I feel burnt out and weak. It probably has something to do with the fact that we are broke and have no food-stamps right now so we are eating WIC products and ramen noodles and that's pretty much it (unless friends bring food or order pizza). I haven't had any red meat in about 2 weeks. I feel the weakness I consistently experience when I'm anemic. Thank God my Mom sent me Harina Pan because we've been having arepas a LOT lately.
And it's just that we are in re-certification... for everything...
We got the day care settled. The kids are in school full-time and our payment is only $28 a month. Or at least, it would be - except our current day care charges $5 more per day so we're actually paying $103 a month per their math. but compared to $217 for only 9 days a month, we are not complaining.
And this month drained me completely. Just as I'm starting to work my tail bone off and kind of make money at my job everything starts going downhill. I just can't keep doing this anymore.
So I'm looking, dropping off resumes, going to interviews. Waiting and seeing what God may have for me. I am willing to do an excellent job wherever He places me. I trust Him! I'm not worried because I know God will open the right door at the right time. He takes care of our needs. He knows what I need better than I do!
Which means I'll have to go through the food-stamps/daycare paperwork one more time, probably beginning of May. I'll have to change the kid's day care again because I may not need to drive that far south anymore. I have to notify them of the job change and the new income and let them determine all over again what we are going to get. And I'm alright with doing all of it ONE more time.
It's all worth it for Paul to go to school. He's going to school full-time, he's getting good grades. He's enjoying it, seeing himself in a new career field, and I know that once he graduates he'll get good job. The sky's the limit for him! He can then go on to nursing, or even becoming a doctor. It may take a few years of studying, then paying off the student loan, then taking a few more classes with the money we save up... It'll be worth it. We just have to make it until then!
I just need God to hold me up until then. I'm ready to sleep for the next 4 weeks and just wake up when it's all over. I need so much grace, mercy, forgiveness.... I'm such a short fuse with the kids, I always have a migraine, I can't tolerate them just being kids. I don't have any energy. I barely have an appetite. I'm a zombie. Just going from one to-do thing to the next... jumping from one hoop to the next. Paying a little bit of one bill, then another. Functional just enough until I can finally but my head to the pillow and sleep... and then start over again!
Pepper's company is really a blessing to me. She's like my comfort blankie. Everyone has something that helps them to feel a bit better than their circumstances are. To some people it's a night at a bar, or a specific food. It's the reason why a lot of women have hobbies. Well I can't crochet and I don't bead but I enjoy dogs. I like walking, cuddling, training. Pepper helps me change my countenance and reminds me that being home can be fun.
The kids are adorable, too. They are growing so fast and they do so much already! I'm just amazed at how we blink and they hit milestone after milestone... how much Anakin and Brielle talk! How much Caleb does on his own! I wish I didn't see them so much as "work" when I'm home (diapers, laundry, baths, dinner, bedtime) and just enjoyed their company. I'm praying that the sound of their laughter doesn't pierce through my skull and make me want to beat my head into the wall. They are so special, just the way they are. I can't be the Mom they deserve out of my own strength. I am dragging myself on God's love and His peace.