I read a really good daily devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries and I have to say, I was really refreshed by it. I think the heaviness in my heart is lifting (slowly but surely). God is always faithful to show me things I need to know in order to correct my thinking.
I have to say, the birth control pills are helping me, chemically, find some balance and its so refreshing to not feel like so much of a yo-yo based on whether I'm going into a menstrual cycle or coming out of one.
But that is a small, small part of the bigger picture. The big picture is always the condition of your heart. Which is why so many Christian songs are dedicated to opening the eyes of our heart; we need to see things accurately. A lot of times the pain, the frustrations, and the disappointments fog up the mirror of God's mercy and kindness, or they crack it - to where you can't see a clear reflection of His love for you and His pure goodness. You start to wonder if He really is that good... or why He would put you through so much pain.
It's the "Wilderness Mentality". The Israelites were in the wilderness for 40 years. This was of their own consequence - they walked up right where God told them to go and said, "No!" Thus they had to walk around for 40 years in the desert. That was the sting of their discipline. They grumbled A LOT. But in this trip, as you read, God was doing amazing things to take care of them! He was raining food from heaven. Bringing water from rocks. Their shoes never wore out. He protected them from everybody else. But they were too busy thinking, "Oh, it was soooo much nicer in Egypt!" to even thank God for his goodness towards them.
And so you see, even though they were no longer slaves, and they were out of Egypt, they weren't really free. Their mindset wasn't free.
I feel like I am wondering around in the desert, complaining as to how long will I have to go through the same crap over, and over, and over again. And I am asking God if I will ever settle; have our home, our land, and our place in His kingdom. But I HAVE to overcome the wilderness mentality. I am entirely dependent on God to open my eyes and show me that there is more to this desert than just barrenness; there's also a walking relationship with Him! I'm missing out on Him in all my complaining.
I long desperately to be free. Primarily in my heart! Free from depression and discouragement. Free from the guilt and shame and the baggage I'm carrying from all my screw ups and the consequences of them. I can picture the Israelites being looked on by all the other nations like, "Look at those morons! God set them free from Egypt and now they are walking around in circles!" However, I just can't free myself. If I could, there'd be no point to this blog.
So for now I'm just focusing on day by day. No sense looking back, there isn't much to look at anyways. Plus you can't drive forward staring at a rear-view mirror all the time; you're bound to crash. And I'm making a conscious effort not to worry about the future; whether God lets us screw up for another 40 years or helps us to get things straightened out within the next two years is pretty much out of our control anyways. All I can do is try my best for today, to make the best choices I know how to make, TODAY, and then the rest is placed in God's care.
I have to learn to trust God all over again, and I can't do it if I'm focusing on anything else other than Him in the here and the now. He is good, to me, TODAY. I want Him to free me so bad I crave it with all of my heart.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
A Method to the Madness??
I guess my last blog was dark and pissy... and while I'm not ready to be all social-butterflyish again, I don't think I feel that antagonistic towards friendship and people anymore.
Lots on my mind though...
I find that when I'm struggling with depression, reading good books helps tremendously. I've been prescribed birth control for anti-depressant purposes (since it never worked for actual birth control purposes, LOL) with the goal of balancing my hormones. Specially during the winter, when I get so little natural sunlight, and it seems to throw me in for a loop. But with these kinds of things, medically, it takes about a month for it to really have effect.
So between here and there, all I have is prayer and... redirecting my thought process. I have to get my mind off the negative, and its very hard to think negative thoughts when you are reading a really good book. I learned this from a wise mentor I had once...
So I'm reading, "When I Don't Desire God" by John Piper. I happen to like John Piper, because he's the man who produced the famous quote: "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." Brilliant! Anyhow, in his book, he talks about how there is no real joy in Christianity without a passionate desire for Christ, and without the joy and desire it's no real Christianity. I may have just talked myself into a loop. But his argument is that Christianity based on just doing the dos is not one that glorifies God or draws others to be interested in Christ. I can kind of parallel it to sex (with the author's permission, because he uses this analogy too); the difference in the experience of sex between both the man and the woman when there is a desire for one another and a joy (or pleasure) in one another... versus sex out of obligation, fear, or manipulation.
Wow. That parallel actually helped tremendously! For me anyhow. Paul would feel terrible if I only had sex because I feared the consequence of not doing so, or if I only did it because I was obligated as his wife. I can imagine how Christ feels about our worship, or our "Christian" life if we lived solely in the dos and don'ts in order to avoid hell or simply out of moral duty. And I shall insert a quote here:
"If Christ is followed only because his gifts are great and his threats are terrible, he is not glorified by his followers. A defective lord can offer great gifts and terrible threats. And a person may want the gifts, fear the threats, and follow a lord whom they despise or pity or find boring or embarrasing, in order to have the gifts and avoid the threats. If Christ is to be glorified in his people, their following must be rooted in... His glorious Person...His works are great because He is great."
On the flip-side, Paul would also feel horrible if I needed to use sex to manipulate him to get something else I wanted. He would probably be appalled that I didn't believe he cared enough about me to give me what I wanted or needed regardless of whether or not I had sex with him. I think this is the real challenge; to not try to be a "Christian" just to get your prayers answered. But its so hard! The bigger the need, the more I feel obligated to be on "my best behavior", simply so that by my own screw ups I don't get left behind or neglected. Maybe a little bit of Santa Claus mentality? "He's making a list, checking it twice - gonna find out who's naughty or nice..." It gets quite exhausting!
Well when manipulation doesn't work, I turn to despair and hopelessness. And hope can be so difficult to hold on to; to sincerely believe that better things are on their way and be thankful and excited even though they are not here yet? I am so weary I may as well be dead by the time they arrive and so I consider it useless. But living without hope makes the fight worthless - why wake up in the morning? Why even try? So in being hopeful or hopeless I find myself wavering between the lesser of two difficulties, depending on my mood that morning and on how effective I am at altering the course of my thought process into a better perspective. "As a Man Thinketh..."
Lots on my mind though...
I find that when I'm struggling with depression, reading good books helps tremendously. I've been prescribed birth control for anti-depressant purposes (since it never worked for actual birth control purposes, LOL) with the goal of balancing my hormones. Specially during the winter, when I get so little natural sunlight, and it seems to throw me in for a loop. But with these kinds of things, medically, it takes about a month for it to really have effect.
So between here and there, all I have is prayer and... redirecting my thought process. I have to get my mind off the negative, and its very hard to think negative thoughts when you are reading a really good book. I learned this from a wise mentor I had once...
So I'm reading, "When I Don't Desire God" by John Piper. I happen to like John Piper, because he's the man who produced the famous quote: "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." Brilliant! Anyhow, in his book, he talks about how there is no real joy in Christianity without a passionate desire for Christ, and without the joy and desire it's no real Christianity. I may have just talked myself into a loop. But his argument is that Christianity based on just doing the dos is not one that glorifies God or draws others to be interested in Christ. I can kind of parallel it to sex (with the author's permission, because he uses this analogy too); the difference in the experience of sex between both the man and the woman when there is a desire for one another and a joy (or pleasure) in one another... versus sex out of obligation, fear, or manipulation.
Wow. That parallel actually helped tremendously! For me anyhow. Paul would feel terrible if I only had sex because I feared the consequence of not doing so, or if I only did it because I was obligated as his wife. I can imagine how Christ feels about our worship, or our "Christian" life if we lived solely in the dos and don'ts in order to avoid hell or simply out of moral duty. And I shall insert a quote here:
"If Christ is followed only because his gifts are great and his threats are terrible, he is not glorified by his followers. A defective lord can offer great gifts and terrible threats. And a person may want the gifts, fear the threats, and follow a lord whom they despise or pity or find boring or embarrasing, in order to have the gifts and avoid the threats. If Christ is to be glorified in his people, their following must be rooted in... His glorious Person...His works are great because He is great."
On the flip-side, Paul would also feel horrible if I needed to use sex to manipulate him to get something else I wanted. He would probably be appalled that I didn't believe he cared enough about me to give me what I wanted or needed regardless of whether or not I had sex with him. I think this is the real challenge; to not try to be a "Christian" just to get your prayers answered. But its so hard! The bigger the need, the more I feel obligated to be on "my best behavior", simply so that by my own screw ups I don't get left behind or neglected. Maybe a little bit of Santa Claus mentality? "He's making a list, checking it twice - gonna find out who's naughty or nice..." It gets quite exhausting!
Well when manipulation doesn't work, I turn to despair and hopelessness. And hope can be so difficult to hold on to; to sincerely believe that better things are on their way and be thankful and excited even though they are not here yet? I am so weary I may as well be dead by the time they arrive and so I consider it useless. But living without hope makes the fight worthless - why wake up in the morning? Why even try? So in being hopeful or hopeless I find myself wavering between the lesser of two difficulties, depending on my mood that morning and on how effective I am at altering the course of my thought process into a better perspective. "As a Man Thinketh..."
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Go Away!
I've been very cranky lately. I haven't been able to blog because I couldn't quite put it into words. But I think over the past couple of weeks I was able to talk things out with Paul and it helped me define all these abstract thoughts and feelings I've had for a bit.
They kind of sounded something like this at first: "Piss off."
When I'm in this mood, run away if you can.
I have to be honest, I'm just sick and tired of people. Mankind. And I don't have the patience for anyone's stupidity.
The reason being is probably that I have a lot more on my plate to deal with between my husband and my kids to deal with you. And if I work with you, then you are like... down on the fourth tier of my priorities because I want to have a good working relationship with you since I spend a lot of time with you. And yes, that puts you higher than a lot of other people. But everyone else can just piss off.
So I've been thinking as to what put me this way. If I think of individual friends and loved ones I can see that I do care about them and love them. But here's what it boils down to:
I don't want to hear your drama more than ONCE if you're not going to take my advice. I don't give my advice very generously either, so if you ask me, "What should I do?" then you better be seriously considering it. But don't waste my time just because you want to be drowning in your drama for no good reason:
- Bad relationship? Break up. Tough marriage? Work it out. Good relationship? Get married. If I wanted to be sucked in to a never-ending soppy love story I'd watch the Titanic again. I can only handle other people's romances (fictional or non-fictional) for oh.. 90 minutes per case.
- Finances are tight? You either a) get another job b) go to school and do something to better yourself to get a better job c) stop shopping and start prioritizing.
- Kids are out of control? Spank them. Or put them on time out. Your pick, you're the parent. But if you are letting your children run your home instead of you then don't smirk at my parenting advice. I have 3 kids under 5, do you hear me whining about my kids being out of control? No. Are they perfect? Heck no. But Paul and I are the ones in charge even when it's easier not to be.
It may sound heartless, but I'm just saying... there are people with real difficult situations that are legitimately stuck and standing by faith. Or not standing by faith and struggling. If your drama lasts more than 21 days it's because you've now made it a habit and you want it to be. Grow some balls, tell other people to piss off if need be, and be happy! And then let everybody else be happy too!
I could have compassion if you are a military wife and your husband's on deployment... you may need a shoulder to vent and obviously have matters in your heart that are weighing on you - which will no-duh take longer than 21 days. I'm not completely heartless. Or if your kids have behavioral issues because they have disabilities. Or if your financial situation is something that would take years of hard work to resolve. Geesh I'm not heartless. By all means, whine away! If you've faced a long battle with cancer, or had to take care of a loved one with a terminal illness for years on end... It goes without saying that you are not looking for your drama or perpetuating it by your own decisions.
But otherwise, don't tell me what you are unhappy with unless you are also sharing what you are doing about it. And if you are just going to sit around to be unhappy don't expect me to sit and join you in your pity party.
Here's the other side of this coin:
I don't want to share my business with you. And if I don't, its because I don't believe you are qualified to give me any advice. So I don't want to hear your two cents! If I open up and share with you or whine in public, you can do one of two things: a) say, "that sucks" and nod b) Say, "this is what I did in a similar situation... if its of any help" and leave it alone. I don't want to be converted to your thought process because, like YOU, I'm going to do whatever I feel like doing anyways.
I have found that people love to take you when you are down and find points to criticize you or judge you.... Oh how they are quick to jump on you like you're a freakin' trampoline and tell you all the things you've done wrong (according to them) and basically point out why you deserve your trouble. Or you talk about my husband - which is the perfect thing to do if you want me to shut you out. So don't look surprised if I'm keeping to myself. It may very well be that there is nothing talk-worthy going on in my life to share. Or its simply that my time is precious and I don't think I'll benefit at all from having a conversation with YOU.
Show me the walk behind your talk. Another peeve of mine is people who use cliche faith phrases like, "oh, just wait on the Lord..." Really!? When have YOU ever done anything other than instantly gratify your every fleshy desire? You want to suggest to me that I need to have faith, wait patiently, and be obedient... When there is nothing about your life that would indicate to me you are doing the same? Yeah your words are falling on deaf ears. Specially if when I point out the same to you, you can give me all your excuses for why you're NOT doing things biblically.
There are very, VERY few people I genuinely listen to for advice or encouragement, specially when it comes to spiritual matters. If I'm struggling with belief, I would look or listen to someone who is believing in God for very big things. But if you don't even have the faith to commit and serve your church how can you possibly tell me to believe in a God or trust in a God that you obviously don't? At least, not entirely?
Oh but its so convenient to turn to a psychologist, sex, credit card, or medication to help YOU with your situations... and yet all you have to offer me is to, "have patience?" Not that a psychologist or medication are bad in and of itself, and its good to recommend these if need be. But when you are obviously not the kind of person that has fought any demons (or "personal battles") because you instantly gratify whatever it is that is bugging you, don't just conveniently tell me that I should, "wait and things will get better".
Bigger thing is, don't try to give me marriage advice if you are not married. Don't give me parenting suggestions if you are not a parent. Don't give my financial advice if you are in debt. Don't give me spiritual advice if you are not obedient and faithful under fire. You are not qualified.
With all that being said, there's not a whole lot of people I even want to talk to or hear from. There are even less things I want to talk about with the people that I do want to talk to. I know I'll have a couple of my friends read this and go, "fine! Screw her!" But the reality is, I respect you enough to not waste your time with my drama, and I'll appreciate it if you don't waste my time with yours. I have a 0 tolerance for drama, I don't like being in it myself, and I'd rather resolve it as soon as possible. I don't linger in uncomfortable or unpleasant situations unless I distinctly have God instruct me to stick it out. I can't keep up with duplicity. I can't remember who you are friends with and who you are not. I can't keep track of what it is that you are doing that no one is supposed to know because I don't live with secrets (ever wonder why Paul and I got married so quickly out of high school? Long story short: To do what we wanted to do - which was be together - and tell anyone who didn't like it to piss off. We paid the price for telling others to piss off - we are still paying the price for that. But I'm not going to try to fool others and I'm certainly not going to be fooled by your excuses).
If you want to do whatever you want, GO! But have the balls to own up to it before everyone! I may tell you its not the best way to do it, I may even encourage you not to do it, but at the end of the day if you don't listen to me, it's entirely your choice! I truthfully, more today than ever, can honestly say that I don't do anything I wouldn't want my Mother to find out about. I never said I don't do anything she wouldn't like me to do. But I only have ONE life to live and I'm only going to live ONE way and I can't keep track of any lies or secrets so I may as well live with the truth on all sides. Right now the truth is that I want half the world to just piss off. Unless you are buying me a caramel mocha and taking me to do something fun I don't really want to hear it.
You either like that or hate it... Either way, this is me, my emotions on my sleeve. You can disagree and be my friend or go and stay out of my way.
They kind of sounded something like this at first: "Piss off."
When I'm in this mood, run away if you can.
I have to be honest, I'm just sick and tired of people. Mankind. And I don't have the patience for anyone's stupidity.
The reason being is probably that I have a lot more on my plate to deal with between my husband and my kids to deal with you. And if I work with you, then you are like... down on the fourth tier of my priorities because I want to have a good working relationship with you since I spend a lot of time with you. And yes, that puts you higher than a lot of other people. But everyone else can just piss off.
So I've been thinking as to what put me this way. If I think of individual friends and loved ones I can see that I do care about them and love them. But here's what it boils down to:
I don't want to hear your drama more than ONCE if you're not going to take my advice. I don't give my advice very generously either, so if you ask me, "What should I do?" then you better be seriously considering it. But don't waste my time just because you want to be drowning in your drama for no good reason:
- Bad relationship? Break up. Tough marriage? Work it out. Good relationship? Get married. If I wanted to be sucked in to a never-ending soppy love story I'd watch the Titanic again. I can only handle other people's romances (fictional or non-fictional) for oh.. 90 minutes per case.
- Finances are tight? You either a) get another job b) go to school and do something to better yourself to get a better job c) stop shopping and start prioritizing.
- Kids are out of control? Spank them. Or put them on time out. Your pick, you're the parent. But if you are letting your children run your home instead of you then don't smirk at my parenting advice. I have 3 kids under 5, do you hear me whining about my kids being out of control? No. Are they perfect? Heck no. But Paul and I are the ones in charge even when it's easier not to be.
It may sound heartless, but I'm just saying... there are people with real difficult situations that are legitimately stuck and standing by faith. Or not standing by faith and struggling. If your drama lasts more than 21 days it's because you've now made it a habit and you want it to be. Grow some balls, tell other people to piss off if need be, and be happy! And then let everybody else be happy too!
I could have compassion if you are a military wife and your husband's on deployment... you may need a shoulder to vent and obviously have matters in your heart that are weighing on you - which will no-duh take longer than 21 days. I'm not completely heartless. Or if your kids have behavioral issues because they have disabilities. Or if your financial situation is something that would take years of hard work to resolve. Geesh I'm not heartless. By all means, whine away! If you've faced a long battle with cancer, or had to take care of a loved one with a terminal illness for years on end... It goes without saying that you are not looking for your drama or perpetuating it by your own decisions.
But otherwise, don't tell me what you are unhappy with unless you are also sharing what you are doing about it. And if you are just going to sit around to be unhappy don't expect me to sit and join you in your pity party.
Here's the other side of this coin:
I don't want to share my business with you. And if I don't, its because I don't believe you are qualified to give me any advice. So I don't want to hear your two cents! If I open up and share with you or whine in public, you can do one of two things: a) say, "that sucks" and nod b) Say, "this is what I did in a similar situation... if its of any help" and leave it alone. I don't want to be converted to your thought process because, like YOU, I'm going to do whatever I feel like doing anyways.
I have found that people love to take you when you are down and find points to criticize you or judge you.... Oh how they are quick to jump on you like you're a freakin' trampoline and tell you all the things you've done wrong (according to them) and basically point out why you deserve your trouble. Or you talk about my husband - which is the perfect thing to do if you want me to shut you out. So don't look surprised if I'm keeping to myself. It may very well be that there is nothing talk-worthy going on in my life to share. Or its simply that my time is precious and I don't think I'll benefit at all from having a conversation with YOU.
Show me the walk behind your talk. Another peeve of mine is people who use cliche faith phrases like, "oh, just wait on the Lord..." Really!? When have YOU ever done anything other than instantly gratify your every fleshy desire? You want to suggest to me that I need to have faith, wait patiently, and be obedient... When there is nothing about your life that would indicate to me you are doing the same? Yeah your words are falling on deaf ears. Specially if when I point out the same to you, you can give me all your excuses for why you're NOT doing things biblically.
There are very, VERY few people I genuinely listen to for advice or encouragement, specially when it comes to spiritual matters. If I'm struggling with belief, I would look or listen to someone who is believing in God for very big things. But if you don't even have the faith to commit and serve your church how can you possibly tell me to believe in a God or trust in a God that you obviously don't? At least, not entirely?
Oh but its so convenient to turn to a psychologist, sex, credit card, or medication to help YOU with your situations... and yet all you have to offer me is to, "have patience?" Not that a psychologist or medication are bad in and of itself, and its good to recommend these if need be. But when you are obviously not the kind of person that has fought any demons (or "personal battles") because you instantly gratify whatever it is that is bugging you, don't just conveniently tell me that I should, "wait and things will get better".
Bigger thing is, don't try to give me marriage advice if you are not married. Don't give me parenting suggestions if you are not a parent. Don't give my financial advice if you are in debt. Don't give me spiritual advice if you are not obedient and faithful under fire. You are not qualified.
With all that being said, there's not a whole lot of people I even want to talk to or hear from. There are even less things I want to talk about with the people that I do want to talk to. I know I'll have a couple of my friends read this and go, "fine! Screw her!" But the reality is, I respect you enough to not waste your time with my drama, and I'll appreciate it if you don't waste my time with yours. I have a 0 tolerance for drama, I don't like being in it myself, and I'd rather resolve it as soon as possible. I don't linger in uncomfortable or unpleasant situations unless I distinctly have God instruct me to stick it out. I can't keep up with duplicity. I can't remember who you are friends with and who you are not. I can't keep track of what it is that you are doing that no one is supposed to know because I don't live with secrets (ever wonder why Paul and I got married so quickly out of high school? Long story short: To do what we wanted to do - which was be together - and tell anyone who didn't like it to piss off. We paid the price for telling others to piss off - we are still paying the price for that. But I'm not going to try to fool others and I'm certainly not going to be fooled by your excuses).
If you want to do whatever you want, GO! But have the balls to own up to it before everyone! I may tell you its not the best way to do it, I may even encourage you not to do it, but at the end of the day if you don't listen to me, it's entirely your choice! I truthfully, more today than ever, can honestly say that I don't do anything I wouldn't want my Mother to find out about. I never said I don't do anything she wouldn't like me to do. But I only have ONE life to live and I'm only going to live ONE way and I can't keep track of any lies or secrets so I may as well live with the truth on all sides. Right now the truth is that I want half the world to just piss off. Unless you are buying me a caramel mocha and taking me to do something fun I don't really want to hear it.
You either like that or hate it... Either way, this is me, my emotions on my sleeve. You can disagree and be my friend or go and stay out of my way.
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