them to know if she used the phone and who she called and what she said. She was not allowed to obtain a post office box. Joe opened a joint bank account, saying that immigration law required that they share the account. She was not given access to this account. She was not allowed to wear a wedding ring. She described those two weeks as horrible. She slept very little, taking short naps. She had frequent bad dreams. She found herself, when awake, to be trembling, distracted, “mind empty”, numb, afraid, frightened. She didn’t dare go out on her own, as Joe and Nikky had told her that immigration authorities walked the streets and she would be stopped and asked for identification.

She stated that Joe kept possession of her passport, bringing it to the office when he signed her up for work, but refusing to give the passport to her. She welcomed beginning to work, as it kept her occupied during the long days. She stated that she would volunteer for extra work, doing cleanup after her shift, to keep from going home sooner than she had to. When she worked beyond her shift, she was interrogated by Joe and Nikky as to what she was doing, who she had talked to, where she had been and she had to continuously convince them that she had simply worked over. During their shared shift hours, they watched her, questioning if she talked to anyone about the content and her intentions in having conversations with others. Her current husband described noticing this harassment and stated that it was clear to other workers, but Susy did not dare complain. The work was cold, the fish heavy to lift. She said that she lost her appetite, but made herself eat, as she wanted to “stay strong” in order to work and earn a ticket back to the Philippines.

After a couple of months, the three of them moved over to a different job for the chance to work longer hours and make more money. This time, Nikky accompanied her to sign her up for work, bringing Susy’s passport and refusing to allow her to handle it. Susy stated that she was earning minimum wage, $7.15 per hour. The hours varied by the availability of the catch. She stated that she earned between $300 and $500 dollars every two weeks, depending upon how much overtime she could manage to obtain. She was told by Joe and Nikky that she must give them half of her wages, earnings she never saw anyway, as it was directly deposited into the joint account, which she could not access. She initially thought they were saving this money for a one-way ticket for her return home. Between late April and June, she estimated that they had taken over $4,000 for this ticket and, as she believed it should cost between $1,000 and $2,000, she asked them in June when she would get the ticket. At that point, they informed her that she was “repaying” them for expenses to bring her to the United States, the cost of the hotel in Reno and the train and bus travel. They gave her an itemized list, which included things such as Xerox fees and the cost of a lip gloss that Nikky had offered to Susy at some point during the prior few weeks. They also explained that this money was to cover her expenses within the household as she had to “pull her weight”. In addition to this unexpected “bill”, she was informed by Joe that she owed them an additional total of $30,000 for “bringing you to the United States”. He did not offer an explanation of this sum. She continued to ask about a ticket and was told that she would not be given her passport until she paid them in full. She was aware of being inextricably trapped and dependent. She continued to cry nightly, attempting to stifle her sounds from others in the trailer, with frequent nightmares. She made an effort not to cry at work, plunging herself into whatever jobs she was given and asked for. When she was not able to distract herself with work, she experienced panic symptoms. She would try to move around to shake these sensations, opening a window or stepping outside. This was a daily experience, several times a day during the period of time following her realization that she had been imprisoned by Joe and Nikky and had not power to extricate herself that she was aware of.

Joe unexpectedly returned to the Philippines in October of 2005, without warning to Susy. He did not inform her as to when he would be returning. Nikky returned to the Philippines in January of 2006, also without warning. During their absence, in January, 2006, one of his brothers gave her a piece of mail in her name which indicated that there was an immigration hearing scheduled for February, 2006. As neither of them had been there to censure her mail, she accidentally learned of this hearing. However, Joe discovered that she knew of the hearing and sent word that it was cancelled and she should continue to work toward earning her ticket home. She was working seven days a week and welcomed the distraction. Her panic attacks were a common occurrence, and she was no longer surprised by the physical sensations of racing heart beat, a sense of “choking”, trying to catch her breath, sweating and muscle tension, chest discomfort, nausea and vomiting. She continued to have no appetite and poor sleep, but told herself she had to keep eating so that she could work and get home.

Surprisingly, Joe told Susy, upon his return from the Philippines in the spring of 2006, that he wanted to divorce her and “find someone better”. However, she still did not have her passport and she still did not have access to her earnings. They continued to take half of her salary off the top to “repay” them, while she felt she had a good chance that Joe would now buy a ticket to send her back home, given that they were no longer married. However, they continued to put her off, claiming that she had to repay them. She was actually in greater fear of being arrested, now that the divorce was finalized, as the authorities would surely arrest her, given that she had no legal status in the United States. Nothing had changed with the divorce. It had only served to heighten the threats that she would be imprisoned.

After the divorce, work continued to be anything but a haven. Upon Joe and Nikky’s return, they continued to harass her at work. They would pull her off the line to question her when they noticed that she had spoken to a co-worker. She did not dare have lunch with anyone, or carry on a full conversation, as each contact brought interrogation. Speaking with other Filipinos was particularly forbidden. Nikky played the major role in monitoring her at work and eventually the harassment finally came to the attention of a supervisor in July of 2006. Susy was called to her office and she finally broke down and told the supervisor about her entrapment, that Joe and Nikky held her passport, and about the threats and harassment. This supervisor directed Joe and Nikky to bring Susy her passport, and they did leave at lunch and return with it, by report. However, they had removed her K-1 admission card that had been stapled into the passport upon her arrival into the United States.

Her status did not change at home, despite the discovery of the entrapment and theft of her earnings. However, her plight began to be discussed among other employees, including her current husband, Bob Smith. This individual described having first noticed Susy during the summer of 2005. He had known her as the cousin of Joe and Nikky, as that was the cover story she was forced to give. He had observed her as someone who worked hard, took on extra work, and was conscientious. He stated that she was given overtime that others wanted, due to her work ethic. This brought on more jealousy and harassment on the part of Joe and Nikky, as Susy was given extra work that they wanted for themselves. She was respected by management and has been asked to be a team leader, but she could not accept that, as Joe and Nikky would not have allowed it.

Bob is a welder, so they did not work side by side. However, he said that he would always say “hi” to Susy and thought of her as very shy. He also noticed Joe and Nikky pulling her off the line, talking to her, and wondered about that. He began to weld her small gifts, believing that she was single, unattached. However, she could not respond, as that would have brought further harassment by Joe and Nikky.

After the Human Resource manager questioned Susy and discovered that she was being used by Joe and Nikky, the employees began to talk among themselves and he discovered the situation in which she had been held for over a year. She had broken down and spoke to a few co-workers in her native language about what she had been through and he also heard that information. The day that Joe and Nikky were forced to return her passport, though minus the admission card, they threatened her with calling the police to have her arrested. Bob told her to let them call the police, as they had no right to keep her imprisoned. He began to talk to her, offering his support, letting her know that he was there to help her. However, by that point, she said that she wanted to leave as soon as possible, and had no interest in another man. She did like him, however, and appreciated his help and kindness. He offered to follow her to the Philippines and marry her there if that is what she wished, but she continued to focus on simply leaving as soon as she could get a ticket.

Susy stated that she had hit bottom and asked God for a sign; a white flower. The day prior to the return of her passport, Bob sent her a dozen red roses at work. Despite the fact that her enslavement came to light in early July, Susy had to continue to return to Joe and Nikky’s trailer at night for a place to stay. She continued to cry, unable to sleep, forcing herself to eat, as she was still as stuck as she had been, as the disclosure had brought no practical relief. When she took the flowers home, she covered them with a black plastic bag to hide them from Joe and Nikky, but as she had no privacy, they quickly discovered these. She was again accosted by these two, interrogated about her “boyfriend” and her “deception”. They harassed her for much of that night, until 2:00 or 3:00 that next morning, while she denied having a boyfriend. She stated that she noticed that she had a fever and felt cold and sick. She was then accused of “acting sick”. At work, a friend gave her a jacket, due to her chills. Nikky followed her around the plan that day, questioning her, including following her outside on breaks. She did not sleep the following night either. She lay in a panic, nauseous, trembling, short of breath, unable to calm her heart beat, sweating, afraid.

Susy stated she simply couldn’t take any further abuse. She made the move to risk asking a co-worker for help, an acquaintance. She did not know if this individual would help her or if she was risking arrest and imprisonment, but made the choice to try. This woman accompanied her to the trailer after work and helped her gather her few belongings, while Joe and Nikky yelled at her and again threatened her with the “authorities”. Her co-worker and her husband then took Susy into her home. Bob visited her there and convinced her that he wanted to marry her and take care of her. He stated that he was aware of the language and culture barrier. He urged her that he was sincere and she deserved decent treatment. He respected how she had carried herself, her reputation among the other workers, her kindness and smile. She said that she had prayed for someone to love her. She agreed and remained in that home until their marriage, obtained an apartment, invited guests and friends and had a reception at a restaurant. She became pregnant four months later.

When the planned wedding was announced, Joe and Nikky continuously approached her at work, telling her she was “too old”, would never have a child, that she was “stupid”, and that the “marriage won’t work”. They continued to harass her after the marriage, telling her that she would be discovered by the authorities, and if she had a baby, that it would be taken from her. They began to send letters to her job, accusing her of being illegal and urging the company to investigate her. The company has ignored them.

Given that her paperwork has expired, and she is unable to work, Susy has spent her time volunteering, as she continues to experience panic when she is at rest. The same symptoms return when she is harassed by Joe and Nikky, as this has continued. She volunteers at Salvation Army. Joe and Nikky reportedly called that thrift store in an attempt to get her “fired”, but as she is a volunteer only, they were not successful.

Susy was fearful throughout her pregnancy and worried about losing the baby. She was told by her doctor that there was a possibility that her baby would be born with Downs’ Syndrome, given her age at the time and the fact that this was her first pregnancy. Given that her brother has Down’s Syndrome, she was aware of what that could mean. However, she said that she believed that she was healthy enough, if she was left alone to focus on her pregnancy. Bob reported that she would be tearful, panicked and frightened with each instance of harassment by Joe and Nikky, and he would try to calm her down. Bob stated that he was concerned enough about her mental and physical health, in reaction to the harassment, that he confronted the two of them at work, for which he was reprimanded. He was escorted out of the plant. However, the major harassment slowed after that, as Joe and Nikky stood to lose their own jobs, by report.

Her baby was born August, 2007. Bob stated that he tried to file paperwork after it was discovered that Joe had allowed her paperwork to expire. He borrowed money and hired a California attorney to look into the matter for them. Some months later, they were handed an immigration letter by Joe’s brother, a piece of mail that had arrived in Susy’s name and which he passed on, since Joe was not in the home at the time. A special agent called her in January of 2008 and she experienced another panic attack, trying to hear what the agent was asking her and answering the questions. She described being “confused”, “shaking and trembling”, “heart pounding”, “sweating”, “trying to catch my breath”. She asked the agent to call back after her husband was home. After the call, she continued to feel these sensations and was fearful until Bob arrived home.

The agent asked Susy if she had overstayed her visa and she said that she had, but that the lawyer was handling the case for them. Per Bob, that agent stated that she wanted to consult with her own supervisor, given the extreme, and possibly, criminal behavior on the part of Joe and Nikky. When they contacted their attorney, he reportedly told them that he would need $43,000 before he would be able to come to Alaska to attend their court date. Bob and Susy could not afford that and attended the Anchorage hearing on their own.

Susy stated that she sat at a table, by herself, and was questioned via teleconference at the hearing without an attorney. She described feeling the same panic symptoms coming on, but worked to fight them off. She said that she felt “nervous” and noticed, again, that her heart was pounding, she felt dizzy, and her breathing was stilted. She was repeatedly told to “speak up”. Apparently there was an interpreter present who became annoyed with her inability to respond and who “yelled” at her until the Judge told him to stop. She was asked at the hearing if she had overstayed her visa and suggested she obtain a lawyer. The hearing was delayed to 2010. When they returned to their hotel room, she began crying, felt scared, tense, with tremors, palms sweating and laid down with a headache. The couple contacted another attorney to represent them, again borrowing money for this second attorney. They were told to show up for the March hearing or she would risk deportation. They did not know what the hearing would involve.

Susy stated that she has been “trying to keep my feelings hidden”, as she worries about her husband, herself and the impact upon her daughter. Her sleep is poor and appetite is decreased. She prays for a good outcome.

Whirlwind of Venting!!

Ok here it goes. I'm upset. I'm actually crushed. Things seem to be.. sabotaged? At my church. It's hard for me to put the words together in a tactful way. My first instinct is to go "what the heck is going on here? What's wrong w/ you people!? Are you really that retarded!!?" But see, I can't do that, cuz that's not tactful. So I won't start this blog there.

I think if I take a look back, I can say that some people are just clueless. And I know that others are self-centered and manipulative, wanting everything to go their way - refusing to be flexible, to have a "team-player" spirit, to be cooperative and supportive. They are only all about what's right before their two eyes and how it makes them feel!

And I can get past that, and pity these people, and move forward... Because it's ultimately not going to affect how good God is and what He has for me. So I can let it go if I'm a little selfish too. And most sensible, mature people overcome having to intersect lives with the kind of people from the paragraph above, and do just fine, right?

WRONG!

Because there's always a third person... A third force, so to speak. You see, there's the hand of God coordinating things for our good, and our blessing... And then, there's the hand of God backing away, allowing someone else's hand to interfere - because God wants to strengthen us, because He has faith in us (check THAT out!), or because He gave us free will to choose who will ultimately lead us. Either way, if it isn't God, it's Satan... Or Satan's minions... The third essence to every interaction.

You may think I'm crazy (I'M starting to feel like I'm crazy!) but it's true - it has to be. Haven't you ever felt like you were being sabotaged? Your friendships, your relationships... You have to have been there. You have this great relationship with your mom, and then *puuff* something happens that you cannot understand. It's like you are talking with each other but not communicating... These unexplainable misunderstandings that make you want to pull your hairs out. Yeah I KNOW I'm not the only that has had those moments, and then we're like, "Why? This is so stupid. Why is this going on?" Or things are going great between you and your significant other and then an argument blows up where you feel like there's no way HE HAS HEARD A WORD YOU SAY but at the end of the day you realize that was the dumbest misunderstanding to have ever been bothered with. Or like things are going AWESOME at your church and then a pastor's relative (cuz it ALWAYS has to do with the pastoral family) says/does something and someone else picks up on 1/4 of that and makes up the rest, leading to a huge distortion that gets spread around and next thing you know it's blown completely out of proportion!

See what I mean? SABOTAGE!

And the problem is not you or me, but everyone else that gets hit in that ripple effect. How many people have stopped following the Lord, turned away, and practically RUINED their lives because they saw this CRAP happen and said, "I don't want any part of this?" Mean while you live through it (although barely, at times). And the village idiot who caused the crap is just fine too, gloating in their accomplishment. But for every ONE village idiot there are 5 more who don't have that solid of a walk with God, who are kind of on the skeptic side, just "tasting to see that the Lord are good". And those 5 fall away. They get turned off from Christ because the people that represent Him are acting like MORONS and they are left wanting.

And the excuse is, "Oh, well, they are supposed to know the difference! If they really knew
God then they would be ok!" but now more than ever I'm convinced that it is a pitiful excuse to be cruel and push people away. It's a balm against the searing pain of a guilty conscience.