I've just had a real icky month. I'm between nausea and a cold and fever blisters, runny noses, and 0 energy whatsoever. We've been down to -16 degrees F, and up to 36 F in the past month as well, through freezing temperatures, snow blizzards, and even rain.
I'm struggling to stay awake, to stay alive even. I drag myself to work, keep myself busy so I don't pass out at work, then I have to muster everything I have to be conscious when I'm home alone w/ the kiddos, so the kiddos don't kill each other... by the time they go to sleep at 8pm, I follow shortly after - which means I don't see Paul get home from work, or talk to him for yet another day (I leave for work the following morning around 6am, and he's asleep then).
I don't have the energy to do the things I have to do, let alone anything special or meaningful with the children, or the dogs... or the husband. Date night for us is few and far between, usually in a moment of desperation because I haven't seen Paul all week and it's either go out and get away from the kids or send each other texts of complaints. But it's the sacrifice we are willing to pay to get the kids a Christmas tree, and presents from us (first Christmas that they will get a present from Mommy and Daddy!!), and still have a roof over our heads.
My prayers are short and simple... something along the lines of "Jesus help me!". Not very verbose at all. I am hanging on to whatever moment I can read the Bible just to keep my sanity and my hope.
I'm also trying to study for the classes I'm taking on-line. Yeah that doesn't happen very often.
There are days that are very special; when the kiddos do something really sweet, or really funny. And I'm enjoying spending evenings with them, I just wish I could give them more - more than a bowl of cereal for dinner because I've been vomiting most of the afternoon. Or more than going to bed briefly at 8pm and no bed time stories because I'm vomiting again. This week particularly has been rough. I'm discouraged.
But the awesome thing is that through it all, God has not failed to remind me - even show me - that He knows, that He cares, and that He's working on it. He's like a secret Santa; leaving tidbits of His signature to give us hope. He has protected us on the roads and provided for us, and sent people to encourage Paul, and opened doors for us. It will all fall into place; I know it will! I just have to keep looking up!
The Bible and the devotionals on my phone have been a steady rock I've anchored to; they keep my thoughts from spiraling into negativity, help me to re-focus on the things worth thinking about - worth hoping for. I could still use a better attitude at times (ok, so most times!). And a lot of times, it feels like Paul and I are hanging on to love - and to each other - desperately and with both hands, to keep from having our marriage fall apart.
We try in the little things, in the simple things, to help each other and show each other love and support. And I try to wake up once I hear he's home to visit with him, hear him tell me all the details of his day, and spend some time - even if very brief - in conversation.