Why blog?

It's therapeutic... specially for dorks like me who communicate better when they have the chance to process their thoughts, select their words, and write precisely what they want to say. As much as I'm a "talker", I stumble, stutter, and don't always say things right. English as a second language might have something to do with that (unfortunately, I don't think I could blog in Spanish... I lost my grammar in that language). I like to pour out my thoughts and leave it out there in the cosmos (or the world wide web) for other people to mull over...

Wednesday, December 19, 2012


I just had to share...

I have been feeling a tad bit tight, a little discouraged... And I was driving this morning on the way to work, going as fast as I can.  I was praying while I was driving, and I honestly don't remember at all what I was saying.

I know I asked for Paul to get a good job soon, and for things to look up.  I'm sure I mentioned how anxious I've been and how I'm having such a hard time trusting in Him.  I know I'm having a difficult time just believing and accepting that God would have good things in store for me; it often feels like He has plans to prosper everyone else BUT me.  And I've fallen into this habit of NOT praying and NOT asking for anything so that I'm not disappointed if things don't work out for me.

I am distracted from this out-pouring of ... discouragement, in honesty... by a red light that I almost ran.  Right in front of me drives a pick up truck w/ a Green Bay Packers flag.  And I heard God ask me the question, "Maria, why were you rooting for the Green Bay Packers when they played against the Pittsburg Steelers that one Superbowl a few years ago?"

Uh... heck if I know.  Rewind to 2011, I think... maybe 2010... and we watched the game at our old church, w/ a pot luck.  The Pastor and his family went for the Steelers.  Carla and I seemed to be the only ones going for the Packers.  The Who played during half-time.

"Maria, why did you like the Packers?"

I don't know anything about football.  I can only tell which team is winning.  What did I know about the Packers?  What was it about that team that subconsciously attracted me to it?

Then I remember, in Oklahoma, being on a book-reading club so to speak, with a couple of friends in OKC and in Dallas, reading the autobiography of Vincent Lombardi.

I don't know anything about football, but I remember in my heart the testimony of Vince Lombardi; the struggles he went through, the odds he overcame.  Some of his quotes.  That's what tugged at my heart this most recent Super Bowl. That's the reason why I was rooting for them.

"Maria, why do you still want to watch the movie 'Invincible'?  You are not even really into football.  Why did you love facing the giants? or Remember the Titans?"

I ... don't know.  I prefer a sports genre movie over a chick flick any day...

"It's because of the story.  It's the same story - and you are a sucker for it.  You like the theme of the heroes overcoming incredibly difficult challenges, of beating the odds.  Of the underdogs coming up on top.  You love it when it is said that 'they'll never make it' - and then they succeed!  Whether in 'The Hunger Games', or the Green Bay Packers, you love that story.

Because it's your story.   You are genetically wired to endure difficult challenges, and to go through them with a smile on your face and kindness in your heart.  And these trials aren't all you are built for; your very core was designed for success. For victory.  And you will get there! Because you will continue to push through until you do. And that is your testimony, your story - that you are invincible, and your life will inspire others the way these kinds of things inspire you."

So when I felt down later in the evening, having forgotten all about my drive into work, over-all low on energy and just trying to put dinner together... When I was wondering why I even bother, and I said, "I give up. I'm done." I heard the faint whisper in my heart that said, "You are not. You're invincible."

Friday, December 14, 2012

Under the Weather

I've just had a real icky month.  I'm between nausea and a cold and fever blisters, runny noses, and 0 energy whatsoever.  We've been down to -16 degrees F, and up to 36 F in the past month as well, through freezing temperatures, snow blizzards, and even rain.

I'm struggling to stay awake, to stay alive even.  I drag myself to work, keep myself busy so I don't pass out at work, then I have to muster everything I have to be conscious when I'm home alone w/ the kiddos, so the kiddos don't kill each other... by the time they go to sleep at 8pm, I follow shortly after - which means I don't see Paul get home from work, or talk to him for yet another day (I leave for work the following morning around 6am, and he's asleep then).

I don't have the energy to do the things I have to do, let alone anything special or meaningful with the children, or the dogs... or the husband.  Date night for us is few and far between, usually in a moment of desperation because I haven't seen Paul all week and it's either go out and get away from the kids or send each other texts of complaints.  But it's the sacrifice we are willing to pay to get the kids a Christmas tree, and presents from us (first Christmas that they will get a present from Mommy and Daddy!!), and still have a roof over our heads.

My prayers are short and simple... something along the lines of "Jesus help me!".  Not very verbose at all.  I am hanging on to whatever moment I can read the Bible just to keep my sanity and my hope.

I'm also trying to study for the classes I'm taking on-line.  Yeah that doesn't happen very often.

There are days that are very special; when the kiddos do something really sweet, or really funny. And I'm enjoying spending evenings with them, I just wish I could give them more - more than a bowl of cereal for dinner because I've been vomiting most of the afternoon.  Or more than going to bed briefly at 8pm and no bed time stories because I'm vomiting again.  This week particularly has been rough.  I'm discouraged.

But the awesome thing is that through it all, God has not failed to remind me - even show me - that He knows, that He cares, and that He's working on it.  He's like a secret Santa; leaving tidbits of His signature to give us hope.  He has protected us on the roads and provided for us, and sent people to encourage Paul, and opened doors for us.  It will all fall into place; I know it will!  I just have to keep looking up!

The Bible and the devotionals on my phone have been a steady rock I've anchored to; they keep my thoughts from spiraling into negativity, help me to re-focus on the things worth thinking about - worth hoping for.  I could still use a better attitude at times (ok, so most times!).  And a lot of times, it feels like Paul and I are hanging on to love - and to each other - desperately and with both hands, to keep from having our marriage fall apart.

We try in the little things, in the simple things, to help each other and show each other love and support.  And I try to wake up once I hear he's home to visit with him, hear him tell me all the details of his day, and spend some time - even if very brief - in conversation.