I'm actually struggling right now. I don't know in what direction to move. I can't even put my words together.
We have an opportunity, a blank slate so to speak, where our family can choose what direction to go on. And I want to be in the Lord's hands - to do whatever he wants us to do. But I also want the rent paid and the kids fed. I am stuck.
I am the proverbial deer stuck in the headlights.
I wish I had the faith to say "yeah let's move 100% towards ministry and hey, God will provide!" But I don't. The reality is that I want is control - calculated, perfected measures... To know exactly when the next check comes, and the next bill gets paid, and to have everything in control. No risk. No scare. And by default, not requiring any faith to get it done, either.
I hate being in this spot again. I never wanted to go back to this spot. Because the reality is that I can't sleep, and I over-eat, under this kind of stress. I get "bi-polar", doing my best to keep a smile on my face and then exploding with anger and tears when I can't keep up with my facade. And truthfully, I'm a little hurt that God allowed it again. I wonder if I can trust Him. He knows the effect that this trial would have on me and yet He thinks I can make it. And there HAS to be gentler ways to get His point across, for Him to steer us.
So now, how do I face the world with the faith that God is good and trustworthy if I'm not quite that strong myself? What will happen if we get evicted? If we lose everything we have? I know that the material things don't matter, but the stability of the kids... Their well-being...
So there... that was my pity party. Thank you for listening.
But I read in 1 Peter 5:10 that "In His kindness god called you to share in His eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, He will restroe, support and strengthen you, and He will place you on a firm foundation."
I know His Word is true because He has restored us before! In the summer of 2008 I thought something in my heart was dead never to be resurrected! I constantly felt a knife wedged in my back and as the weeks went by I saw that the people who put it there would only drive it in further just to make sure Paul and I got the point. Everything in my life was done and over with as far as I was concerned and I was just waiting to die as physically as I was emotionally and spiritually.
And then God sent friends our way that gently lifted us up and restored our faith in Christendom! And in the prayer times (as bitter as I may have been), His Spirit would come and hold me up. He would bring Scripture to mind that would remind me of His love and His strength. Self-delusion? Not at all. I remember reading Psalms and seeing a verse and praying, "God, this doesn't even seem true at all! So because I'm sick of just doing the church thing (and the church is the first and most harmful thing that happened to me at that moment), if I am to believe in Your Word, it's going to take Your Spirit making me feel it in my heart!" And then God would do it! Maybe not immediately, but He would definitely eventually do it. I would be singing during worship or about to fall asleep and I would feel a HUG. A warm, loving hug that would give me tears because I knew at that moment that God was affirming me. That Jesus Christ did care about what happened to me. That He did care that I was hurting, just like His Word said He did.
His Word is a solid foundation for me. No matter what my circumstances, or my feelings, His Word is firm. It's the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. It's been proven true by history, by archaeology, and science. And if you turn your eyes to the truth in Scripture, He will prove it. He will stand by His Words, His promise to you.
Basically, as much as I may gripe about my trial when I go back to the Word I cannot argue with it! I cannot call God a liar! I can't say His Word isn't true! It would make a fool of me. My trial isn't that the Word of God is failing me, it's that I am struggling to apply it and commit to it with all of my heart. For no reason other than my own human nature to want to hold everything in my own two hands when Jesus' nail-scarred hands are greater and more powerful.
I have lived in faith before. I remember dropping Paul off at work in Miami and driving down US1, officially homeless. And in the time it took me to get from Cutler Ridge to Homestead I had the keys to an apartment in my hand.
I remember lying in a pool of my own blood, pregnant with Anakin, writhing in pain. I remember Paul carrying me to the ER where they told us that I was having a miscarriage. They tried to pump me full of Vicodin and make it easier on me. But Paul just took me home and we both believed what God's Word says on healing and prayed. We prayed for healing. Even though the doctors advised us not to wish for his healing because he was oxygen deprived for so long he'd probably be born with severe retardation and handicaps. But we believed that God always healed 100% and so we trusted that God would not just save his life but also undo all the damage and restore him physically and mentally to perfection. And He did.
I remember being at Sooner Rd. Church of God and the Associate Pastor asked us to lead the YWEA project and use what little amount of youth we had to raise funds for missions - Ghana, Africa, to be specific. And Paul and I felt led to raise $2000.00 . And everyone was in shock because they didn't believe that our little church could come up with so much extra. But He did! We did yard sales, car washes, and challenges - and we raised OVER $2000.00 .
So even if its just me. Even if I'm the only one taking on the burden of praying. Even if I'm the only one in the trial and it's just me and God. That will be enough.