I feel pretty bad about not blogging in so long, but honestly, I had "lost the muse". I lost my voice; my thoughts, my opinions. I was numb, because being numb is easier than feeling pain, anxiety, or frustration. When I did think or feel, all I thought about was, "Why am I still here? Why am I not better off?"
It is difficult to take an office job paying less than any other office job I've done and starting so low at the bottom of the totem pole, as if I was a baby. But I am working where I'm working because of the hope of moving past a desk job and to becoming a veterinary technician some day. Other wise, I wouldn't have accepted the offer in the first place, when there were other office jobs that offered me $5-6 per hour more starting off. Then as the months went by, I lost sight of hope and all I could experience or feel was this despair that somehow I'm getting dumber and more incompetent than when I entered the work force 10 years ago!
I also wasn't seeing past the tip of my nose. And I also wasn't looking heavenward, not in any aspect of my life. My kids became work and a hassle, my marriage was on survival mode, my church life was for appearance's sake, and I had nothing to offer.
The lies in my head and my heart were repeated so often I had mistaken them for truth. I was hopeless, faithless, and had no self-confidence what so ever. I was going from day to day pretty much zombified.
But I'm always thankful to God! He never releases His grip on me. He never stops loving me. And when I finally shut myself up long enough to listen, I definitely heard Him speaking. Every Sunday sermon would plant a little seed... water it... nourish it. Little by little I've been seeing more of the Kingdom.
I heard a missionary say this morning that a lot of Christians go to church thinking about themselves; "I need help! I need strength! I need... I need... I need... me me me..." And these people constantly drag themselves from Sunday to Sunday. Not that there's anything wrong with needing help from the Lord, but his point was that maturity comes when we grow enough to show up at church and say, "Lord, Thank You! The cross is all I need, and You've given that for me. Now I'm here to bless You - let Your will be done." I think I've experienced this transition personally.
I can't pin-point a specific instance or moment when, somehow, my job is not just a job. And while I may not have all the details to disclose, I do believe that it is God's purpose for me to be there for this time and season - in accordance with His plans, which are always for good. Seeing this helps me bring my best foot forward, and I trust Him to know I'm not actually going backwards.
I look at our journey this year and I have to be thankful! I haven't been the most responsible, but by God's grace He has sustained us! Paul focused on his medical assistant certification all year, and again - it feels like one of those things where by the world's standards we're going backwards. But I finally believe we are headed in God's given direction, where He wanted Paul to go from the beginning; Paul has a heart to help people, and he's a science nerd. He is so gifted for it! He was created to do that and more. I wouldn't doubt Paul has it in him to be a Doctor, if the Lord so leads him. Every one that has gotten to know Paul, at the core of his heart, knows that he is relentless in believing the Lord for healing. How appropriate for him to put his faith to practice by having a career in the medical field!
My kids are growing and learning to rely on God. I hear them pray at night before
they go to sleep and sometimes they are more mature than I am! They never pray for things, they always pray for people. They mostly pray for others. I've seen Anakin pray for children who are mean to him at day care or school with only the prompting of God's spirit. Even Caleb will ask God to bless everyone (dog and cat too) before he goes to sleep. It's my mission to build them up in their understanding of the Lord so that they can openly develop a relationship with Him.Most of all, I'm seeing God give me my voice back. I'm having more "aha" moments, where something strikes me and I start listening. I'll eventually start writing these down. The main one I'm learning now, while I have to wait on the Lord to open up a job for Paul, to help us catch up financially and prayerfully move us on to a bit bigger apartment... is this:
"Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want."
1 Peter 4:1-2, The Message.
I'm not being ditched by God - I'm being refined. God has the heat up so that at the end of the day, we are free (fearless, uninhibited, unstoppable) to pursue whatever God may want. I will no longer be bullied by envy with all the things that every one else may have but that really possess no eternal value. God is creating mettle in me.
