I was reading the Bible today after many weeks of not even touching it. I don't know how or why it happens but I was so busy with one thing or another that eventually, even when I had the time to I wouldn't think of it; I'd try to keep myself entertained or busy instead.
I open to my daily reading and its 2nd Chronicles chapters 22-25. And in the devotional for the daily reading it points out that the saddest thing about King Josiah's time is that the Word of God has been missing for years but nobody really missed it.
Well God always has a way of letting things strike me when I'm dense... and I'm pretty dense!
I read on to see this young boy take over his father's reign in Judah. His dad, Manasseh, was the most wicked king in all of Jewish history. His 55 years of terror brought Judah to a point from which they could not be recovered spiritually or physically. In the last chapter of Manasseh's life, he finally repents - when he's broken, captive, and useless. It was too late for the kingdom.
But it wasn't too late for Josiah!
Josiah becomes king at 8 years old and doesn't seem to do much to run the kingdom until he is 18 or so. He starts getting involved in rebuilding the Temple of the Lord, and this project seems to pop up as one of the first things he does as king. As he invests in the Temple's repair, they find the Scriptures, otherwise known as "The Book of the Law". Basically all of Jewish history up until his kingdom. Everything God has ever spoken to His people. All of God's instructions thus far. All of God's warning.
The guy who finds it doesn't even know what it is! He takes it to the king and says, "Yeah we gave the money to the construction overseers and they are taking care of the temple and getting the wood and carpenters and mason work, etc... oh and by the way, we found this scroll."
But when Josiah reads it, not only does he recognize it but his heart breaks. He realizes that he hasn't done a blessed thing God has instructed. More over, the nation hasn't done a blessed thing God instructed since as far back as he had knowledge of! Somewhere there it says that they had not celebrated the Passover (the big celebration God instructed the Hebrews to do in memory of their exodus out of Egypt and their freedom from slavery) since the times of King Solomon! How much time was that? Well, King Solomon was like the 3rd king in Israel... Josiah was the 3rd-to-last king in Judah before the Babylonians wiped everything clean and stripped them all away to captivity.
Josiah prays and repents, and sends the priests to ask God if all the judgment they deserve was coming upon Judah. God responds with a "Yes, but because you have turned to me with all your heart, it will not happen while you are alive to see it." The judgment of exile was inevitable; hundreds of years had already turned the gears in motion, the Babylonians growing stronger and practically at the door. Multiple sieges had already happened. But in God's mercy, He listened to Josiah's heart, and gave Josiah a second chance.
Josiah went to work with his second chance too. He wasn't satisfied with, "Oh, I'll be ok. Nevermind then." It seems he still tried to turn the nation right side up again, even though it didn't outlive him. He tore up the asherah poles, destroyed the molech altar, cleaned up the temple, instituted the Passover again... Spent the rest of his life trying to clean up hundreds of years of idolatry until he was killed in battle by the Egyptian Pharaoh.
Then the book ends with siege after siege until finally the Babylonians take everything, burn the temple to the ground, destroy the wall of Jerusalem, and leave it like a ghost town.
I want to have a change of heart like Josiah. I don't want to be ok with the Word being missing from my life. I realized how thin and gray the line between a relationship with God and a religion goes, how suddenly I found my self on the side of a dead religion!
Man, how good it felt to pray, and count my blessings, and truly tell God how sorry I was. I had built up little shrines of idolatry based on selfishness, busyness, worry, and distraction. But God in His mercy didn't just let me go. He had been working in my heart answering prayer, showing me a light at the end of this particular tunnel I was going through. He was still my Shepherd, calling me as I was straying further and further away. I still don't know why today was different than the past couple of weeks and I just decided to pick up my Bible and read it. I am thankful that, unlike Josiah, there isn't an irrevocable wave of destruction headed towards me and my children. There isn't centuries of idolatry and immorality to undo.
I asked Jesus to protect my children from the effects that these past 2 weeks might've had on them; that their hearts wouldn't be hardened, that they would still be open and eager to come to know Him, and that I didn't in any way hurt them (by omission or commission). I asked him for help in healing Caleb, remembering the scripture in Mark where the man with leprosy approached Jesus and said, "If you are willing, you can make me clean!" The Bible says that Jesus was full of compassion and said, "I am willing..." I know He has compassion for us, and for Caleb, and is willing to touch His little body. But most of all, I asked Him to turn my heart back to Him. It isn't something that I can do, or that church can do. But He can draw me in to a relationship that my heart will follow.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
An Open Letter
I think one of the biggest harm to the Christian cause is duplicity.
Personally, I can't STAND it. It irks me to no end in any way shape or form. I don't tolerate duplicity or excuse it. Some people justify it by implying that your church life, your home life, and your work life are separate. I disagree! Who you are and how you treat people should be the same all the time.
I know how painful it is to children when their parents act one way with them in public and a completely different way in private. And I've seen it happen to both ends; the parents that are affectionate at home but distant at church, and the parents that are affectionate in the grocery store but cold at home. I decided I don't want to put my kids through that.
It goes further than how you act. A lot of people get uncomfortable with how you FEEL. It seems that, specially if you are a "Christian", expressing anger, frustration, or hopelessness is inappropriate. No one would deny that you can experience these emotions regardless of where you are in your faith, yet demonstrating these emotions to the "public" seems to be an act of faithlessness in and of itself!
I don't like stuffing how I feel. Those emotions bind to you so hard when you keep it inside... and they grow like weeds. I'm struggling with unforgiveness from my childhood due mainly to the fact that during these times I couldn't express my anger and my frustration then! And it plagues me now. Oh how I would've loved to just let it out, have dealt with it then, and moved on!
So now I don't want to keep locking in more stuff.... I've enjoyed just venting on my blogs and on facebook in a sort of uncensored manner.
I've been angry lately. I despair a lot. Worry gives me insomnia, insomnia makes me cranky during the day, crankiness makes me angry at everything that goes wrong. It's a vicious cycle that I have no power to break on my own. Not that it justifies me being rude or mean at home or at work - because it doesn't; I still owe everyone the same kindness, gentleness, and love as if I felt great and happy. But it's a rut I'm learning to crawl out of and I think it's only fair that everyone be warned.
I express my emotions to my kids. They may be too young to understand the whys or hows, but they definitely get, "Mommy is sad right now". Or "Mommy is mad". Sometimes they try to fix it. Most times they give me hugs (and apologies if required). I always try to tell them why I'm upset/sad, or at least that it isn't their fault and they didn't do anything for me to behave this way. And the odd thing is, this helps so much! Because they help me more, and I'm not taking it out on them. Even saying it out loud: "Mommy is having a bad day. It's not your fault, I just need a few minutes." I audibly remind myself not to be snappy at them or easily agitated... "It's not your fault..." I remember the source of my crankiness and I can separate myself from it and just be "Mom" to the kids. I want them to always know they can express what they feel - and that they won't be penalized for their feelings, only held accountable for their actions.
I never was one to keep secrets in the first place. I don't even enjoy friendships loaded with secrecy, I'd rather be on my own! That goes for myself too.
But the truth is that there is a testimony to the rest of the world in being an open letter. Because if in my despair, in my lack of faith, I suddenly find myself encouraged, the world can see and know that it wasn't due to any of my virtues but only because of my God. He is glorified when it's obvious and apparent that He is the Source, and not anything I can find or accomplish. And the reality is that it isn't "Maria is optimistic" but rather, "Maria has hope thanks to Christ." It's not "Maria is cheerful" but rather, "The joy of the Lord is Maria's strength". It's never been "Maria can handle it", but always "Maria can do all things only through Christ who gives her strength"...
People may disagree, but I'm finding that in my weakness, in my ugliest, and in my worst, the Cross has never been more desirable! How appealing redemption has become for me! How much more I appreciate Jesus taking my place on the cross, giving me a right standing with God that I don't deserve or can ever achieve on my own. Oh how I depend on His fellowship, His grace, and His mercy for healing while I walk through this valley! How much freedom I am experiencing as I open myself up and find that He loves me as I am now - and not based on what I'm supposed to be!
Personally, I can't STAND it. It irks me to no end in any way shape or form. I don't tolerate duplicity or excuse it. Some people justify it by implying that your church life, your home life, and your work life are separate. I disagree! Who you are and how you treat people should be the same all the time.
I know how painful it is to children when their parents act one way with them in public and a completely different way in private. And I've seen it happen to both ends; the parents that are affectionate at home but distant at church, and the parents that are affectionate in the grocery store but cold at home. I decided I don't want to put my kids through that.
It goes further than how you act. A lot of people get uncomfortable with how you FEEL. It seems that, specially if you are a "Christian", expressing anger, frustration, or hopelessness is inappropriate. No one would deny that you can experience these emotions regardless of where you are in your faith, yet demonstrating these emotions to the "public" seems to be an act of faithlessness in and of itself!
I don't like stuffing how I feel. Those emotions bind to you so hard when you keep it inside... and they grow like weeds. I'm struggling with unforgiveness from my childhood due mainly to the fact that during these times I couldn't express my anger and my frustration then! And it plagues me now. Oh how I would've loved to just let it out, have dealt with it then, and moved on!
So now I don't want to keep locking in more stuff.... I've enjoyed just venting on my blogs and on facebook in a sort of uncensored manner.
I've been angry lately. I despair a lot. Worry gives me insomnia, insomnia makes me cranky during the day, crankiness makes me angry at everything that goes wrong. It's a vicious cycle that I have no power to break on my own. Not that it justifies me being rude or mean at home or at work - because it doesn't; I still owe everyone the same kindness, gentleness, and love as if I felt great and happy. But it's a rut I'm learning to crawl out of and I think it's only fair that everyone be warned.
I express my emotions to my kids. They may be too young to understand the whys or hows, but they definitely get, "Mommy is sad right now". Or "Mommy is mad". Sometimes they try to fix it. Most times they give me hugs (and apologies if required). I always try to tell them why I'm upset/sad, or at least that it isn't their fault and they didn't do anything for me to behave this way. And the odd thing is, this helps so much! Because they help me more, and I'm not taking it out on them. Even saying it out loud: "Mommy is having a bad day. It's not your fault, I just need a few minutes." I audibly remind myself not to be snappy at them or easily agitated... "It's not your fault..." I remember the source of my crankiness and I can separate myself from it and just be "Mom" to the kids. I want them to always know they can express what they feel - and that they won't be penalized for their feelings, only held accountable for their actions.
I never was one to keep secrets in the first place. I don't even enjoy friendships loaded with secrecy, I'd rather be on my own! That goes for myself too.
But the truth is that there is a testimony to the rest of the world in being an open letter. Because if in my despair, in my lack of faith, I suddenly find myself encouraged, the world can see and know that it wasn't due to any of my virtues but only because of my God. He is glorified when it's obvious and apparent that He is the Source, and not anything I can find or accomplish. And the reality is that it isn't "Maria is optimistic" but rather, "Maria has hope thanks to Christ." It's not "Maria is cheerful" but rather, "The joy of the Lord is Maria's strength". It's never been "Maria can handle it", but always "Maria can do all things only through Christ who gives her strength"...
People may disagree, but I'm finding that in my weakness, in my ugliest, and in my worst, the Cross has never been more desirable! How appealing redemption has become for me! How much more I appreciate Jesus taking my place on the cross, giving me a right standing with God that I don't deserve or can ever achieve on my own. Oh how I depend on His fellowship, His grace, and His mercy for healing while I walk through this valley! How much freedom I am experiencing as I open myself up and find that He loves me as I am now - and not based on what I'm supposed to be!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Life... I'm not really living...
I feel burnt out and weak. It probably has something to do with the fact that we are broke and have no food-stamps right now so we are eating WIC products and ramen noodles and that's pretty much it (unless friends bring food or order pizza). I haven't had any red meat in about 2 weeks. I feel the weakness I consistently experience when I'm anemic. Thank God my Mom sent me Harina Pan because we've been having arepas a LOT lately.
And it's just that we are in re-certification... for everything...
We got the day care settled. The kids are in school full-time and our payment is only $28 a month. Or at least, it would be - except our current day care charges $5 more per day so we're actually paying $103 a month per their math. but compared to $217 for only 9 days a month, we are not complaining.
And this month drained me completely. Just as I'm starting to work my tail bone off and kind of make money at my job everything starts going downhill. I just can't keep doing this anymore.
So I'm looking, dropping off resumes, going to interviews. Waiting and seeing what God may have for me. I am willing to do an excellent job wherever He places me. I trust Him! I'm not worried because I know God will open the right door at the right time. He takes care of our needs. He knows what I need better than I do!
Which means I'll have to go through the food-stamps/daycare paperwork one more time, probably beginning of May. I'll have to change the kid's day care again because I may not need to drive that far south anymore. I have to notify them of the job change and the new income and let them determine all over again what we are going to get. And I'm alright with doing all of it ONE more time.
It's all worth it for Paul to go to school. He's going to school full-time, he's getting good grades. He's enjoying it, seeing himself in a new career field, and I know that once he graduates he'll get good job. The sky's the limit for him! He can then go on to nursing, or even becoming a doctor. It may take a few years of studying, then paying off the student loan, then taking a few more classes with the money we save up... It'll be worth it. We just have to make it until then!
I just need God to hold me up until then. I'm ready to sleep for the next 4 weeks and just wake up when it's all over. I need so much grace, mercy, forgiveness.... I'm such a short fuse with the kids, I always have a migraine, I can't tolerate them just being kids. I don't have any energy. I barely have an appetite. I'm a zombie. Just going from one to-do thing to the next... jumping from one hoop to the next. Paying a little bit of one bill, then another. Functional just enough until I can finally but my head to the pillow and sleep... and then start over again!
Pepper's company is really a blessing to me. She's like my comfort blankie. Everyone has something that helps them to feel a bit better than their circumstances are. To some people it's a night at a bar, or a specific food. It's the reason why a lot of women have hobbies. Well I can't crochet and I don't bead but I enjoy dogs. I like walking, cuddling, training. Pepper helps me change my countenance and reminds me that being home can be fun.
The kids are adorable, too. They are growing so fast and they do so much already! I'm just amazed at how we blink and they hit milestone after milestone... how much Anakin and Brielle talk! How much Caleb does on his own! I wish I didn't see them so much as "work" when I'm home (diapers, laundry, baths, dinner, bedtime) and just enjoyed their company. I'm praying that the sound of their laughter doesn't pierce through my skull and make me want to beat my head into the wall. They are so special, just the way they are. I can't be the Mom they deserve out of my own strength. I am dragging myself on God's love and His peace.
And it's just that we are in re-certification... for everything...
We got the day care settled. The kids are in school full-time and our payment is only $28 a month. Or at least, it would be - except our current day care charges $5 more per day so we're actually paying $103 a month per their math. but compared to $217 for only 9 days a month, we are not complaining.
And this month drained me completely. Just as I'm starting to work my tail bone off and kind of make money at my job everything starts going downhill. I just can't keep doing this anymore.
So I'm looking, dropping off resumes, going to interviews. Waiting and seeing what God may have for me. I am willing to do an excellent job wherever He places me. I trust Him! I'm not worried because I know God will open the right door at the right time. He takes care of our needs. He knows what I need better than I do!
Which means I'll have to go through the food-stamps/daycare paperwork one more time, probably beginning of May. I'll have to change the kid's day care again because I may not need to drive that far south anymore. I have to notify them of the job change and the new income and let them determine all over again what we are going to get. And I'm alright with doing all of it ONE more time.
It's all worth it for Paul to go to school. He's going to school full-time, he's getting good grades. He's enjoying it, seeing himself in a new career field, and I know that once he graduates he'll get good job. The sky's the limit for him! He can then go on to nursing, or even becoming a doctor. It may take a few years of studying, then paying off the student loan, then taking a few more classes with the money we save up... It'll be worth it. We just have to make it until then!
I just need God to hold me up until then. I'm ready to sleep for the next 4 weeks and just wake up when it's all over. I need so much grace, mercy, forgiveness.... I'm such a short fuse with the kids, I always have a migraine, I can't tolerate them just being kids. I don't have any energy. I barely have an appetite. I'm a zombie. Just going from one to-do thing to the next... jumping from one hoop to the next. Paying a little bit of one bill, then another. Functional just enough until I can finally but my head to the pillow and sleep... and then start over again!
Pepper's company is really a blessing to me. She's like my comfort blankie. Everyone has something that helps them to feel a bit better than their circumstances are. To some people it's a night at a bar, or a specific food. It's the reason why a lot of women have hobbies. Well I can't crochet and I don't bead but I enjoy dogs. I like walking, cuddling, training. Pepper helps me change my countenance and reminds me that being home can be fun.
The kids are adorable, too. They are growing so fast and they do so much already! I'm just amazed at how we blink and they hit milestone after milestone... how much Anakin and Brielle talk! How much Caleb does on his own! I wish I didn't see them so much as "work" when I'm home (diapers, laundry, baths, dinner, bedtime) and just enjoyed their company. I'm praying that the sound of their laughter doesn't pierce through my skull and make me want to beat my head into the wall. They are so special, just the way they are. I can't be the Mom they deserve out of my own strength. I am dragging myself on God's love and His peace.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Freedom!
I read a really good daily devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries and I have to say, I was really refreshed by it. I think the heaviness in my heart is lifting (slowly but surely). God is always faithful to show me things I need to know in order to correct my thinking.
I have to say, the birth control pills are helping me, chemically, find some balance and its so refreshing to not feel like so much of a yo-yo based on whether I'm going into a menstrual cycle or coming out of one.
But that is a small, small part of the bigger picture. The big picture is always the condition of your heart. Which is why so many Christian songs are dedicated to opening the eyes of our heart; we need to see things accurately. A lot of times the pain, the frustrations, and the disappointments fog up the mirror of God's mercy and kindness, or they crack it - to where you can't see a clear reflection of His love for you and His pure goodness. You start to wonder if He really is that good... or why He would put you through so much pain.
It's the "Wilderness Mentality". The Israelites were in the wilderness for 40 years. This was of their own consequence - they walked up right where God told them to go and said, "No!" Thus they had to walk around for 40 years in the desert. That was the sting of their discipline. They grumbled A LOT. But in this trip, as you read, God was doing amazing things to take care of them! He was raining food from heaven. Bringing water from rocks. Their shoes never wore out. He protected them from everybody else. But they were too busy thinking, "Oh, it was soooo much nicer in Egypt!" to even thank God for his goodness towards them.
And so you see, even though they were no longer slaves, and they were out of Egypt, they weren't really free. Their mindset wasn't free.
I feel like I am wondering around in the desert, complaining as to how long will I have to go through the same crap over, and over, and over again. And I am asking God if I will ever settle; have our home, our land, and our place in His kingdom. But I HAVE to overcome the wilderness mentality. I am entirely dependent on God to open my eyes and show me that there is more to this desert than just barrenness; there's also a walking relationship with Him! I'm missing out on Him in all my complaining.
I long desperately to be free. Primarily in my heart! Free from depression and discouragement. Free from the guilt and shame and the baggage I'm carrying from all my screw ups and the consequences of them. I can picture the Israelites being looked on by all the other nations like, "Look at those morons! God set them free from Egypt and now they are walking around in circles!" However, I just can't free myself. If I could, there'd be no point to this blog.
So for now I'm just focusing on day by day. No sense looking back, there isn't much to look at anyways. Plus you can't drive forward staring at a rear-view mirror all the time; you're bound to crash. And I'm making a conscious effort not to worry about the future; whether God lets us screw up for another 40 years or helps us to get things straightened out within the next two years is pretty much out of our control anyways. All I can do is try my best for today, to make the best choices I know how to make, TODAY, and then the rest is placed in God's care.
I have to learn to trust God all over again, and I can't do it if I'm focusing on anything else other than Him in the here and the now. He is good, to me, TODAY. I want Him to free me so bad I crave it with all of my heart.
I have to say, the birth control pills are helping me, chemically, find some balance and its so refreshing to not feel like so much of a yo-yo based on whether I'm going into a menstrual cycle or coming out of one.
But that is a small, small part of the bigger picture. The big picture is always the condition of your heart. Which is why so many Christian songs are dedicated to opening the eyes of our heart; we need to see things accurately. A lot of times the pain, the frustrations, and the disappointments fog up the mirror of God's mercy and kindness, or they crack it - to where you can't see a clear reflection of His love for you and His pure goodness. You start to wonder if He really is that good... or why He would put you through so much pain.
It's the "Wilderness Mentality". The Israelites were in the wilderness for 40 years. This was of their own consequence - they walked up right where God told them to go and said, "No!" Thus they had to walk around for 40 years in the desert. That was the sting of their discipline. They grumbled A LOT. But in this trip, as you read, God was doing amazing things to take care of them! He was raining food from heaven. Bringing water from rocks. Their shoes never wore out. He protected them from everybody else. But they were too busy thinking, "Oh, it was soooo much nicer in Egypt!" to even thank God for his goodness towards them.
And so you see, even though they were no longer slaves, and they were out of Egypt, they weren't really free. Their mindset wasn't free.
I feel like I am wondering around in the desert, complaining as to how long will I have to go through the same crap over, and over, and over again. And I am asking God if I will ever settle; have our home, our land, and our place in His kingdom. But I HAVE to overcome the wilderness mentality. I am entirely dependent on God to open my eyes and show me that there is more to this desert than just barrenness; there's also a walking relationship with Him! I'm missing out on Him in all my complaining.
I long desperately to be free. Primarily in my heart! Free from depression and discouragement. Free from the guilt and shame and the baggage I'm carrying from all my screw ups and the consequences of them. I can picture the Israelites being looked on by all the other nations like, "Look at those morons! God set them free from Egypt and now they are walking around in circles!" However, I just can't free myself. If I could, there'd be no point to this blog.
So for now I'm just focusing on day by day. No sense looking back, there isn't much to look at anyways. Plus you can't drive forward staring at a rear-view mirror all the time; you're bound to crash. And I'm making a conscious effort not to worry about the future; whether God lets us screw up for another 40 years or helps us to get things straightened out within the next two years is pretty much out of our control anyways. All I can do is try my best for today, to make the best choices I know how to make, TODAY, and then the rest is placed in God's care.
I have to learn to trust God all over again, and I can't do it if I'm focusing on anything else other than Him in the here and the now. He is good, to me, TODAY. I want Him to free me so bad I crave it with all of my heart.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
A Method to the Madness??
I guess my last blog was dark and pissy... and while I'm not ready to be all social-butterflyish again, I don't think I feel that antagonistic towards friendship and people anymore.
Lots on my mind though...
I find that when I'm struggling with depression, reading good books helps tremendously. I've been prescribed birth control for anti-depressant purposes (since it never worked for actual birth control purposes, LOL) with the goal of balancing my hormones. Specially during the winter, when I get so little natural sunlight, and it seems to throw me in for a loop. But with these kinds of things, medically, it takes about a month for it to really have effect.
So between here and there, all I have is prayer and... redirecting my thought process. I have to get my mind off the negative, and its very hard to think negative thoughts when you are reading a really good book. I learned this from a wise mentor I had once...
So I'm reading, "When I Don't Desire God" by John Piper. I happen to like John Piper, because he's the man who produced the famous quote: "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." Brilliant! Anyhow, in his book, he talks about how there is no real joy in Christianity without a passionate desire for Christ, and without the joy and desire it's no real Christianity. I may have just talked myself into a loop. But his argument is that Christianity based on just doing the dos is not one that glorifies God or draws others to be interested in Christ. I can kind of parallel it to sex (with the author's permission, because he uses this analogy too); the difference in the experience of sex between both the man and the woman when there is a desire for one another and a joy (or pleasure) in one another... versus sex out of obligation, fear, or manipulation.
Wow. That parallel actually helped tremendously! For me anyhow. Paul would feel terrible if I only had sex because I feared the consequence of not doing so, or if I only did it because I was obligated as his wife. I can imagine how Christ feels about our worship, or our "Christian" life if we lived solely in the dos and don'ts in order to avoid hell or simply out of moral duty. And I shall insert a quote here:
"If Christ is followed only because his gifts are great and his threats are terrible, he is not glorified by his followers. A defective lord can offer great gifts and terrible threats. And a person may want the gifts, fear the threats, and follow a lord whom they despise or pity or find boring or embarrasing, in order to have the gifts and avoid the threats. If Christ is to be glorified in his people, their following must be rooted in... His glorious Person...His works are great because He is great."
On the flip-side, Paul would also feel horrible if I needed to use sex to manipulate him to get something else I wanted. He would probably be appalled that I didn't believe he cared enough about me to give me what I wanted or needed regardless of whether or not I had sex with him. I think this is the real challenge; to not try to be a "Christian" just to get your prayers answered. But its so hard! The bigger the need, the more I feel obligated to be on "my best behavior", simply so that by my own screw ups I don't get left behind or neglected. Maybe a little bit of Santa Claus mentality? "He's making a list, checking it twice - gonna find out who's naughty or nice..." It gets quite exhausting!
Well when manipulation doesn't work, I turn to despair and hopelessness. And hope can be so difficult to hold on to; to sincerely believe that better things are on their way and be thankful and excited even though they are not here yet? I am so weary I may as well be dead by the time they arrive and so I consider it useless. But living without hope makes the fight worthless - why wake up in the morning? Why even try? So in being hopeful or hopeless I find myself wavering between the lesser of two difficulties, depending on my mood that morning and on how effective I am at altering the course of my thought process into a better perspective. "As a Man Thinketh..."
Lots on my mind though...
I find that when I'm struggling with depression, reading good books helps tremendously. I've been prescribed birth control for anti-depressant purposes (since it never worked for actual birth control purposes, LOL) with the goal of balancing my hormones. Specially during the winter, when I get so little natural sunlight, and it seems to throw me in for a loop. But with these kinds of things, medically, it takes about a month for it to really have effect.
So between here and there, all I have is prayer and... redirecting my thought process. I have to get my mind off the negative, and its very hard to think negative thoughts when you are reading a really good book. I learned this from a wise mentor I had once...
So I'm reading, "When I Don't Desire God" by John Piper. I happen to like John Piper, because he's the man who produced the famous quote: "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." Brilliant! Anyhow, in his book, he talks about how there is no real joy in Christianity without a passionate desire for Christ, and without the joy and desire it's no real Christianity. I may have just talked myself into a loop. But his argument is that Christianity based on just doing the dos is not one that glorifies God or draws others to be interested in Christ. I can kind of parallel it to sex (with the author's permission, because he uses this analogy too); the difference in the experience of sex between both the man and the woman when there is a desire for one another and a joy (or pleasure) in one another... versus sex out of obligation, fear, or manipulation.
Wow. That parallel actually helped tremendously! For me anyhow. Paul would feel terrible if I only had sex because I feared the consequence of not doing so, or if I only did it because I was obligated as his wife. I can imagine how Christ feels about our worship, or our "Christian" life if we lived solely in the dos and don'ts in order to avoid hell or simply out of moral duty. And I shall insert a quote here:
"If Christ is followed only because his gifts are great and his threats are terrible, he is not glorified by his followers. A defective lord can offer great gifts and terrible threats. And a person may want the gifts, fear the threats, and follow a lord whom they despise or pity or find boring or embarrasing, in order to have the gifts and avoid the threats. If Christ is to be glorified in his people, their following must be rooted in... His glorious Person...His works are great because He is great."
On the flip-side, Paul would also feel horrible if I needed to use sex to manipulate him to get something else I wanted. He would probably be appalled that I didn't believe he cared enough about me to give me what I wanted or needed regardless of whether or not I had sex with him. I think this is the real challenge; to not try to be a "Christian" just to get your prayers answered. But its so hard! The bigger the need, the more I feel obligated to be on "my best behavior", simply so that by my own screw ups I don't get left behind or neglected. Maybe a little bit of Santa Claus mentality? "He's making a list, checking it twice - gonna find out who's naughty or nice..." It gets quite exhausting!
Well when manipulation doesn't work, I turn to despair and hopelessness. And hope can be so difficult to hold on to; to sincerely believe that better things are on their way and be thankful and excited even though they are not here yet? I am so weary I may as well be dead by the time they arrive and so I consider it useless. But living without hope makes the fight worthless - why wake up in the morning? Why even try? So in being hopeful or hopeless I find myself wavering between the lesser of two difficulties, depending on my mood that morning and on how effective I am at altering the course of my thought process into a better perspective. "As a Man Thinketh..."
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Go Away!
I've been very cranky lately. I haven't been able to blog because I couldn't quite put it into words. But I think over the past couple of weeks I was able to talk things out with Paul and it helped me define all these abstract thoughts and feelings I've had for a bit.
They kind of sounded something like this at first: "Piss off."
When I'm in this mood, run away if you can.
I have to be honest, I'm just sick and tired of people. Mankind. And I don't have the patience for anyone's stupidity.
The reason being is probably that I have a lot more on my plate to deal with between my husband and my kids to deal with you. And if I work with you, then you are like... down on the fourth tier of my priorities because I want to have a good working relationship with you since I spend a lot of time with you. And yes, that puts you higher than a lot of other people. But everyone else can just piss off.
So I've been thinking as to what put me this way. If I think of individual friends and loved ones I can see that I do care about them and love them. But here's what it boils down to:
I don't want to hear your drama more than ONCE if you're not going to take my advice. I don't give my advice very generously either, so if you ask me, "What should I do?" then you better be seriously considering it. But don't waste my time just because you want to be drowning in your drama for no good reason:
- Bad relationship? Break up. Tough marriage? Work it out. Good relationship? Get married. If I wanted to be sucked in to a never-ending soppy love story I'd watch the Titanic again. I can only handle other people's romances (fictional or non-fictional) for oh.. 90 minutes per case.
- Finances are tight? You either a) get another job b) go to school and do something to better yourself to get a better job c) stop shopping and start prioritizing.
- Kids are out of control? Spank them. Or put them on time out. Your pick, you're the parent. But if you are letting your children run your home instead of you then don't smirk at my parenting advice. I have 3 kids under 5, do you hear me whining about my kids being out of control? No. Are they perfect? Heck no. But Paul and I are the ones in charge even when it's easier not to be.
It may sound heartless, but I'm just saying... there are people with real difficult situations that are legitimately stuck and standing by faith. Or not standing by faith and struggling. If your drama lasts more than 21 days it's because you've now made it a habit and you want it to be. Grow some balls, tell other people to piss off if need be, and be happy! And then let everybody else be happy too!
I could have compassion if you are a military wife and your husband's on deployment... you may need a shoulder to vent and obviously have matters in your heart that are weighing on you - which will no-duh take longer than 21 days. I'm not completely heartless. Or if your kids have behavioral issues because they have disabilities. Or if your financial situation is something that would take years of hard work to resolve. Geesh I'm not heartless. By all means, whine away! If you've faced a long battle with cancer, or had to take care of a loved one with a terminal illness for years on end... It goes without saying that you are not looking for your drama or perpetuating it by your own decisions.
But otherwise, don't tell me what you are unhappy with unless you are also sharing what you are doing about it. And if you are just going to sit around to be unhappy don't expect me to sit and join you in your pity party.
Here's the other side of this coin:
I don't want to share my business with you. And if I don't, its because I don't believe you are qualified to give me any advice. So I don't want to hear your two cents! If I open up and share with you or whine in public, you can do one of two things: a) say, "that sucks" and nod b) Say, "this is what I did in a similar situation... if its of any help" and leave it alone. I don't want to be converted to your thought process because, like YOU, I'm going to do whatever I feel like doing anyways.
I have found that people love to take you when you are down and find points to criticize you or judge you.... Oh how they are quick to jump on you like you're a freakin' trampoline and tell you all the things you've done wrong (according to them) and basically point out why you deserve your trouble. Or you talk about my husband - which is the perfect thing to do if you want me to shut you out. So don't look surprised if I'm keeping to myself. It may very well be that there is nothing talk-worthy going on in my life to share. Or its simply that my time is precious and I don't think I'll benefit at all from having a conversation with YOU.
Show me the walk behind your talk. Another peeve of mine is people who use cliche faith phrases like, "oh, just wait on the Lord..." Really!? When have YOU ever done anything other than instantly gratify your every fleshy desire? You want to suggest to me that I need to have faith, wait patiently, and be obedient... When there is nothing about your life that would indicate to me you are doing the same? Yeah your words are falling on deaf ears. Specially if when I point out the same to you, you can give me all your excuses for why you're NOT doing things biblically.
There are very, VERY few people I genuinely listen to for advice or encouragement, specially when it comes to spiritual matters. If I'm struggling with belief, I would look or listen to someone who is believing in God for very big things. But if you don't even have the faith to commit and serve your church how can you possibly tell me to believe in a God or trust in a God that you obviously don't? At least, not entirely?
Oh but its so convenient to turn to a psychologist, sex, credit card, or medication to help YOU with your situations... and yet all you have to offer me is to, "have patience?" Not that a psychologist or medication are bad in and of itself, and its good to recommend these if need be. But when you are obviously not the kind of person that has fought any demons (or "personal battles") because you instantly gratify whatever it is that is bugging you, don't just conveniently tell me that I should, "wait and things will get better".
Bigger thing is, don't try to give me marriage advice if you are not married. Don't give me parenting suggestions if you are not a parent. Don't give my financial advice if you are in debt. Don't give me spiritual advice if you are not obedient and faithful under fire. You are not qualified.
With all that being said, there's not a whole lot of people I even want to talk to or hear from. There are even less things I want to talk about with the people that I do want to talk to. I know I'll have a couple of my friends read this and go, "fine! Screw her!" But the reality is, I respect you enough to not waste your time with my drama, and I'll appreciate it if you don't waste my time with yours. I have a 0 tolerance for drama, I don't like being in it myself, and I'd rather resolve it as soon as possible. I don't linger in uncomfortable or unpleasant situations unless I distinctly have God instruct me to stick it out. I can't keep up with duplicity. I can't remember who you are friends with and who you are not. I can't keep track of what it is that you are doing that no one is supposed to know because I don't live with secrets (ever wonder why Paul and I got married so quickly out of high school? Long story short: To do what we wanted to do - which was be together - and tell anyone who didn't like it to piss off. We paid the price for telling others to piss off - we are still paying the price for that. But I'm not going to try to fool others and I'm certainly not going to be fooled by your excuses).
If you want to do whatever you want, GO! But have the balls to own up to it before everyone! I may tell you its not the best way to do it, I may even encourage you not to do it, but at the end of the day if you don't listen to me, it's entirely your choice! I truthfully, more today than ever, can honestly say that I don't do anything I wouldn't want my Mother to find out about. I never said I don't do anything she wouldn't like me to do. But I only have ONE life to live and I'm only going to live ONE way and I can't keep track of any lies or secrets so I may as well live with the truth on all sides. Right now the truth is that I want half the world to just piss off. Unless you are buying me a caramel mocha and taking me to do something fun I don't really want to hear it.
You either like that or hate it... Either way, this is me, my emotions on my sleeve. You can disagree and be my friend or go and stay out of my way.
They kind of sounded something like this at first: "Piss off."
When I'm in this mood, run away if you can.
I have to be honest, I'm just sick and tired of people. Mankind. And I don't have the patience for anyone's stupidity.
The reason being is probably that I have a lot more on my plate to deal with between my husband and my kids to deal with you. And if I work with you, then you are like... down on the fourth tier of my priorities because I want to have a good working relationship with you since I spend a lot of time with you. And yes, that puts you higher than a lot of other people. But everyone else can just piss off.
So I've been thinking as to what put me this way. If I think of individual friends and loved ones I can see that I do care about them and love them. But here's what it boils down to:
I don't want to hear your drama more than ONCE if you're not going to take my advice. I don't give my advice very generously either, so if you ask me, "What should I do?" then you better be seriously considering it. But don't waste my time just because you want to be drowning in your drama for no good reason:
- Bad relationship? Break up. Tough marriage? Work it out. Good relationship? Get married. If I wanted to be sucked in to a never-ending soppy love story I'd watch the Titanic again. I can only handle other people's romances (fictional or non-fictional) for oh.. 90 minutes per case.
- Finances are tight? You either a) get another job b) go to school and do something to better yourself to get a better job c) stop shopping and start prioritizing.
- Kids are out of control? Spank them. Or put them on time out. Your pick, you're the parent. But if you are letting your children run your home instead of you then don't smirk at my parenting advice. I have 3 kids under 5, do you hear me whining about my kids being out of control? No. Are they perfect? Heck no. But Paul and I are the ones in charge even when it's easier not to be.
It may sound heartless, but I'm just saying... there are people with real difficult situations that are legitimately stuck and standing by faith. Or not standing by faith and struggling. If your drama lasts more than 21 days it's because you've now made it a habit and you want it to be. Grow some balls, tell other people to piss off if need be, and be happy! And then let everybody else be happy too!
I could have compassion if you are a military wife and your husband's on deployment... you may need a shoulder to vent and obviously have matters in your heart that are weighing on you - which will no-duh take longer than 21 days. I'm not completely heartless. Or if your kids have behavioral issues because they have disabilities. Or if your financial situation is something that would take years of hard work to resolve. Geesh I'm not heartless. By all means, whine away! If you've faced a long battle with cancer, or had to take care of a loved one with a terminal illness for years on end... It goes without saying that you are not looking for your drama or perpetuating it by your own decisions.
But otherwise, don't tell me what you are unhappy with unless you are also sharing what you are doing about it. And if you are just going to sit around to be unhappy don't expect me to sit and join you in your pity party.
Here's the other side of this coin:
I don't want to share my business with you. And if I don't, its because I don't believe you are qualified to give me any advice. So I don't want to hear your two cents! If I open up and share with you or whine in public, you can do one of two things: a) say, "that sucks" and nod b) Say, "this is what I did in a similar situation... if its of any help" and leave it alone. I don't want to be converted to your thought process because, like YOU, I'm going to do whatever I feel like doing anyways.
I have found that people love to take you when you are down and find points to criticize you or judge you.... Oh how they are quick to jump on you like you're a freakin' trampoline and tell you all the things you've done wrong (according to them) and basically point out why you deserve your trouble. Or you talk about my husband - which is the perfect thing to do if you want me to shut you out. So don't look surprised if I'm keeping to myself. It may very well be that there is nothing talk-worthy going on in my life to share. Or its simply that my time is precious and I don't think I'll benefit at all from having a conversation with YOU.
Show me the walk behind your talk. Another peeve of mine is people who use cliche faith phrases like, "oh, just wait on the Lord..." Really!? When have YOU ever done anything other than instantly gratify your every fleshy desire? You want to suggest to me that I need to have faith, wait patiently, and be obedient... When there is nothing about your life that would indicate to me you are doing the same? Yeah your words are falling on deaf ears. Specially if when I point out the same to you, you can give me all your excuses for why you're NOT doing things biblically.
There are very, VERY few people I genuinely listen to for advice or encouragement, specially when it comes to spiritual matters. If I'm struggling with belief, I would look or listen to someone who is believing in God for very big things. But if you don't even have the faith to commit and serve your church how can you possibly tell me to believe in a God or trust in a God that you obviously don't? At least, not entirely?
Oh but its so convenient to turn to a psychologist, sex, credit card, or medication to help YOU with your situations... and yet all you have to offer me is to, "have patience?" Not that a psychologist or medication are bad in and of itself, and its good to recommend these if need be. But when you are obviously not the kind of person that has fought any demons (or "personal battles") because you instantly gratify whatever it is that is bugging you, don't just conveniently tell me that I should, "wait and things will get better".
Bigger thing is, don't try to give me marriage advice if you are not married. Don't give me parenting suggestions if you are not a parent. Don't give my financial advice if you are in debt. Don't give me spiritual advice if you are not obedient and faithful under fire. You are not qualified.
With all that being said, there's not a whole lot of people I even want to talk to or hear from. There are even less things I want to talk about with the people that I do want to talk to. I know I'll have a couple of my friends read this and go, "fine! Screw her!" But the reality is, I respect you enough to not waste your time with my drama, and I'll appreciate it if you don't waste my time with yours. I have a 0 tolerance for drama, I don't like being in it myself, and I'd rather resolve it as soon as possible. I don't linger in uncomfortable or unpleasant situations unless I distinctly have God instruct me to stick it out. I can't keep up with duplicity. I can't remember who you are friends with and who you are not. I can't keep track of what it is that you are doing that no one is supposed to know because I don't live with secrets (ever wonder why Paul and I got married so quickly out of high school? Long story short: To do what we wanted to do - which was be together - and tell anyone who didn't like it to piss off. We paid the price for telling others to piss off - we are still paying the price for that. But I'm not going to try to fool others and I'm certainly not going to be fooled by your excuses).
If you want to do whatever you want, GO! But have the balls to own up to it before everyone! I may tell you its not the best way to do it, I may even encourage you not to do it, but at the end of the day if you don't listen to me, it's entirely your choice! I truthfully, more today than ever, can honestly say that I don't do anything I wouldn't want my Mother to find out about. I never said I don't do anything she wouldn't like me to do. But I only have ONE life to live and I'm only going to live ONE way and I can't keep track of any lies or secrets so I may as well live with the truth on all sides. Right now the truth is that I want half the world to just piss off. Unless you are buying me a caramel mocha and taking me to do something fun I don't really want to hear it.
You either like that or hate it... Either way, this is me, my emotions on my sleeve. You can disagree and be my friend or go and stay out of my way.
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