Hard Lessons...

I feel pretty bad about not blogging in so long, but honestly, I had "lost the muse". I lost my voice; my thoughts, my opinions. I was numb, because being numb is easier than feeling pain, anxiety, or frustration. When I did think or feel, all I thought about was, "Why am I still here? Why am I not better off?"

It is difficult to take an office job paying less than any other office job I've done and starting so low at the bottom of the totem pole, as if I was a baby. But I am working where I'm working because of the hope of moving past a desk job and to becoming a veterinary technician some day. Other wise, I wouldn't have accepted the offer in the first place, when there were other office jobs that offered me $5-6 per hour more starting off. Then as the months went by, I lost sight of hope and all I could experience or feel was this despair that somehow I'm getting dumber and more incompetent than when I entered the work force 10 years ago!

I also wasn't seeing past the tip of my nose. And I also wasn't looking heavenward, not in any aspect of my life. My kids became work and a hassle, my marriage was on survival mode, my church life was for appearance's sake, and I had nothing to offer.

The lies in my head and my heart were repeated so often I had mistaken them for truth. I was hopeless, faithless, and had no self-confidence what so ever. I was going from day to day pretty much zombified.

But I'm always thankful to God! He never releases His grip on me. He never stops loving me. And when I finally shut myself up long enough to listen, I definitely heard Him speaking. Every Sunday sermon would plant a little seed... water it... nourish it. Little by little I've been seeing more of the Kingdom.

I heard a missionary say this morning that a lot of Christians go to church thinking about themselves; "I need help! I need strength! I need... I need... I need... me me me..." And these people constantly drag themselves from Sunday to Sunday. Not that there's anything wrong with needing help from the Lord, but his point was that maturity comes when we grow enough to show up at church and say, "Lord, Thank You! The cross is all I need, and You've given that for me. Now I'm here to bless You - let Your will be done." I think I've experienced this transition personally.

I can't pin-point a specific instance or moment when, somehow, my job is not just a job. And while I may not have all the details to disclose, I do believe that it is God's purpose for me to be there for this time and season - in accordance with His plans, which are always for good. Seeing this helps me bring my best foot forward, and I trust Him to know I'm not actually going backwards.

I look at our journey this year and I have to be thankful! I haven't been the most responsible, but by God's grace He has sustained us! Paul focused on his medical assistant certification all year, and again - it feels like one of those things where by the world's standards we're going backwards. But I finally believe we are headed in God's given direction, where He wanted Paul to go from the beginning; Paul has a heart to help people, and he's a science nerd. He is so gifted for it! He was created to do that and more. I wouldn't doubt Paul has it in him to be a Doctor, if the Lord so leads him. Every one that has gotten to know Paul, at the core of his heart, knows that he is relentless in believing the Lord for healing. How appropriate for him to put his faith to practice by having a career in the medical field!

My kids are growing and learning to rely on God. I hear them pray at night before they go to sleep and sometimes they are more mature than I am! They never pray for things, they always pray for people. They mostly pray for others. I've seen Anakin pray for children who are mean to him at day care or school with only the prompting of God's spirit. Even Caleb will ask God to bless everyone (dog and cat too) before he goes to sleep. It's my mission to build them up in their understanding of the Lord so that they can openly develop a relationship with Him.

Most of all, I'm seeing God give me my voice back. I'm having more "aha" moments, where something strikes me and I start listening. I'll eventually start writing these down. The main one I'm learning now, while I have to wait on the Lord to open up a job for Paul, to help us catch up financially and prayerfully move us on to a bit bigger apartment... is this:

"Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want."
1 Peter 4:1-2, The Message.

I'm not being ditched by God - I'm being refined. God has the heat up so that at the end of the day, we are free (fearless, uninhibited, unstoppable) to pursue whatever God may want. I will no longer be bullied by envy with all the things that every one else may have but that really possess no eternal value. God is creating mettle in me.
Mettle - vigor and strength of spirit, quality of temperament or disposition. The moral capacity and strength of character to overcome difficult situations with resilience.

I never heard of this word before and I had a pretty high SAT score! But I understand it now, seeing that God wants to build character in me with RESILIENCE. I'm learning this, accepting it, and seeing how it blossoms in my life. It's one of those hard lessons worth learning any time on this side of heaven.

Stretch out Your hand to heal

We struggle so much with carrying baggage in our hearts. I confess I've been hurting, feeling a false sense of condemnation. I can replay in my head all the things that others have done or said to me to prove their point that I'm a nobody. It isn't long before I'm saying these things to myself without their help. And not a lot of people have faith in me anyways.

I believe forgiveness is key, I haven't quite mastered unlocking that door though. I try. I can look back and see that people just make mistakes... they didn't really mean it. But I guess it always bugs me that they are ok with that; perfectly fine that I have to live with these emotional scars.

Then my real struggle begins when I'm trying not to scar my children in the same way. I don't ever want them to feel the way I do sometimes. I want them to know that they are gifts from God to this world, that He has a plan and a purpose for them, that they are here to do great things to advance His kingdom. Nothing less! No clauses, no fine print on that. Somehow life has made me feel like "I could've.. would've..." but it's too late for me, I'm doomed. And too many people would pitch in and say, "Well, you know... we tried to warn you. That's what you get..." But if this is true, then my children are consequences of a mistake, cursed. It just dawned on me that I was agreeing with this in my heart today and I couldn't stop crying. They aren't a punishment for not making wiser choices and using better birth control. They are seeds of greatness that God has placed under my care to bless me!

Oh gosh, what would that make of my marriage? I refuse to Paul through that either. He's a wonderful person...

I don't want to submit to that feeling, agree with the thought that by just living and a series of events that feel outside of my control I've somehow screwed up beyond repair, past where God could make something of me. But I don't have a whole lot of hope either. And it's so hard when every promise I read in the Bible I feel would apply to everyone else but me.

Why not me?

One day I would love to have the courage, the faith, and the resources to pursue my dream. And I've always said I'd be a veterinarian before I die, even if I go to school for it when I'm 50. I have no dream now though, it almost feels pointless to dream. Why bother desiring anything outside my income? And I'm not worth very much in that department either. It's not like I'm expecting God to step in and do anything for me. We have a place to sleep, food, and a vehicle and I'm no one in His kingdom to ask for anything more.

I'm not saying that these thought processes are biblical or Christ-like. I know that they are not. I'm struggling to replace those thoughts with Scripture in a way that I'll believe and will have as strong of an emotion attached to it. I'd like to FEEL hopeful. I'd like to FEEL faith-filled. I hardly pray.

I'm able to blog about this now because I'm finally able to put it into words. I was at church today during praise and worship and for the first time in a loooong time I felt this release inside my chest, like I could just tell God that I'm struggling with all these things in an open conversation. I can blog about it because I've already prayed about it and left it in God's hands.

There was never any question while Jesus walked the earth IF He could heal people. What people doubted was whether He'd be willing to. "If you are willing, you can make me well." "If my Lord says so, my servant can be healed." People lowered a paralytic on a bed sheet from a hole in the roof in front of Jesus because there was no question that He'd have the power to do something about it... if only He'd notice them.

I know He is willing. I just have to trust Him and wait through this.

In the mean time I hugged my kids and prayed for them during church. And I feed them and do laundry and clean the house come migraines or back-aches, sinus infections or not. I just love them the best I know how at the moment. It involves getting them to school and to church and back home again. I don't know how to do any better for them but I hope it's enough for now. And they love me, and they seem to be doing well developmentally so I must be doing something right.

I don't want encouragement. I want God to stretch out His hand towards me to make me whole again. Not to diss anybody, but it's one of those things I have to experience from Him; His healing touch, His help. I don't know how to explain what I'm looking for other than to say there's not a whole lot anyone can do about it. It takes people who have experienced a supernatural touch from God to understand that I just need Him to stretch out His hand to me.

I experienced a taste of it today, as we were singing. I feel a little bit of healing every time I go to church. I'm thankful to be a part of the church that leaves the door open for God to show up and expects the supernatural.

I can't imagine facing the hardships of life without a relationship with Jesus. I remember living that way when I was younger and I was never satisfied. I'm so glad He's here to help me now.

Psalm 112

I read this chapter and it hit me: This is what children of God look like! Not just church-goers or religious folks, but children who KNOW God personally and experience a living relationship with Him!

Psalm 112

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹ Praise the Lord!

How joyful are those who fear the Lord
and delight in obeying his commands.

If you didn't think that "obedience" and "commands" can be synonymous with "joyful", then you need to re-evaluate your theology! How can there by joy and delight in "fearing" the Lord! I can say from experience it's peace! I have peace in a right relationship with God. I have peace in obedience because I am not worried of the consequences, for example; the Bible instructs me not to be a gossiper. So I don't gossip at work. Therefore I have the joy and peace that comes from knowing that I won't be responsible for any trouble that work gossip can cause. Random example, not specific to my personal life, but just something to wrap your mind around. The same with lying or stealing. There's no worrying that comes with "getting caught", there's peace with integrity and fear of the Lord. There's delight! There's joy!

² Their children will be successful everywhere;
an entire generation of godly people will be blessed.

I don't know how to explain this promise... but I claim it! I want my children to be successful everywhere and I believe that they will be blessed.

³ They themselves will be wealthy,
and their good deeds will last forever.

Amen!

⁴ Light shines in the darkness for the godly.
They are generous, compassionate, and righteous.

It isn't a promise that there is no darkness, but rather, that we'll have a light shining to help us during the dark times, provided that we meet the qualifications of the word "godly", as defined in the second part of the verse: "They are generous, compassionate, and righteous." Outside from this definition, given by God, of what it is to be "godly"... well... there is no godly! Godly implies being "God-like"... If you are not generous, compassionate, or righteous (and it's all three, not one without the other, that creates a perfect balance!), then you fall short of God's definition for the term. Oh Lord, help me to be these things - specially righteous. I can't do it without Your constant help - at work, church, with the kids, and with friends, help me to make the right choices and have integrity.

⁵ Good comes to those who lend money generously
and conduct their business fairly.

Aha! I believe it ties in to verse 3, which is where the promise of being wealthy lies; it is fulfilled in being generous and conducting business fairly... in other words, being generous and having integrity in our business dealings! Well, when you think about it THAT way, it's not too far of a stretch to believe that godly people can be wealthy. If we learn to not place ourselves in foolish debt, and to pay our bills, and handle our finances appropriately, and save, and think about what we invest in, and not squander our money in silly purchases... well... that would make any person wealthy (or at least wealthier) over a period of time!

⁶ Such people will not be overcome by evil.
Those who are righteous will be long remembered.
⁷ They do not fear bad news;
they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.
⁸ They are confident and fearless
and can face their foes triumphantly.

♪♫ No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
'Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand ♪♫

⁹ They share freely and give generously to those in need.
Their good deeds will be remembered forever.
They will have influence and honor.

Lord, I yearn to be someone who would be considered generous. I love You, and I want to honor You!! Not for my honor or influence, but for Your sake - to be a good representative of what You've done for mankind!

¹⁰ The wicked will see this and be infuriated.
They will grind their teeth in anger;
they will slink away, their hopes thwarted.

It makes ungodly people angry when godly people flourish... they would rather see us fail, fall, or lose hope so they can point a finger at us and say, "Ha! I knew it! I was right and you were wrong!" Well... too bad for them... But you know how you fight back? By getting back up. By not staying down! Your success is the biggest revenge against the Enemy. If you have been hurt, and you want to get back at them - leave them be, it's for God to handle - but You keep moving forward in the service of the Lord, and leave them behind to grind their teeth!

I love reading Scripture... I love the encouragement and hope He gives me. If I had half a brain, I would soak in His words every day... better than some of the other things that seem to stick to me from week to week. Just remind myself of who I am in Christ and what He wants for me! I'd start praying these promises for myself and my loved ones, start believing in this direction, and see what God can do with my itty-bitty faith! Why do I let days go by before I open up His Word?

A good source is www.biblegateway.com - they have various reading plans in different versions that you can subscribe via email, so you get your daily reading every day and you can even read the Scriptures directly on your screen. Sometimes I read a verse in one translation and then in another, just to get a more rounded picture of what the message is. I'd recommend that to anyone.

Lioness Arising... in midnight ramblings...

It's a really good Bible study! I recommend women everywhere to try to do it at their churches. It's by Lisa Bevere. I read through the first chapter and I'm hooked!

Now the book and study guide are out of my reach and I'm lazy, so bear with my paraphrase please, I just want to recount the image that's been in my head all day and its significance:

The rangers have just darted a male lion, tranquilizing him so they can work on removing a tracking collar they've had on him. They are about to approach the lion when they hear a growl and from the grass rises a lioness. Realizing the danger they are in, one of them comments, "To get to him, we're going to have to tranquilize her."

That lioness was not gonna let anyone approach her man. I can see myself in that - you insult my husband, or my kids, and it won't be pretty. Most women would agree that we can take a lot of things directed at US versus our family.

It hit me, however, when the question was posed, "How does Satan use the same tactic?" I sat there wowed by the spiritual lesson that was unfolding before me.

They tranquilize the lioness and work quickly, noting how her eyes were constantly fixed on them. "Nothing is more dangerous than a lioness fully awake."

It hit me what kind of threat I would be to Satan and the forces of darkness if I was fully conscious, fully awake. But to be honest I feel like I've been "tranquilized" for a long time! Mostly tired, kinda' lazy... letting day after day go by without doing anything useful, let alone Kingdom-minded! Working to get home, feed the kids, go to sleep, and do it over again. And even in that, I was barely functioning with the kids - just keeping them fed and clean and safe from disaster if at all possible.

It goes further than just me as an individual but also the church, as the bride of Christ. Nothing is more dangerous than the church fully awake!

"But make sure that you don't get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God. The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing! God is putting the finishing touches on the salvation work he began when we first believed. We can't afford to waste a minute, must not squander these precious daylight hours in frivolity and indulgence, in sleeping around and dissipation, in bickering and grabbing everything in sight. Get out of bed and get dressed! Don't loiter and linger, waiting until the very last minute. Dress yourselves in Christ, and be up and about!" - Romans 13:11-14, The Message.

God calls us to be awake too, He says it through out even across the different translations. When I think of the different things that lioness accomplish while they are awake, I know they feed their young, they protect their families, they guard against enemies... but I also know one thing - they don't work alone! The lionesses in the pride will work together to accomplish the success of the pride.

Oh, what happens when the women in the church get together to do ministry! And not just be exhausted in "doing", but actually hug, love, pray, encourage each other! And pray with a fire! What would happen if we got fierce about what we believe?

I'm too tired now to get into it like I want to. But the truth is that we women have influence - married or not, there are people that count on us for our friendship, for our encouragement, even for our protection. We need to be awake, alert, conscious as Christians of the call in Romans. I need to be more alert. More mission-minded. More Kingdom-minded.

We need to prioritize our lives so that what we do matters! And stop wasting so much time on those things that don't matter! We need to be fierce about defending not only our families but our faith, because we are a force to be reckoned with. Let the forces of darkness know, "She is here... We can't just walk in, we are in danger!" And we need to bond with each other, welcome each other into the "pride" so to speak... It's not a call to be aggressive towards people, just be alert towards the Kingdom work God created us for.

I guess the reason why this touch of the bible study spoke to me is because I desire it with all of my heart. To really BE there for my kids and my family. To support and offer my strength to my church. To not feel so wimpy, whiny, and scared... So weak, so much of a failure... rather I want to be a threat to the Enemy. Lord, help me wake up from the dart guns that Satan has hit me with, and be about Your work for me here. I want to take my position in my home with courage and faithfulness. I want to arise from this slumber and start moving with the fierce beauty that You created me with, and fiercely open my heart to serving and loving others, offering my growl for those who cannot speak for themselves... No longer afraid of being hurt (again) but with the confidence that comes from knowing that above man, I can trust You.

Making-Do

Lately I've put the kids to sleep by reading a bible story to them and praying, and there is such a peace that comes over that room, we all just fall asleep with a smile on our faces... I've been falling asleep with them - maybe even ahead of them!

Tonight I let Paul put the kids to sleep so I can accomplish some much needed housework. Our balcony, our kitchen, and our yard looks MUCH better (and Paul helped with that too!).

I still have a couple of "messes" here and there, which should be taken care of by tomorrow.

I made a chart with all the things I wanted to accomplish each day, so that I break down everything that needs to get done into a few manageable tasks each day. I don't always do everything on the list, but I've been a bit more on-track (at least with school work). I haven't quite exercised yet. And I have woken up every morning to pray - just from my bed... not quite made it to my Bible this week, but I will keep trying until I get there.

I am so thankful for biblegateway.com! I read my bible tonight online. I was in the living room and it was late, the baby was going to sleep and I couldn't keep all the lights on... so I just opened my laptop and read the book of Zephaniah in the NLT. It spoke to me.

I've experienced the sting of judgment, the burn of consequences resulting from all the choices I made outside of God's guidance. But I love how that book ends: "He will rejoice over you with singing, He will calm your fears, He will redeem you with love..." One of those last verses, as if to drive the point - no matter how bad it seems things have to get before you have your head on right and turn in the right direction, your Heavenly Father is right there to receive you, comfort you, and cheer for you from that moment on! There is redemption, and there is restoration.

I experienced His redemption when I accepted Christ as Savior. Through the eternal power of the cross, Jesus pointed to me and told the Father, "This wild child is mine!" He paid the price for me. I belong to Him and there is nothing that can change that. Romans says that there's no height, no depth, nothing in the past, nothing in the present, and nothing in the future that can separate me from God's love. Jesus said, "All those that the Father gives me are mine, and no one can snatch them out of my hand," in John. He is the Good Shepherd, and even if all the other 99 in sheep in His care are perfect and pretty in the pasture, He never says, "Ok... I got 99 left. This will do." Nope. He goes out and finds me, and carries me back to the flock... as many times as it takes until I am in Heaven.

I am waiting for His restoration. I don't know entirely what it will look like, although I have some earthly ideas.

I think restoration for our family will look like a 2 bedroom home (at least) where the kids can sleep in their own bedroom and not on the sofa in our living room. And Paul has a good job. And I'm actually doing good at my job. And we are thriving, versus the "surviving" we are doing now.

I possibly see us plugged in to a church where we are making meaningful connections within the fellowship and have found our "ministries", so to speak - our points of service in God's kingdom where our talents and gifts combine with a need, and we can share God's love in some way...

Maybe I will even have a fully restored heart, free from bitterness, pain, or regret. A heart that truly forgives (I have to wrestle with this one every day). I'd love to be back to my joyful self of having energy and reading books, blogging more often, thinking of things to do for God's kingdom... Hopeful and looking forward to the things that God has with me with anticipation. I can't say that I'm quite there yet, but I am definitely doing better. I'm walking through the valley of the shadows BUT I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And yet, even when I feel a bit... exiled and a little heart achy... because it's not all that together just yet... As I'm standing on the other side of the Jordan looking into the Promised Land that I should've conquered YEARS ago but I screwed things up in my rebellion... I know that He is with me. His Holy Spirit is always confirming in my heart that He will never leave me, never forsake me. He loves me, I know this, and it strengthens my resolve to keep waiting as I inch forward. He loves me and it keeps me from giving up. Even in His discipline I feel His gentleness on me so as not to break me, not to push me past the point where I can't bear it anymore (oh, how many times I thought I was at the end of me! Only to see that God knew I was stronger than I thought...). He sings over me. I can't help but sing too.

I Need Discipline!

Everyone always gives me my excuse for dropping the ball on the things I should do: But you're a MOM of THREE little ones!? Of course you can't keep up with everything! You need to take it easy! You gotta take care of them too!

I don't like it... I wonder if it's because bill collectors, or the landlord, or even God Himself would accept that excuse for me.

But I have to be honest in that I feel I need 28 hours in a day to be able to accomplish all the little things I need to do and then some of the bigger projects to tackle. I feel like after I come home from work I can only do ONE thing, then it's bedtime!

I either clean, or study for my Veterinary Assisting class, or do groceries, or read my Bible, or exercise, or train Pepper, or read to the kids. Maybe, with some coffee or coke, I can do two of these things in one night... But that's pretty much it. Unfortunately, these are ALL things I need to do, without neglecting my kids or my husband. And some of these are disciplines that I need to do every day for my own health (be it physically or spiritually)!

The priority level of these things are superseded by the ENERGY level I may have.

I know a lot of people would say that reading the Bible/praying are extras, for when I have time or if the kids fall asleep early. I would have to disagree. Do you want to see me in a crappy mood? Let me go weeks without refreshing my thought process, my heart, and my emotions in God's Word. Any grace that I may have, any good virtue, any thing admirable or praise worthy is all a direct effect of God working in my life through my relationship with Him.

Outside of God I'm cranky, short-tempered, and harsh. Vengeful and spiteful. Lazy unlike anything on this green earth! I do not make a good employee, friend, wife, or mother without God's help. I'm not being preachy, just honest!

And yet I find myself running on an empty tank, hoping I don't break down before the next fill-up, I treat myself spiritually the way I do my car! Paycheck to paycheck, empty to empty.

My physical being needs maintenance and upkeep as well. These extra pounds I'm carrying aren't helping me get over sore joints and aches any quicker. I don't want to slim to a specific size or weight, I want to be healthy! To know that I can run as fast and as far as my kids and my husband if the need arises. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I know the answer is discipline! I'm praying for it, alongside wisdom. Getting up a little earlier, being more productive on my lunch break, getting the kids to go to bed at a sooner hour. Investing time and effort into those things I consider worthwhile a little every day! It frustrates me to KNOW what I have to do and yet have no real intentions of executing it. I sometimes wonder if I am working too much, even though at this point I need to.

Lord, You love me and You know me. You know exactly where I am right now, and how to reach me. I'm calling out to You for help. I need Your strength. I need that strength from Scriptures, like the one that says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Give me the wisdom to prioritize my hours, my day, and thus my life. Give me the joy and zeal during the day to accomplish the things that are important to You! Give me the rest and peace at night so I can sleep and recover from day to day. Give me a passion and a calling that will push me more than what I may be feeling physically or mentally. I am breaking free from pain and fatigue in Your Name, because Your work on the cross made me whole! In the Name of Jesus I pray - Amen.

A Child of God

♪♫ When I climb down the mountain, and get back to my life I won't settle for ordinary things. I'm gonna follow You forever, for all of my days. I won't rest 'till I see You again! Show me Your glory! Send down Your presence, I wanna see Your face! Show me Your glory! Majesty shines about You, I can't go on without You, Lord... ♪♫ - Third Day

This part of the song has been stuck in my head the past few days. I know the whole song by heart but I can't seem to remember the rest of it, just this part. I guess you could call it a "mantra".

I am more complete, more whole, more joyful the more I am in love with my Savior. No matter what my circumstance, or what's been done to me, or how I've messed up - there is no room for discontentment when you are experiencing Christ! And if you are feeling kinda' low lately, know that there is a whole in your soul that only God can fill - there's nothing else under heaven that satisfy you completely.

That satisfaction is what Jesus was referring to when He told the Samaritan woman at the well that "springs of living water would flow" from within those who drink from what He has to offer; the Holy Spirit, refreshing and renewing us from the deepest part inside us.

I went camping this weekend with our church, which was AWESOME. I had a chance to meet and hang out with the people I see in passing on Sunday morning. Made me glad Paul and I chose the church we did. Made some friends and hope to develop these friendships into meaningful bonds as the family we are in Christ.

But the call to go camping wasn't just for the smelly, sticky feeling of not showering for a few days and eating food roasted on a fire, but rather to go up to the mountain and hear from God. I think our family needed to get away and go up to nature to refresh our hearts.

If you are not an "outdoorsy person", you don't know what you are missing! You can't look at nature, be out there in nature, and not see the glory of God. Because the scenery is beautiful (the mountains, lakes, rivers, rocks, trees, flowers, etc.), it is a direct reflection of the beauty of God the Creator. You can't help but appreciate this God who made so many details, so beautiful, for no other reason than for us to enjoy!

In my alone time, I couldn't get past this part of Scripture:
John Chapter 1 ¹ In the beginning the Word already existed. The Word was with God, and the Word was God. ² He existed in the beginning with God. ³ God created everything through him, and nothing was created except through him. ⁴ The Word gave life to everything that was created,^[a] and his life brought light to everyone. ⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.^[b].

¹⁰ He came into the very world he created, but the world didn’t recognize him. ¹¹ He came to his own people, and even they rejected him. ¹² But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. ¹³ They are reborn—not with a physical birth resulting from human passion or plan, but a birth that comes from God.

Jesus was the Word that, when spoken, brought about creation in all its glory. And the people He created have missed the mark; we didn't all recognize Him. Some of us even rejected Him. But to those of us who saw Him for who He was - the Glorious One, God made man - He gave us the right to become children of God. Reborn, from God Himself.

Man that was refreshing! I've read this scripture many times. I had memorized this chapter (along with the rest of the book of John) for Teen Bible Quiz in the New International Version. But it came alive in that it was precisely what I needed to be reminded of; I have the right to be a child of God.

I guess I always thought it was something kind of automatic. The problem with that thought process is that very often, with all the trials we've been through, I felt more like an unloved step-child! Like the unwanted child... as if God didn't have enough blessing in store to bless everyone else AND bless me too. But I was wrong!

He gives us the right to become children of God. We can choose not to exercise that right the same way people who have valid driver's license can choose not to drive.

I have been born again as a daughter of God. I am joint heir with Christ, a daughter of the King, an ambassador not just by position, but also by sharing a passion with my Father for His kingdom! Everything He has, I can use, all I have to do is ask. I am not a beggar, a foster, a slave. I am a princess to God!

I guess that's the beauty of the ministry of adoption according to God's Word. In a true, genuine adoption, you are a member of the family with the same rights as if you were born into it. That's why God says our spirits inside us change, to where we see God as "Abba", or in other words, "Daddy!"

It's a smack-in-the-forehead moment when you realize that you KNEW all this. I mean, I'm writing all these things and I know it's nothing new! I've heard it dozens of times before. But now it's personal, it's embedded, it sunk in to my mind and my heart. It was made alive for me this weekend, on a bench, in the bush, with a view of the mountain.