Rantings of a Mad Woman

I normally try not to blog on days like these... but I find myself so cynical and bitter I kinda' need to let it out. So please allow me to just vent and don't feel obligated to leave a comment or offer encouragement. Meaning no disrespect to anyone, I just don't need to hear about the attitude I SHOULD have instead. I know.

Everything is just a bit more difficult and I'm having a bit of a harder time seeing a reward for any of it. I'm beyond frustrated with how tough things are right now, specially with the waiting game we've been playing with day care assistance and with a new place. Seriously, how is it that some people just walk in, fill out paperwork, and have everything handed to them? And for us, it's always a nightmare? We always get the employee who loses our paperwork, or forgets what they are supposed to do, etc... And so now, whenever we get a denial or complaint or a call asking for more of what we've already done I just respond with a "Go figure." Because it is too much to ask for our particular efforts NOT to be in vain.

Our direct deposit for payroll doesn't even go through smoothly. Paul puts in every number correctly, and a WEEK later we STILL haven't seen his first paycheck even though UPS says, "We paid." And that's all we get.

This is the kind of crap I'm sick of. It's like constantly walking around with a rain cloud specifically over our heads to screw things up for us in every possible way.

Then the kids get sick. Of course, they were healthy for MONTHS. Paul starts working, as do I, and BAM! All three of them. Day cares calling me left and right at work to pick one or the other up because they have a fever. We go to the DR and it turns our there's nothing the kids can take, no antibiotics (except for the BABY with an ear infection).... nothing except Motrin to help them if they feel better. No quick fixes for that. And it's not the kid's fault. But a little break from this would help.

If they paid either one of us well enough so that one parent could stay home with the kids until they are in elementary school, we would. But seeing as that's not the case, we both have to work or we're all homeless. So something - in one direction or the other - HAS to give.

So today at work I got the call at 3:45pm that now my oldest son has a fever of 101.4 and we need to go get him. I called Paul, but I know that at his job he can't take calls until 5pm. So I wait until 4:30pm to finish my shift, and head to the bus stop... to wait for a bus that never comes, so I walked about 20 blocks to Anakin's day care to pick him up. In the rain. And it's not like I wear sneakers at work either, so all the while I'm walking and doing a lot of thinking.

Most of the thinking sounded like this: "I suck! I suck! I suck! I suck!" I kept thinking over and over on how I seem to be doing nothing but screwing up at work because it's more the things that I do wrong over the things I do right... my bigger frustration being is that I have the head knowledge of the right answer and for some RETARDED reason I can't seem to get my head and the rest of my body to connect and do the right thing. I don't know how else to explain it, but I find myself in A LOT of areas (not just work) knowing what the right result should be and the steps to get there, but completely incapable of producing that result with my two hands.

And this is a new thing for me. I wish I had gotten hit real hard upside the head because then I'd have an excuse.

And then there's always the nagging fear that either Paul and I could be fired ANY SECOND. Because it's happened before. It's definitely blindsided us before. So I have no job security, no faith and no trust. I just put my best foot forward and hope when I walk in one day that I'll be expected to walk in the next. It doesn't help when my best sucks and I'm ashamed to call it my best to begin with.

And this whole time I'm just praying to not have to move back to Florida. Because, as much as I love our parents there, I know that everyone else I miss does not miss us just as much, so moving back there again would be a complete waste for us. It would only make it more painfully obvious that everyone we thought was close to us really isn't and could care less. Because at least with us being here in Alaska we have the 3 time zones, 6000 mile excuse. It actually works as a good fascade, although it pains me enough to want to completely withdraw. Yeah... if I was going through this kind of tough times in Florida and was just as lonely, I'd probably want to die. Oh wait, I've been there already.

Like I said, these are the rantings of a mad woman. I'm just bitter. And the hurtful things I can pull up quickly by memory heavily outnumber the good when I am bitter. I'll just take some pain meds, go to sleep early, and try again tomorrow morning.