Well, I had to call in sick today because it felt like my head was snow-plowed. I was in bed till about 2 in the afternoon, when I realized I was really hungry and I had to pee. It was nice to be able to give my body the rest I needed while the kids are in day care. And even though right now I don't feel exactly great, I definitely feel capable of going to work tomorrow. My God knows what I need.
The kids had an awesome time at day care. Anakin and Brielle LOVE going to school, and they come home tired, which is excellent for me. I know I'm doing the right thing. Caleb also did great at his babysitters house and came home a happy talkin' baby. Sometimes I panic but God always takes care of my fears and shows me that He is with me.
And I mean that... He is WITH me. Sometimes we believe that God is against us, or that He may be indifferent to the things we care about. But He has shown me that is not the case; He cares about what is important to me. He cares about my dreams! The things I desire. And somehow He manages to incorporate it all into His big plan - which is a big thing. How many times have you been stuck in the conundrum of wondering whether something you want is also something God wants? And then which way do you go? And what happens when you go with what you want... do you feel guilty? Like you somehow betrayed Him, and now He may not bless you?
I don't know where I began struggling with all these questions; they are not even biblical. Maybe because it's the cliche that other well-intending christians use when they don't like a desire you are pursuing... "Well, are you sure that's what God wants for your life?" Maybe it's some really bad theology when it comes to understanding the "will of God" and the "fear of God" and somewhere down that road we lose trust in the One we can count on through anything.
What 2009 taught me is that you can have a relationship with God. It's not a one-way dictatorship. You can tell Him the desires of your heart and then earnestly believe that these things matter to Him and that He loves YOU enough to want them for you too. That's why it's called a "Christian walk" and not a "Christian drag".
And this is where it can get tricky, because the road is narrow, and any concept taken far left or far right will distort Scripture. God will not compromise His holiness to give you what you want. So He may answer "No." Or "Wait." He is the Almighty God - not a genie in a bottle - and He won't be manipulated. But in a relationship with Him (a true relationship, like with your spouse) there is an interchange of desires and ideas and a working together... like a beautiful dance with the Holy Spirit, where both dance partners agree on the steps to take; us being led by Him, but in willing submission, to enjoy the masterpiece that is made together. Am I making any sense?
Knowing God's word helps tremendously. When you want to know Him and the things He desires, you read His Word. Then you get to know His heart. And then you'll find that His desires become yours. And you have the confidence to share with HIm your desires because you can see that His faithfulness to us brings Him glory. And in a relationship with Him you learn to distinguish between desires so that you do not pursue those that would fall contrary to His nature.
One example I can give is my job. I wanted to go back to work, and stop being a stay at home mom (my desire). I was praying about different goals that Paul and I had for our family, like get out of debt, get Anakin into a school setting, and save for trips (our desires). I wanted to reach outside the four walls of my home and be able to touch other people, to meet knew people and use my skills in a way that would help others (His desire), so that His light could shine through me (His desire). And He opened a way for me to get a job that I feel I am uniquely capable of doing, that meets the financial needs of my family, that allows me to "minister" to others, where I'm getting to know people I otherwise would've never met. Only in Christ would it all come together. It did mean that I had to turn down another job I wanted because I felt that the one God was suggesting was better (obviously - after all, He IS all knowing!).
So now to a new year! May God take you this year in the greatest adventure of your life, where you will have no choice but to walk by faith and not by sight. It will try you like nothing else, and you will be incredibly upset at me for praying this upon you! But in the end, when you look back, you'll be greatful that you were that stretched and pressed. He is a good stone to fall on to if you are going to be falling anyways.