I've just had a real icky month. I'm between nausea and a cold and fever blisters, runny noses, and 0 energy whatsoever. We've been down to -16 degrees F, and up to 36 F in the past month as well, through freezing temperatures, snow blizzards, and even rain.
I'm struggling to stay awake, to stay alive even. I drag myself to work, keep myself busy so I don't pass out at work, then I have to muster everything I have to be conscious when I'm home alone w/ the kiddos, so the kiddos don't kill each other... by the time they go to sleep at 8pm, I follow shortly after - which means I don't see Paul get home from work, or talk to him for yet another day (I leave for work the following morning around 6am, and he's asleep then).
I don't have the energy to do the things I have to do, let alone anything special or meaningful with the children, or the dogs... or the husband. Date night for us is few and far between, usually in a moment of desperation because I haven't seen Paul all week and it's either go out and get away from the kids or send each other texts of complaints. But it's the sacrifice we are willing to pay to get the kids a Christmas tree, and presents from us (first Christmas that they will get a present from Mommy and Daddy!!), and still have a roof over our heads.
My prayers are short and simple... something along the lines of "Jesus help me!". Not very verbose at all. I am hanging on to whatever moment I can read the Bible just to keep my sanity and my hope.
I'm also trying to study for the classes I'm taking on-line. Yeah that doesn't happen very often.
There are days that are very special; when the kiddos do something really sweet, or really funny. And I'm enjoying spending evenings with them, I just wish I could give them more - more than a bowl of cereal for dinner because I've been vomiting most of the afternoon. Or more than going to bed briefly at 8pm and no bed time stories because I'm vomiting again. This week particularly has been rough. I'm discouraged.
But the awesome thing is that through it all, God has not failed to remind me - even show me - that He knows, that He cares, and that He's working on it. He's like a secret Santa; leaving tidbits of His signature to give us hope. He has protected us on the roads and provided for us, and sent people to encourage Paul, and opened doors for us. It will all fall into place; I know it will! I just have to keep looking up!
The Bible and the devotionals on my phone have been a steady rock I've anchored to; they keep my thoughts from spiraling into negativity, help me to re-focus on the things worth thinking about - worth hoping for. I could still use a better attitude at times (ok, so most times!). And a lot of times, it feels like Paul and I are hanging on to love - and to each other - desperately and with both hands, to keep from having our marriage fall apart.
We try in the little things, in the simple things, to help each other and show each other love and support. And I try to wake up once I hear he's home to visit with him, hear him tell me all the details of his day, and spend some time - even if very brief - in conversation.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Mind Over Matter
It has not been an easy month.
I find myself exhausted all the time. I feel like I'm dragging from bed time to bed time. Not a whole lot gets me excited.
I think that it's something physical; I'm achy, my back and my abdomen hurt almost all the time, and my head hurts a lot too.
I also wonder if a good chunk of it is mental; I'm tired of the routine, slightly bored at my job... and I have to be there most of my day and then some. The kids spend so much of their time and energy trying to get into stuff they are not supposed to and by the time I deal with them I'm too tired to keep up. And I'm frustrated with the day in and day out routine.
Paul got a part-time job which involves a lot of evenings out of the house. And I admit I was spoiled; counting on his help every time I handle the kids. Now we just swap baby-sitting duties. So we each do the cleaning, the kid-keeping, and the cooking by ourselves. It's not fun. Although I will pull some great stories about things the kids did from times like these. When I can look back on them and laugh about it instead of cry because I have to clean up - again - and again, and again...
And I know it's not all that bad. At all. The kids are wonderful! And with God's help I've been able to do things to help me grow; school, dog shows, karate, etc. I'm finding the discipline to exercise, and I'm weaning off my dependency on soda and caffeine to function. So it really is all a mind over matter game; changing the way I think, which changes the way I perceive things, which changes the way I react.
I'm choosing to focus on being thankful (and the month of November helps with that!). I'm also reading his word, reading devotions, at morning and at night. The challenge is all the time in-between when I actually have to deal with difficult people or situations, but that's where prayer comes in. I pray that God will help me to remember what I read and to live by it.
His Word is so encouraging to me. It reminds me that He is not manipulative, or difficult to please. I don't have to play mind games with God, trying to earn His favor, wondering what He thinks of me. I can trust Him, trust His love for me, and know that He's not flaky. It's a sense of relief (physically and mentally), when I can just be myself, unwind, and know that it will all be ok.
He's encouraged me to stop trying to reconcile what I think I should be God's will to what is actually happening, because in my mind I'll never figure it out. I can't understand why things have led up to this point or where they are going. And though there is a sense of personal responsibility and accountability, I know that ultimately I'm just not that much in control. I don't have the power to do/undo what God has planned. So it's easier to trust Him. Break it down into bite-sized pieces, one day at a time... one moment at a time. Do my best today and then leave the outcome to the Lord. He is good. It will be ok.
I find myself exhausted all the time. I feel like I'm dragging from bed time to bed time. Not a whole lot gets me excited.
I think that it's something physical; I'm achy, my back and my abdomen hurt almost all the time, and my head hurts a lot too.
I also wonder if a good chunk of it is mental; I'm tired of the routine, slightly bored at my job... and I have to be there most of my day and then some. The kids spend so much of their time and energy trying to get into stuff they are not supposed to and by the time I deal with them I'm too tired to keep up. And I'm frustrated with the day in and day out routine.
Paul got a part-time job which involves a lot of evenings out of the house. And I admit I was spoiled; counting on his help every time I handle the kids. Now we just swap baby-sitting duties. So we each do the cleaning, the kid-keeping, and the cooking by ourselves. It's not fun. Although I will pull some great stories about things the kids did from times like these. When I can look back on them and laugh about it instead of cry because I have to clean up - again - and again, and again...
And I know it's not all that bad. At all. The kids are wonderful! And with God's help I've been able to do things to help me grow; school, dog shows, karate, etc. I'm finding the discipline to exercise, and I'm weaning off my dependency on soda and caffeine to function. So it really is all a mind over matter game; changing the way I think, which changes the way I perceive things, which changes the way I react.
I'm choosing to focus on being thankful (and the month of November helps with that!). I'm also reading his word, reading devotions, at morning and at night. The challenge is all the time in-between when I actually have to deal with difficult people or situations, but that's where prayer comes in. I pray that God will help me to remember what I read and to live by it.
His Word is so encouraging to me. It reminds me that He is not manipulative, or difficult to please. I don't have to play mind games with God, trying to earn His favor, wondering what He thinks of me. I can trust Him, trust His love for me, and know that He's not flaky. It's a sense of relief (physically and mentally), when I can just be myself, unwind, and know that it will all be ok.
He's encouraged me to stop trying to reconcile what I think I should be God's will to what is actually happening, because in my mind I'll never figure it out. I can't understand why things have led up to this point or where they are going. And though there is a sense of personal responsibility and accountability, I know that ultimately I'm just not that much in control. I don't have the power to do/undo what God has planned. So it's easier to trust Him. Break it down into bite-sized pieces, one day at a time... one moment at a time. Do my best today and then leave the outcome to the Lord. He is good. It will be ok.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Praising in the Storm
Literally praising in the storm... Except I'm indoors. It's been a few testing months, but I find myself with more faith than last month. Not much has changed while we wait for Paul to find a full-time job, but every interview gives us a little bit of hope when we get discouraged. And God has provided! So much! I can't help but be encouraged. He has given us so much, and has blessed us with very generous friends. We haven't been in need of anything, and things are getting paid.
Not to mention that God's blessings are intangible too. Encouragement. Hope. Friendship. Comfort. Laughs. I feel blessed even when the waiting feels long. I am reminded that we'll be ok when I start to despair.
The kiddos are growing like weeds and blessing us more and more (albeit, sometimes with patience as they exercise us beyond limit). Enjoying the joys of parenthood, although I also have to figure out how to potty train Caleb, and help Anakin with all of his activities (Karate, school, church...) while not letting our middle child (Brielle) feel neglected or bored.
I am hungry for personal growth in every area of my life but I haven't been able to do much. It seems that after work, feeding the kids, and then I'm mentally/emotionally/physically spent. Weeks come and go and I can't get past the routine. It's frustrating, but I know it won't always be this way. I will have time to go back to school. I will have energy to exercise. I will have the focus to do other things (such as blogging!). I just have to try it every day, and if I don't get to it, try it again the next day.
So that's where I'm at. No deep spiritual truth to reveal. No exciting experience to share. Just the hope that I'm alive and we're ok... God is good and faithful to us. And there are good things coming - this is the part I get tired of waiting for, but it's true - there are better things on the way. It's going to get better; it's going to be great!
Not to mention that God's blessings are intangible too. Encouragement. Hope. Friendship. Comfort. Laughs. I feel blessed even when the waiting feels long. I am reminded that we'll be ok when I start to despair.
The kiddos are growing like weeds and blessing us more and more (albeit, sometimes with patience as they exercise us beyond limit). Enjoying the joys of parenthood, although I also have to figure out how to potty train Caleb, and help Anakin with all of his activities (Karate, school, church...) while not letting our middle child (Brielle) feel neglected or bored.
I am hungry for personal growth in every area of my life but I haven't been able to do much. It seems that after work, feeding the kids, and then I'm mentally/emotionally/physically spent. Weeks come and go and I can't get past the routine. It's frustrating, but I know it won't always be this way. I will have time to go back to school. I will have energy to exercise. I will have the focus to do other things (such as blogging!). I just have to try it every day, and if I don't get to it, try it again the next day.
So that's where I'm at. No deep spiritual truth to reveal. No exciting experience to share. Just the hope that I'm alive and we're ok... God is good and faithful to us. And there are good things coming - this is the part I get tired of waiting for, but it's true - there are better things on the way. It's going to get better; it's going to be great!
Saturday, August 25, 2012
The "Patty Payne" Effect
I'm always particularly blessed in that I've met some amazing, inspiring women. There are quite a few that I'm always proud to know, that never cease to amaze me. I'd like to share a bit about one such woman and the ripple effect of her life.
Early this year she received the diagnosis that put everyone in shock. I was even more shock to find out it wasn't the first time. We were devastated, but optimistic. If anyone could face it - it was her!
You can read Patty's obituary by clicking here. I know her as Dr. Patricia Payne, or "Dr. Payne", although my co-workers called her "Patty" or "Momma Payne". I went to her memorial picnic today, and stood in a room full of people who were in awe of how amazing she was, just like I was.
I met Dr. Payne when I started working at Alaska Veterinary Clinic. My husband and kiddos met her too; we were the last ones to leave. Paul would come pick me up, and the kids would ask to use the restroom, and they always said "Hi!" It was at the end of very long, stressful days, that the few of us remaining would talk about our plans for the evening, or the weekend... Not knowing all the details of her life, I was always in shock because of all the things she did. She made quilts, and did a lot of sewing. She played the fiddle and toured with a band. She went to the gym. She did photography. She painted. And then she always thought of something else she wanted to do in the future.
She also took care of my pets, specially my Pepper, who was my little buddy. She understood and handled Pepper when no one else was willing to.
Early this year she received the diagnosis that put everyone in shock. I was even more shock to find out it wasn't the first time. We were devastated, but optimistic. If anyone could face it - it was her!
The week before she left for treatment the first time I asked her about Pepper's neurotic behavior, because she was having more symptoms than usual. She had me bring Pepper for an exam and saw her come unglued... and she knew that it didn't look too good for Pepper. She very frankly talked to me about Pepper; she was having severe neurological issues... We can attempt medications but much like with human mood-altering medications, if they don't work the results could be at the very least painful if not lethal. I'd never be able to trust Pepper with the kids and Dr. Payne was concerned for my family's safety. She said that if I asked her to, she would euthanize Pepper for me, although we attempted some bloodwork to see if we could find any clues to her behavior. I told Dr. Payne I would take care of Pepper but could not ask her to do it. That week, and that weekend, was so hard for me.
I took a lot of heat for having Pepper euthanized. I had people say some really hurtful things to me. What I could not disclose at that time is that this was Dr. Payne's recommendation. She was facing a terrible diagnosis herself; it wasn't something she said casually or took lightly! How could I, without breaking her confidence, explain why her opinion was that important to me? Had it been anyone else I would've never done it. We knew Dr. Payne, and her heart for animals, and for the people that belonged to them. I knew she cared about my family and even though it would be difficult for me to accept, she saw the big picture of my home and told me the truth.
Between rounds of chemo she would stop by the clinic and we would always be happy to see her. We tried to help as much as we could. Then we waited... and were disappointed... and waited some more. Always hopeful that a miracle would come along.
The process was difficult but the effect is inspiring. Because Patty was the kind of person that was constantly working on her "bucket list", before she got ill. It taught us to somehow do the same. The result is people taking pottery classes, joining a band, going back to school, trying something new... There's no way to better honor a woman like her than by taking a lesson from the way she lived. She believed you could do anything you wanted to do. She didn't believe in excuses for waiting. She saw life and nature as art and she could capture it and portray it. She was thankful for every day and she did not waste it. I was pleasantly surprised to learn today that she was also a fan of mythical stories like "Lord of the Rings". It made me think, "I want to be Dr. Payne when I grow up!" I think I remember telling her that too, sometime last year.
So, my bucket list? Here it goes:
- I want to learn how to show dogs and participate in dog sports.
- I want to learn how to play the guitar once and for all! (and I need a guitar)
- I want to get back into acting... maybe go back to college for a financially useless degree like Theatre or Performing Arts.
- I want to be a foster parent. (and I need a whole lot of prayer and a double dose of patience)
- I want to blog more... and do photography. Not for income per say, but to capture in pictures what I'm blogging about. (and I need a camera!)
- I want people to know what I believe. They don't have to like it. They don't have to agree with me. But if I ever pass away I want people to know without a shadow of a doubt that I believed in Jesus Christ, and His love for them, and that I love them too.
- I want to be blissfully, even insanely, optimistic and confident.
- I want to live my life in such a way that, at the end of my days, people are as inspired by my life as we are by hers.
Monday, July 2, 2012
The Shattering
Everything just takes me a week or two to process, longer if I have a hard time looking at the screen (such as today, when my sinuses are a mess and my eyes are goopy and runny!).
I love sharing the things that God is doing. I love it more because He is doing, and that is exciting!
So I have to share that since the last blog, I fell into this funk that I could not explain. And it came so quietly that it took me forever to realize it was there. Ever had a bad week? When I tried my best, it was thrown back in my face. Even when I was being nice to other people, it was rejected. I was so disappointed. If there was anything I could count on, was that things would go wrong.
Paul was having one of those weeks too.
It wasn't until a few Sundays ago at church, it finally dawned on me that it had to have been more than just a "funk", or a stroke of bad luck. I realized it when I was trying to figure out how to describe it, so I can share it as a prayer request: It felt like I was stuck in a glass box, that basically said, "YOU ARE NOT MOVING. NOT FORWARD, NOT UP." It was oppression in every direction (in my home, at my job, in my dreams and personal goals, our finances, my prayer life, etc). Once I found the words for it, I realized that this was in no way from God, as I somehow thought....
... Maybe the Lord doesn't want Paul to find a job right now...
... Maybe God wants me to put those plans aside for a while...
... Maybe right now is not the time for our family to be involved at church...
I payed attention during Sunday School that morning, because it was a real good lesson (about how Jesus is "The Man", and we can't place our confidence and hope only on our spouses/significant others for fulfillment because they will disappoint us - even when they try their best. Only Jesus can make us complete and make everything right!) But I didn't share the prayer request.
I went to church and just got ready to praise. I had started singing in the praise and worship team, but due to having that kind of week (and that kind of Sunday), we got there too late to practice and I didn't join them. Which was fine, I still sang my little heart out from the pew anyways.
I started to pray for God to lift the funk, so to speak. I prayed and sang, still not quite finding the right words, until I found myself asking God for help just to pray for the help itself! Around this point the Holy Spirit was falling in the sanctuary (Christianese, Pentecostal-nese, ask me later if you want to understand what this means), and I had a vision and a revelation of a piece of Scripture that I'm sure I read before but I didn't grasp back then:
Daniel’s Vision of a Messenger (Daniel ch. 10)
1 In the third year of the reign of King Cyrus of Persia,[a] Daniel (also known as Belteshazzar) had another vision. He understood that the vision concerned events certain to happen in the future—times of war and great hardship.
2 When this vision came to me, I, Daniel, had been in mourning for three whole weeks. 3 All that time I had eaten no rich food. No meat or wine crossed my lips, and I used no fragrant lotions until those three weeks had passed.
4 On April 23,[b] as I was standing on the bank of the great Tigris River, 5 I looked up and saw a man dressed in linen clothing, with a belt of pure gold around his waist. 6 His body looked like a precious gem. His face flashed like lightning, and his eyes flamed like torches. His arms and feet shone like polished bronze, and his voice roared like a vast multitude of people.
7 Only I, Daniel, saw this vision. The men with me saw nothing, but they were suddenly terrified and ran away to hide. 8 So I was left there all alone to see this amazing vision. My strength left me, my face grew deathly pale, and I felt very weak. 9 Then I heard the man speak, and when I heard the sound of his voice, I fainted and lay there with my face to the ground.
10 Just then a hand touched me and lifted me, still trembling, to my hands and knees. 11 And the man said to me, “Daniel, you are very precious to God, so listen carefully to what I have to say to you. Stand up, for I have been sent to you.” When he said this to me, I stood up, still trembling.
12 Then he said, “Don’t be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day you began to pray for understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your request has been heard in heaven. I have come in answer to your prayer. 13 But for twenty-one days the spirit prince[c] of the kingdom of Persia blocked my way. Then Michael, one of the archangels,[d] came to help me, and I left him there with the spirit prince of the kingdom of Persia.[e] 14 Now I am here to explain what will happen to your people in the future, for this vision concerns a time yet to come.”
15 While he was speaking to me, I looked down at the ground, unable to say a word. 16 Then the one who looked like a man[f] touched my lips, and I opened my mouth and began to speak. I said to the one standing in front of me, “I am filled with anguish because of the vision I have seen, my lord, and I am very weak. 17 How can someone like me, your servant, talk to you, my lord? My strength is gone, and I can hardly breathe.”
18 Then the one who looked like a man touched me again, and I felt my strength returning.
God, who made me with a cinematic brain (everything in my head has a story, an image, and a song behind it all at once. Ever see me bopping my head side to side? Yup, that's me... walking to my own theme song in my head), showed me this verse - which I have not read this year at least - like a movie preview (with epic music like The Lord of The Rings). In my head while I was praying.
So now it's war. I guess it's always been war, but I haven't always discerned it that way because it's easier not to. Now I'm praying for God to send angels to fight against the spirit that is oppressing our home and blocking God's answer to prayer - a shadowy figure I can now see in my head as clear as day, standing in our front yard. And I am on my knees praying.
I know at some point I had other sisters pray for me, nothing that I remember well enough to share right now. But at this point I was on my knees, seeing the shadowy thingy in our yard, seeing our living room clear as if I was home. I see light come in the living room and shine bright, fill the home, and explode - I'm seeing the windows of my house exploding outwardly under this divine release of I don't know what, but it's ok. And in that precise moment, in a way that could've only been synchronized by the very Spirit of God, my dear sister Valerie kneels next to me and prays, and I almost quote, "Lord, I pray right now that Your presence would shatter every stronghold that the enemy may have set up against this family..."
This was also the same Sunday that two loved ones at church gave Paul a gift. And it wasn't a gift for gifting's sake, but they both said specifically that they "wanted to invest into Paul's ministry and what God is going to do through Paul" by giving him an acoustic guitar, with electric plug in, a hard case, and a stand. In worldly terms, that would be considered random. He'd only played the guitar once or twice before with the worship team, primarily because they are not in need of a bassist, which is Paul's forte. And he had practiced a song that we wanted to do as an offering sometime the following month.
From then to now, we are still fighting. But the Lord is doing something, so we are not losing. Still praying. Still waiting. Reading through the gospel with the kiddos.
But Paul has had 2 job leads since then that he applied for today.
And as far as everything else, I have no control over the state of mind and heart of anyone else but myself. Which means half of my previous problems are no longer mine, because it's THEIR problem. I just keep doing my best and giving of my best, hoping for the best, and let the effects of that fall where it may. I can't take everything personally any more, it's a huge distraction! So I regret to inform you that your mood will no longer dictate my environment.
God is doing something. There was a shattering of that dark-cloud, pity party mentality. And might I share that in the month of June, w/ Paul being unemployed, and not getting foodstamps or WIC, we paid off our car insurance, our renter's insurance, an extra $100 on our student loans, and another $400 in debt - while being current on rent and having food, diapers, and gas. God's people blessed us with prayer, but not with money (although Linda and Duane did put gas in our car so we could go to family camp with the church). In the Name above all Names, Paul received unemployment compensation that he technically could NOT have gotten and it did not run out all month. I would pay bills, check our balance, still had funds. Pay more stuff, still had funds. He did it, He does it, we just stand by and praise. And I'm trusting Him for the month of July too, no worries there.
I love sharing the things that God is doing. I love it more because He is doing, and that is exciting!
So I have to share that since the last blog, I fell into this funk that I could not explain. And it came so quietly that it took me forever to realize it was there. Ever had a bad week? When I tried my best, it was thrown back in my face. Even when I was being nice to other people, it was rejected. I was so disappointed. If there was anything I could count on, was that things would go wrong.
Paul was having one of those weeks too.
It wasn't until a few Sundays ago at church, it finally dawned on me that it had to have been more than just a "funk", or a stroke of bad luck. I realized it when I was trying to figure out how to describe it, so I can share it as a prayer request: It felt like I was stuck in a glass box, that basically said, "YOU ARE NOT MOVING. NOT FORWARD, NOT UP." It was oppression in every direction (in my home, at my job, in my dreams and personal goals, our finances, my prayer life, etc). Once I found the words for it, I realized that this was in no way from God, as I somehow thought....
... Maybe the Lord doesn't want Paul to find a job right now...
... Maybe God wants me to put those plans aside for a while...
... Maybe right now is not the time for our family to be involved at church...
I payed attention during Sunday School that morning, because it was a real good lesson (about how Jesus is "The Man", and we can't place our confidence and hope only on our spouses/significant others for fulfillment because they will disappoint us - even when they try their best. Only Jesus can make us complete and make everything right!) But I didn't share the prayer request.
I went to church and just got ready to praise. I had started singing in the praise and worship team, but due to having that kind of week (and that kind of Sunday), we got there too late to practice and I didn't join them. Which was fine, I still sang my little heart out from the pew anyways.
I started to pray for God to lift the funk, so to speak. I prayed and sang, still not quite finding the right words, until I found myself asking God for help just to pray for the help itself! Around this point the Holy Spirit was falling in the sanctuary (Christianese, Pentecostal-nese, ask me later if you want to understand what this means), and I had a vision and a revelation of a piece of Scripture that I'm sure I read before but I didn't grasp back then:
Daniel’s Vision of a Messenger (Daniel ch. 10)
1 In the third year of the reign of King Cyrus of Persia,[a] Daniel (also known as Belteshazzar) had another vision. He understood that the vision concerned events certain to happen in the future—times of war and great hardship.
2 When this vision came to me, I, Daniel, had been in mourning for three whole weeks. 3 All that time I had eaten no rich food. No meat or wine crossed my lips, and I used no fragrant lotions until those three weeks had passed.
4 On April 23,[b] as I was standing on the bank of the great Tigris River, 5 I looked up and saw a man dressed in linen clothing, with a belt of pure gold around his waist. 6 His body looked like a precious gem. His face flashed like lightning, and his eyes flamed like torches. His arms and feet shone like polished bronze, and his voice roared like a vast multitude of people.
7 Only I, Daniel, saw this vision. The men with me saw nothing, but they were suddenly terrified and ran away to hide. 8 So I was left there all alone to see this amazing vision. My strength left me, my face grew deathly pale, and I felt very weak. 9 Then I heard the man speak, and when I heard the sound of his voice, I fainted and lay there with my face to the ground.
10 Just then a hand touched me and lifted me, still trembling, to my hands and knees. 11 And the man said to me, “Daniel, you are very precious to God, so listen carefully to what I have to say to you. Stand up, for I have been sent to you.” When he said this to me, I stood up, still trembling.
12 Then he said, “Don’t be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day you began to pray for understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your request has been heard in heaven. I have come in answer to your prayer. 13 But for twenty-one days the spirit prince[c] of the kingdom of Persia blocked my way. Then Michael, one of the archangels,[d] came to help me, and I left him there with the spirit prince of the kingdom of Persia.[e] 14 Now I am here to explain what will happen to your people in the future, for this vision concerns a time yet to come.”
15 While he was speaking to me, I looked down at the ground, unable to say a word. 16 Then the one who looked like a man[f] touched my lips, and I opened my mouth and began to speak. I said to the one standing in front of me, “I am filled with anguish because of the vision I have seen, my lord, and I am very weak. 17 How can someone like me, your servant, talk to you, my lord? My strength is gone, and I can hardly breathe.”
18 Then the one who looked like a man touched me again, and I felt my strength returning.
God, who made me with a cinematic brain (everything in my head has a story, an image, and a song behind it all at once. Ever see me bopping my head side to side? Yup, that's me... walking to my own theme song in my head), showed me this verse - which I have not read this year at least - like a movie preview (with epic music like The Lord of The Rings). In my head while I was praying.
So now it's war. I guess it's always been war, but I haven't always discerned it that way because it's easier not to. Now I'm praying for God to send angels to fight against the spirit that is oppressing our home and blocking God's answer to prayer - a shadowy figure I can now see in my head as clear as day, standing in our front yard. And I am on my knees praying.
I know at some point I had other sisters pray for me, nothing that I remember well enough to share right now. But at this point I was on my knees, seeing the shadowy thingy in our yard, seeing our living room clear as if I was home. I see light come in the living room and shine bright, fill the home, and explode - I'm seeing the windows of my house exploding outwardly under this divine release of I don't know what, but it's ok. And in that precise moment, in a way that could've only been synchronized by the very Spirit of God, my dear sister Valerie kneels next to me and prays, and I almost quote, "Lord, I pray right now that Your presence would shatter every stronghold that the enemy may have set up against this family..."
This was also the same Sunday that two loved ones at church gave Paul a gift. And it wasn't a gift for gifting's sake, but they both said specifically that they "wanted to invest into Paul's ministry and what God is going to do through Paul" by giving him an acoustic guitar, with electric plug in, a hard case, and a stand. In worldly terms, that would be considered random. He'd only played the guitar once or twice before with the worship team, primarily because they are not in need of a bassist, which is Paul's forte. And he had practiced a song that we wanted to do as an offering sometime the following month.
From then to now, we are still fighting. But the Lord is doing something, so we are not losing. Still praying. Still waiting. Reading through the gospel with the kiddos.
But Paul has had 2 job leads since then that he applied for today.
And as far as everything else, I have no control over the state of mind and heart of anyone else but myself. Which means half of my previous problems are no longer mine, because it's THEIR problem. I just keep doing my best and giving of my best, hoping for the best, and let the effects of that fall where it may. I can't take everything personally any more, it's a huge distraction! So I regret to inform you that your mood will no longer dictate my environment.
God is doing something. There was a shattering of that dark-cloud, pity party mentality. And might I share that in the month of June, w/ Paul being unemployed, and not getting foodstamps or WIC, we paid off our car insurance, our renter's insurance, an extra $100 on our student loans, and another $400 in debt - while being current on rent and having food, diapers, and gas. God's people blessed us with prayer, but not with money (although Linda and Duane did put gas in our car so we could go to family camp with the church). In the Name above all Names, Paul received unemployment compensation that he technically could NOT have gotten and it did not run out all month. I would pay bills, check our balance, still had funds. Pay more stuff, still had funds. He did it, He does it, we just stand by and praise. And I'm trusting Him for the month of July too, no worries there.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Surrender.
It has been an awesome night. I haven't been able to fall asleep, but I read the Bible and did devotional with the kiddos and with the hubby. Feeding on God's Word to our heart's content.
I am learning to chill out, although occasionally the neurotic side of me surfaces. I find myself more at peace the more I stop struggling for control; specially since I have no control anyways. Learning to surrender is difficult; I always thought it meant weakness. I had a hard time with songs that expressed surrendering to God because I thought it meant I was giving up, I lost the fight, and was finally dragging to do whatever it is God wants me to do.
The more I read God's Word, and our Sunday School lesson, the more I realize that there are a lot of things I considered weakness or was ashamed of that really ... aren't. Like the fact that I am sensitive and take things personally - where the world would say to just "shrug it off and deal with it like a man", I'm learning I don't have to accept it. Or the gentleness in wanting to just stay home and cuddle with my children. It's interesting how I've spent the past 6 years seeking jobs and professional advancement because I was misled into believing that I would be worthless if I just "stayed at home to be a mom", and because I didn't finish a college degree I was misled into believing that I had to compensate for that by getting very challenging, very active jobs... to somehow earn my value. And now I realize that my children could never afford to pay me what they value me; to them I'm priceless. Being a stay-at-home mom is the job I want with every fiber of my being and I'm in no place, shape, or form to transition to that place on my own.
It's hard to not call the shots on my own. I have to wait and depend on Paul, and on God, to settle Paul in a job before I can transition away from mine, and we might have to wait a year or two, or maybe even more, before we are in that place financially. But yet this is God's design for marriage; if I could do everything on my own, truly be a one woman show, I would have no relationship with Paul or with my Savior. I'm not saying He places us in situations of need so He could have the advantage over us and we'd finally need Him. I'm saying that the fact that I am dependent on God and on my husband is by no means weakness on my part.
Because that is what I learned: that a husband ties you down. That I'm somehow ruining my life by not calling my own shots; that Paul should either get with the program or move on. This is the mindset that I am unlearning, because my husband IS trustworthy - I can depend on him, and wait on him as we both wait on God to work in the both of us what He wants to accomplish during this trial.
Timing is everything. Growth is everything. At least Paul and I are growing more together instead of apart. I've seen a lot of couples grow apart; I've seen plenty of women drive their husbands away in their quest to "do it all" because submission and surrender is so taboo in this post-feminist culture.
When I know that Paul loves me and the kids, and loves God, and will always seek our GOOD, I can trust Him enough to surrender. It's not scary or weak, or intimidating. There is no concern that he will fail me or hurt me; and even when his strength fails, I know we are both relying on God - who never fails.
I learned that the surrender that God wants is not this picture of defeat, weakness, and shame - where we are dragged away to his service only mildly voluntarily, only because we lost. The image of the surrender that God wants is like... a man or woman enlisting in the US Military; it's a declaration that says, "I will offer my strengths and my talents in dedication to serve You." We wouldn't consider a soldier weak, or defeated.
My concept of surrender is declaring to God that I will give Him the best of my efforts, and with all of my heart pursue what He has for me, my family, and His kingdom here on earth. I will stop trying to always do what I want and I will seek what He wants instead and give it my all, trusting Him and obeying Him. It means I can't be weak, or defeated, because in that position there isn't much I can offer Him - rather I have to be strong, at my best, and constantly refining myself towards Holiness. It means I'm on His team, and it's a good thing too, because I can't do any of this on my own strength.
And it's the same thing when I submit to Paul in our marriage; it doesn't mean he bosses me around, it means I'm willing to be his partner and follow the play he feels would better help us win the game. It means in being my best, my strongest, I am doing so in cooperation with (not dominance of) him, and vice-versa.
I am learning that both of us need to offer our voices in prayer, in praise, and in teaching the ways of God to our children. I've always known that I can't teach Anakin to be a man, and Paul can't teach Brielle to be woman, and so we both need each other to raise our kids. While I give kuddos to all the single moms out there who raise good boys, I point out that those moms were not raising their children fatherless because God is their heavenly Father and their helpmate. Just because we find ways to survive in crisis doesn't mean that it is healthy or normal to live a life out of balance. And that doesn't mean that moms who have only boys are useless in their upbringing, because how else do boys learn to value and respect women if it's not through the influence of their mother? It's not one or the other, it's both, in teamwork, that equips our sons and daughters to be men and women of God.
And so now what I have to focus on this week is: what are my strengths? If I rely only on my job, I feel useless most of the time. I suppose I have strengths - and I'm not waiting to discover what those are through employment. What does a strong me look like? And I want to know what it looks like in being feminine. For the past few years I felt more like a pack mule or an ox than a woman; bearing kids, nursing them, working my rear end off, going to sleep, and starting again. I am not just some industrious machine that's only valuable based on the results I can produce. I am a woman (drawn from a man), and female (in God's image). There are qualities about me as female that reflect the qualities of God; it's my job to find them, harness them, and use them with my family, my church, and all around my sphere of influence.
I feel lost, but not hopeless, and yet I feel I'm going in the right direction - though I don't know what I'm looking for.
♪♫ From my heart to the heavens
Jesus be the center
It's all about You - yes, it's all about You ♪♫
I am learning to chill out, although occasionally the neurotic side of me surfaces. I find myself more at peace the more I stop struggling for control; specially since I have no control anyways. Learning to surrender is difficult; I always thought it meant weakness. I had a hard time with songs that expressed surrendering to God because I thought it meant I was giving up, I lost the fight, and was finally dragging to do whatever it is God wants me to do.
The more I read God's Word, and our Sunday School lesson, the more I realize that there are a lot of things I considered weakness or was ashamed of that really ... aren't. Like the fact that I am sensitive and take things personally - where the world would say to just "shrug it off and deal with it like a man", I'm learning I don't have to accept it. Or the gentleness in wanting to just stay home and cuddle with my children. It's interesting how I've spent the past 6 years seeking jobs and professional advancement because I was misled into believing that I would be worthless if I just "stayed at home to be a mom", and because I didn't finish a college degree I was misled into believing that I had to compensate for that by getting very challenging, very active jobs... to somehow earn my value. And now I realize that my children could never afford to pay me what they value me; to them I'm priceless. Being a stay-at-home mom is the job I want with every fiber of my being and I'm in no place, shape, or form to transition to that place on my own.
It's hard to not call the shots on my own. I have to wait and depend on Paul, and on God, to settle Paul in a job before I can transition away from mine, and we might have to wait a year or two, or maybe even more, before we are in that place financially. But yet this is God's design for marriage; if I could do everything on my own, truly be a one woman show, I would have no relationship with Paul or with my Savior. I'm not saying He places us in situations of need so He could have the advantage over us and we'd finally need Him. I'm saying that the fact that I am dependent on God and on my husband is by no means weakness on my part.
Because that is what I learned: that a husband ties you down. That I'm somehow ruining my life by not calling my own shots; that Paul should either get with the program or move on. This is the mindset that I am unlearning, because my husband IS trustworthy - I can depend on him, and wait on him as we both wait on God to work in the both of us what He wants to accomplish during this trial.
Timing is everything. Growth is everything. At least Paul and I are growing more together instead of apart. I've seen a lot of couples grow apart; I've seen plenty of women drive their husbands away in their quest to "do it all" because submission and surrender is so taboo in this post-feminist culture.
When I know that Paul loves me and the kids, and loves God, and will always seek our GOOD, I can trust Him enough to surrender. It's not scary or weak, or intimidating. There is no concern that he will fail me or hurt me; and even when his strength fails, I know we are both relying on God - who never fails.
I learned that the surrender that God wants is not this picture of defeat, weakness, and shame - where we are dragged away to his service only mildly voluntarily, only because we lost. The image of the surrender that God wants is like... a man or woman enlisting in the US Military; it's a declaration that says, "I will offer my strengths and my talents in dedication to serve You." We wouldn't consider a soldier weak, or defeated.
My concept of surrender is declaring to God that I will give Him the best of my efforts, and with all of my heart pursue what He has for me, my family, and His kingdom here on earth. I will stop trying to always do what I want and I will seek what He wants instead and give it my all, trusting Him and obeying Him. It means I can't be weak, or defeated, because in that position there isn't much I can offer Him - rather I have to be strong, at my best, and constantly refining myself towards Holiness. It means I'm on His team, and it's a good thing too, because I can't do any of this on my own strength.
And it's the same thing when I submit to Paul in our marriage; it doesn't mean he bosses me around, it means I'm willing to be his partner and follow the play he feels would better help us win the game. It means in being my best, my strongest, I am doing so in cooperation with (not dominance of) him, and vice-versa.
I am learning that both of us need to offer our voices in prayer, in praise, and in teaching the ways of God to our children. I've always known that I can't teach Anakin to be a man, and Paul can't teach Brielle to be woman, and so we both need each other to raise our kids. While I give kuddos to all the single moms out there who raise good boys, I point out that those moms were not raising their children fatherless because God is their heavenly Father and their helpmate. Just because we find ways to survive in crisis doesn't mean that it is healthy or normal to live a life out of balance. And that doesn't mean that moms who have only boys are useless in their upbringing, because how else do boys learn to value and respect women if it's not through the influence of their mother? It's not one or the other, it's both, in teamwork, that equips our sons and daughters to be men and women of God.
And so now what I have to focus on this week is: what are my strengths? If I rely only on my job, I feel useless most of the time. I suppose I have strengths - and I'm not waiting to discover what those are through employment. What does a strong me look like? And I want to know what it looks like in being feminine. For the past few years I felt more like a pack mule or an ox than a woman; bearing kids, nursing them, working my rear end off, going to sleep, and starting again. I am not just some industrious machine that's only valuable based on the results I can produce. I am a woman (drawn from a man), and female (in God's image). There are qualities about me as female that reflect the qualities of God; it's my job to find them, harness them, and use them with my family, my church, and all around my sphere of influence.
I feel lost, but not hopeless, and yet I feel I'm going in the right direction - though I don't know what I'm looking for.
♪♫ From my heart to the heavens
Jesus be the center
It's all about You - yes, it's all about You ♪♫
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Putting my money where my mouth is...
Easier said than done!
I have struggled this week with the disappointment and frustration of... nothing happening. I can't see if God is doing something IN Paul or not, but it just hasn't felt like He's done anything around us. And in despair I've cried out, "Why?!"
Why would God give us 3 children we can't consistently provide for?!
Why would God allow Paul to get laid off the very week I was recovering from surgery?!
Why is Paul the one home with the kids and I'm the one working (every time)!?
Why would God give Paul the dream of being in the medical field, and we put him through medical assisting school as a start, if he can't work as a CMA?! Why would we be paying on a student loan in a career that Paul is not practicing!?
Beyond this, I re-visited old hatreds... Sheer anger against the Lieutenant, Tech Sargent, Master Sargent, and Staff Sargent at Tinker... I remember their faces and their names and I revisited everything they did to us and every thing they said to us and I could throw flaming darts at their eyeballs if I had a device that would print images from my memory. Specially when the enemy brings out a sense of failure because we didn't stay in the military... and I feel frustrated because we didn't really have a choice... and I just wish these people would get deployed to real combat zones more often than other soldiers for whom I have a deep respect.
I re-visited the anger from a church we used to attend where 2 individuals hurt us so bad it set us back years financially, emotionally, and spiritually... and it wasn't until we moved 6000 miles and 3 time zones away that Paul and I finally found our healing and the strength to get back up again... and the love for the church again.
And it totally doesn't help when well-intentioned people try to encourage you sometimes. Because they've encouraged Paul to give up on medical assisting and just get a retail job anywhere. And they've encouraged Paul to "do better" (as if he was just half-assing it) at future jobs. And what they don't realize is what they are implying. I have to stand by Paul and say that he didn't sabotage his new job, he was giving his best. It didn't work out. If you knew Paul, you'd see that this is his gift - and he is good at this. I don't think it's helpful, although your heart is in the right place, to tell Paul he needs to give up on his dream for the sake of just providing. We have a Provider, He hasn't fallen asleep on the job, thank you very much!
And he didn't sabotage a career in the military. I've looked and read his PIF from front to end. There was nothing ill they could say about him other than to give him a "general discharge under honorable conditions". Because they couldn't put that he would not tolerate other soldiers in his group telling him they would come "bang me" and then "have me make tacos" while he was in Iraq and I lived on-base. Paul was an active member of Airmen Against Drunk Driving and I'm sure saved a couple of lives on the weekends he woke up at 3am to pick up some drunk guy in a bar somewhere and take him home safely. He was on the honor guard and participated in a few funerals where he helped give honor and respect to fallen soldiers. He's not in the military any more, perhaps because God has other plans... I've made my peace with God in the matter and accepted the way He has moved us; it's the only way I can forgive and let go of the people who made our lives at Tinker AFB a sleepless nightmare. Don't have me re-visit that.
But then there's the FAA, and UPS... I know these were more well-intentioned attempts at helping our family with the grave consequences of just doing something w/o asking God if it was His will. We were putting our efforts into something God did not have for us, we did not let God do what He wanted to work out, and there went 2 years where we did not make any progress in our walk with God or our purpose for being in Alaska. But, bring up Paul's unemployment, and I can think of a couple of names of people who work at both these places whom I'd like to meet in a restaurant so I can punch them in the face.
Well, in this trap, I'm void of self-confidence. I felt so discouraged I could not take a single step in my Mary Kay business... I don't want to talk to people, I want to withdraw. I'd rather not leave my room, let alone go out there and try to DO something. And I must've not been doing the greatest at my job, though I was doing my best... but maybe my best isn't good enough in this work field because it requires giftings I just don't have. I try as hard as I can to overcome my weaknesses, but at the end of the day I have to play on my strengths instead or I'll be completely useless. I hate this funk.
In the meantime, I'm not with my kids, and when I see them I'm too tired for them, and I count down the minutes to bed-time because I'm just trying to sleep through this season and get it over with.
Either way, here we are. Three years now in Alaska and we haven't moved back home. I asked Paul if we should start making plans to move back home and he doesn't feel it's time yet. So I guess we'll be around still.
But God is so good, and I know without a shadow of a doubt I'm at the church I need to be to go through this trial, plugged in with the friendships that I need to have in order to keep my head up. And God is doing something good - I know I just blogged entirely from the flesh, and it wasn't very God-inspiring, but I'm not done! I'm just showing you where I am in the natural. But as I wrestle with this, God shows up - and the peace that surpasses all understanding guards my heart. It may be after I cry real hot tears through clenched teeth and quite frankly, a clenched heart. But He is full of grace and He does not let you go.
I was listening today to older, wiser women in my Sunday School class, breaking away from society's standards to share how God had established their household. I was encouraged by a woman who supports her household financially and her husband stays home. Their lives are not out of balance... in fact, she said God had blessed them. She shared that that was their "family plan", and God was working through it, and moving in their lives, and what other people thought didn't matter. And I listened intently because I needed to hear that. I needed to wash away the stigma, the negativity, the discouragement... the lies from the enemy. I needed to learn how to offer healing and encouragement to my husband in our situation, and how to defeat the guilt and condemnation that Satan is trying to bind him with in hopes of pulling us away from Kingdom work.
It goes back to my previous blog of fighting like a girl; declaring the praises of God and His truth in the midst of the battle, dancin' like we've already won, and putting the enemy to flight so that Paul could drive him out and I can divide the plunder. It's a hard visual to process, it's deeply prophetic and will not make any sense in the natural. But if I can't cheer my husband and my family on, if I can't praise and worship God and establish that faith-based ambiance in my home... then Satan has won.
There was another wonderful, immensely beautiful lady from my Sunday School class who asked me to just open up my hands and have them cupped open in expectancy. Which was prophetic also because she didn't know how I cried and prayed just a few nights ago and told God that my heart was clenched as tight as my fists. All weekend long, in my dreams, God was telling me to open my hands. I was fussing with Him and telling Him HE had to open His hands first to bless us (how dare I? hehehe I can't help but laugh out loud at my orneriness). So here she is, with a smile, telling me to open my hands... I fought with Paul and the kids all morning, we were late to practice, I was furious at Paul for it.... but I have to open my hands...
When I do, she pours out from this candy tin a bunch of paper butterflies, which she cut out herself off scrap paper, and she tells me that "these are the promises of God. They are beautiful, and they are good, and they are for you to hold on to and see the beautiful things that God is doing in the midst of the difficult." I held my composure pretty well. The butterflies are so little and cute and there was a tin full of them in my hand. Nevermind the fact I had told Paul at the Renaissance fair how I loved butterflies and it was probably the only girly thing about me.
I was already being ministered to and the service had not even started. Through tears and fussing with the kids some more and the awe of what was happening I learned that the guest speaker today was a preacher named Alan from Scotland. He had a strong Scottish accent and I believe he spoke slower than usual to make sure we understood what He was saying. And what he spoke to me is that God is always working in us; God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit... through seasons, and transitions, because He is working out His prognosis for us. He sees our sick condition, our brokenness, and has a blueprint in place to heal us - more than just accepting Christ as Lord and Savior, but to make us complete and whole, so we can build God's kingdom. And the more we surrender to the Lord as he dissects us personally (and very privately, thank God!), the quicker we can move from a trying season to a place and time where we are being effective for God's kingdom.
I also learned at church that I need to drink more water, dance more, and blog more.
It's hard to put all this out there, I've been mulling it over in and out of sleep this afternoon, between a fever, a migraine, and a runny nose. I haven't been much of a wife and mom today. But if I don't write down what God has done then I'll miss it; it'll slip through my memory, I'll forget it... I won't build on it, I won't receive and appropriate it for my life. I'll miss the point. I can't miss the point.
I have struggled this week with the disappointment and frustration of... nothing happening. I can't see if God is doing something IN Paul or not, but it just hasn't felt like He's done anything around us. And in despair I've cried out, "Why?!"
Why would God give us 3 children we can't consistently provide for?!
Why would God allow Paul to get laid off the very week I was recovering from surgery?!
Why is Paul the one home with the kids and I'm the one working (every time)!?
Why would God give Paul the dream of being in the medical field, and we put him through medical assisting school as a start, if he can't work as a CMA?! Why would we be paying on a student loan in a career that Paul is not practicing!?
Beyond this, I re-visited old hatreds... Sheer anger against the Lieutenant, Tech Sargent, Master Sargent, and Staff Sargent at Tinker... I remember their faces and their names and I revisited everything they did to us and every thing they said to us and I could throw flaming darts at their eyeballs if I had a device that would print images from my memory. Specially when the enemy brings out a sense of failure because we didn't stay in the military... and I feel frustrated because we didn't really have a choice... and I just wish these people would get deployed to real combat zones more often than other soldiers for whom I have a deep respect.
I re-visited the anger from a church we used to attend where 2 individuals hurt us so bad it set us back years financially, emotionally, and spiritually... and it wasn't until we moved 6000 miles and 3 time zones away that Paul and I finally found our healing and the strength to get back up again... and the love for the church again.
And it totally doesn't help when well-intentioned people try to encourage you sometimes. Because they've encouraged Paul to give up on medical assisting and just get a retail job anywhere. And they've encouraged Paul to "do better" (as if he was just half-assing it) at future jobs. And what they don't realize is what they are implying. I have to stand by Paul and say that he didn't sabotage his new job, he was giving his best. It didn't work out. If you knew Paul, you'd see that this is his gift - and he is good at this. I don't think it's helpful, although your heart is in the right place, to tell Paul he needs to give up on his dream for the sake of just providing. We have a Provider, He hasn't fallen asleep on the job, thank you very much!
And he didn't sabotage a career in the military. I've looked and read his PIF from front to end. There was nothing ill they could say about him other than to give him a "general discharge under honorable conditions". Because they couldn't put that he would not tolerate other soldiers in his group telling him they would come "bang me" and then "have me make tacos" while he was in Iraq and I lived on-base. Paul was an active member of Airmen Against Drunk Driving and I'm sure saved a couple of lives on the weekends he woke up at 3am to pick up some drunk guy in a bar somewhere and take him home safely. He was on the honor guard and participated in a few funerals where he helped give honor and respect to fallen soldiers. He's not in the military any more, perhaps because God has other plans... I've made my peace with God in the matter and accepted the way He has moved us; it's the only way I can forgive and let go of the people who made our lives at Tinker AFB a sleepless nightmare. Don't have me re-visit that.
But then there's the FAA, and UPS... I know these were more well-intentioned attempts at helping our family with the grave consequences of just doing something w/o asking God if it was His will. We were putting our efforts into something God did not have for us, we did not let God do what He wanted to work out, and there went 2 years where we did not make any progress in our walk with God or our purpose for being in Alaska. But, bring up Paul's unemployment, and I can think of a couple of names of people who work at both these places whom I'd like to meet in a restaurant so I can punch them in the face.
Well, in this trap, I'm void of self-confidence. I felt so discouraged I could not take a single step in my Mary Kay business... I don't want to talk to people, I want to withdraw. I'd rather not leave my room, let alone go out there and try to DO something. And I must've not been doing the greatest at my job, though I was doing my best... but maybe my best isn't good enough in this work field because it requires giftings I just don't have. I try as hard as I can to overcome my weaknesses, but at the end of the day I have to play on my strengths instead or I'll be completely useless. I hate this funk.
In the meantime, I'm not with my kids, and when I see them I'm too tired for them, and I count down the minutes to bed-time because I'm just trying to sleep through this season and get it over with.
Either way, here we are. Three years now in Alaska and we haven't moved back home. I asked Paul if we should start making plans to move back home and he doesn't feel it's time yet. So I guess we'll be around still.
But God is so good, and I know without a shadow of a doubt I'm at the church I need to be to go through this trial, plugged in with the friendships that I need to have in order to keep my head up. And God is doing something good - I know I just blogged entirely from the flesh, and it wasn't very God-inspiring, but I'm not done! I'm just showing you where I am in the natural. But as I wrestle with this, God shows up - and the peace that surpasses all understanding guards my heart. It may be after I cry real hot tears through clenched teeth and quite frankly, a clenched heart. But He is full of grace and He does not let you go.
I was listening today to older, wiser women in my Sunday School class, breaking away from society's standards to share how God had established their household. I was encouraged by a woman who supports her household financially and her husband stays home. Their lives are not out of balance... in fact, she said God had blessed them. She shared that that was their "family plan", and God was working through it, and moving in their lives, and what other people thought didn't matter. And I listened intently because I needed to hear that. I needed to wash away the stigma, the negativity, the discouragement... the lies from the enemy. I needed to learn how to offer healing and encouragement to my husband in our situation, and how to defeat the guilt and condemnation that Satan is trying to bind him with in hopes of pulling us away from Kingdom work.
It goes back to my previous blog of fighting like a girl; declaring the praises of God and His truth in the midst of the battle, dancin' like we've already won, and putting the enemy to flight so that Paul could drive him out and I can divide the plunder. It's a hard visual to process, it's deeply prophetic and will not make any sense in the natural. But if I can't cheer my husband and my family on, if I can't praise and worship God and establish that faith-based ambiance in my home... then Satan has won.
There was another wonderful, immensely beautiful lady from my Sunday School class who asked me to just open up my hands and have them cupped open in expectancy. Which was prophetic also because she didn't know how I cried and prayed just a few nights ago and told God that my heart was clenched as tight as my fists. All weekend long, in my dreams, God was telling me to open my hands. I was fussing with Him and telling Him HE had to open His hands first to bless us (how dare I? hehehe I can't help but laugh out loud at my orneriness). So here she is, with a smile, telling me to open my hands... I fought with Paul and the kids all morning, we were late to practice, I was furious at Paul for it.... but I have to open my hands...
When I do, she pours out from this candy tin a bunch of paper butterflies, which she cut out herself off scrap paper, and she tells me that "these are the promises of God. They are beautiful, and they are good, and they are for you to hold on to and see the beautiful things that God is doing in the midst of the difficult." I held my composure pretty well. The butterflies are so little and cute and there was a tin full of them in my hand. Nevermind the fact I had told Paul at the Renaissance fair how I loved butterflies and it was probably the only girly thing about me.
I was already being ministered to and the service had not even started. Through tears and fussing with the kids some more and the awe of what was happening I learned that the guest speaker today was a preacher named Alan from Scotland. He had a strong Scottish accent and I believe he spoke slower than usual to make sure we understood what He was saying. And what he spoke to me is that God is always working in us; God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit... through seasons, and transitions, because He is working out His prognosis for us. He sees our sick condition, our brokenness, and has a blueprint in place to heal us - more than just accepting Christ as Lord and Savior, but to make us complete and whole, so we can build God's kingdom. And the more we surrender to the Lord as he dissects us personally (and very privately, thank God!), the quicker we can move from a trying season to a place and time where we are being effective for God's kingdom.
I also learned at church that I need to drink more water, dance more, and blog more.
It's hard to put all this out there, I've been mulling it over in and out of sleep this afternoon, between a fever, a migraine, and a runny nose. I haven't been much of a wife and mom today. But if I don't write down what God has done then I'll miss it; it'll slip through my memory, I'll forget it... I won't build on it, I won't receive and appropriate it for my life. I'll miss the point. I can't miss the point.
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