I read a really good daily devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries and I have to say, I was really refreshed by it. I think the heaviness in my heart is lifting (slowly but surely). God is always faithful to show me things I need to know in order to correct my thinking.
I have to say, the birth control pills are helping me, chemically, find some balance and its so refreshing to not feel like so much of a yo-yo based on whether I'm going into a menstrual cycle or coming out of one.
But that is a small, small part of the bigger picture. The big picture is always the condition of your heart. Which is why so many Christian songs are dedicated to opening the eyes of our heart; we need to see things accurately. A lot of times the pain, the frustrations, and the disappointments fog up the mirror of God's mercy and kindness, or they crack it - to where you can't see a clear reflection of His love for you and His pure goodness. You start to wonder if He really is that good... or why He would put you through so much pain.
It's the "Wilderness Mentality". The Israelites were in the wilderness for 40 years. This was of their own consequence - they walked up right where God told them to go and said, "No!" Thus they had to walk around for 40 years in the desert. That was the sting of their discipline. They grumbled A LOT. But in this trip, as you read, God was doing amazing things to take care of them! He was raining food from heaven. Bringing water from rocks. Their shoes never wore out. He protected them from everybody else. But they were too busy thinking, "Oh, it was soooo much nicer in Egypt!" to even thank God for his goodness towards them.
And so you see, even though they were no longer slaves, and they were out of Egypt, they weren't really free. Their mindset wasn't free.
I feel like I am wondering around in the desert, complaining as to how long will I have to go through the same crap over, and over, and over again. And I am asking God if I will ever settle; have our home, our land, and our place in His kingdom. But I HAVE to overcome the wilderness mentality. I am entirely dependent on God to open my eyes and show me that there is more to this desert than just barrenness; there's also a walking relationship with Him! I'm missing out on Him in all my complaining.
I long desperately to be free. Primarily in my heart! Free from depression and discouragement. Free from the guilt and shame and the baggage I'm carrying from all my screw ups and the consequences of them. I can picture the Israelites being looked on by all the other nations like, "Look at those morons! God set them free from Egypt and now they are walking around in circles!" However, I just can't free myself. If I could, there'd be no point to this blog.
So for now I'm just focusing on day by day. No sense looking back, there isn't much to look at anyways. Plus you can't drive forward staring at a rear-view mirror all the time; you're bound to crash. And I'm making a conscious effort not to worry about the future; whether God lets us screw up for another 40 years or helps us to get things straightened out within the next two years is pretty much out of our control anyways. All I can do is try my best for today, to make the best choices I know how to make, TODAY, and then the rest is placed in God's care.
I have to learn to trust God all over again, and I can't do it if I'm focusing on anything else other than Him in the here and the now. He is good, to me, TODAY. I want Him to free me so bad I crave it with all of my heart.