I was frustrated at hitting so many "dead ends", and looking at all the things I need to do but haven't gotten around to yet... And I just wondered if there was any sense to the madness!
And then I did my devotionals and read a bit and I felt a little bit more at ease. I definitely felt more re-affirmed through reading my devotionals, because it was about my identity in Christ. Then all the stuff I'm going through now doesn't matter because it doesn't change who we are. Sometimes we need that kind of foundation to lean on - a love that is secure, that doesn't change with what we do or don't do.
Let's pass that along!
Then I read the first three chapters of Nehemiah, and I was reminding that the rebuilding process is not easy. Nehemiah prayed and cried and held his breath when talking to the king. Then he surveyed the work that needed to be done, and saw that it was indeed a bit of a mess. But I know that in the end they did rebuild the walls of Jerusalem, amid a lot of opposition.
So in all we are trying to rebuild here, God is with us. And it's ok if it doesn't happen as quickly as I thought or would like, I can keep laboring. There's a LOT of rebuilding; jobs, home, credit, family, church. It's overwhelming!
I'm struggling a bit with the concept of rebuilding at the church, because I always have the nagging voice of "what if?" Is it really worth my time and my effort? I'm not referring to laboring for the Lord, because I know that is rewarding more than paychecks... I've seen it... My question is, if at my particular church, it is worth it... ?
I wonder a LOT if it's going to stay like a social club or a close-knit family and not much more than that. And I wonder because doing anything feels like such an uphill and lonely climb! But that's the dilema of many small churches. I've tossed this around back and forth a lot.
I know that my brothers and sisters in Christ there appreciate and love me. There's no doubt about that. And they are a praying church for sure.
But Jesus said to pray for laborers to be sent into the harvest, because the harvest is ready but the laborers are few. That's my dilema. Lord, we need workers! We need people that would join our congregation with the full intention of putting and sacrificing a lot of "sweat equity"! The sweat equity is just something we do not fully have. I know that there are those who put in a lot more sweat than is required of them or they should be physically capable of doing. But this accounts for a few and not the majority.
I'm not trying to badmouth the church, it's an earnest prayer request. And I know many friends in small churches who are struggling the same way. Truthfully, it IS a lot easier to go to a medium sized church and jump right in to help than it is to build a small church.
I just don't want my efforts to be in vain. And I love everyone there, and I believe we'd all be good friends and family in Christ regardless. I guess I don't really know what I'm praying for. I feel like a mouse in a milk bucket - am I drowning? or churning butter? I can't tell right now.
And yet I pray and I read and I feel this peace that reminds me that God knows. Right now I'm hearing Anakin pray, "bless Mommy, and Daddy, and Aunt Vi... and Leo (the cat)..." I know that a three year old is praying for us. I know that He cares and He is trustworthy. I know that years down the road I will look back and understand what He was accomplishing in us. It's in this relationship with God that I've survived thus far!