Wait! Shh... Did you hear that?

I regretfully admit that I have spent more time fussing about a myriad of things than I have been blogging or sharing what God is doing in my life... probably, if I'm honest, because I wasn't letting Him DO anything; I was too busy in my own temper tantrum to let Him work!

But today was pretty awesome.  I was very touched by the sermon at church today, and it made me realize how much I love being at church on Sunday, and how much I'm edified by hearing God's Word!  In the craziness of everything going on (sick kids, sick self, child care, insurance, bleeegh...) I lost any sense of balance.  I was letting my emotions and everything going on control me and my attitude.  Not good at all! I know we all can be guilty of that sometimes, and I'm slowly but surely working on getting that balance back... by giving myself the time to focus on what I need the most: my Master's voice.

It may sound psychotic but what I mean is, taking the time to hush everything around me and meditate on Scripture, repeat to myself what the Bible says is true, enough times to where I start believing it and allowing it to improve my emotions and my bad attitude.

I need some much needed me-time so that I can be a better mom, wife, employee, and friend.  I need to give myself the time to exercise and take vitamins, so that I'm not sick and running on caffeine.  I need to give myself the time to rest so I can stay mentally sharp.  I need to give myself the time to blog because I feel like I lose my voice, my opinions, and my calling if I don't.  I haven't read a book in YEARS.

Then I also need to give my kids and my husband time.  They all love to talk (I wonder where they got THAT from!).  Anakin is a walking biology class, always wanting to share what he read in a book about animals or the human body.  He starts every other sentence with, "Did you know..?"  Caleb will destroy your place if you are not paying direct attention to him.  Brielle is very girly and is so much more feminine than I am, I feel pressured to keep up with my 4 year old!  She gives herself a mani/pedi every Sunday before starting the school week, because so help her if she goes to school on Monday and her nail polish is chipped.  And then you look at me and I don't shave my legs for months at a time, I chew my nails, and my hair looks like crap....*sigh* She is a gentle reminder for me to be at my best.

So I was incredibly refreshed by today's sermon and yesterday's long, long, LONG walk.

Yersterday's walk was in response to my deep, suppressed desire to be outside and in direct sunlight.  Winter sucked.  And now that spring is here I spend 8 hours of my day inside at work.  And in the evenings there's so much to do that I'm not always outside.  I want to host outdoor Mary Kay parties, I'm tellin' ya!  But I didn't want to be by myself outside, I wanted to spend time with the hubby and kids.  It was our anniversary weekend.  I would've loved to have planned a date w/ Paul but we didn't have a sitter.  One day I will have a sitter, not work on Saturday, and spend the day just me and him.  This weekend wasn't that day but it didn't mean that we couldn't turn off the TV and the computers and go outside where there's nothing else to do but talk to each other and walk!  So we took a hike, walked along the coastal trail from Kincaid Park to almost Point Woronzoff, and back.  I wanted to go to the beach but we missed the turn off, so we walked along the coast and saw the water from a distance (it's ok, I now know how to get to the beach, so maybe next time when it's a bit greener outside).  We walked way more than we should've and the kids were exhausted, but I'm happy to report that Caleb did not have a stroller and even he walked most of the way... and enjoyed it.  The kids were awestruck by nature, although a bit peeved that we were never "there yet".  I don't think they enjoyed just the walk as much as Aspen and I did!  I loved the smell of the trees, the view, the sunlight.  The break in the routine.  It is therapeutic for me - if ever I'm getting too pissy, just kidnap me and drop me off on a trail where I have to walk home.  I guarantee you my attitude will be MUCH better once I get home (provided I have food and water for my hike LOL) :)

I'm thankful my hubby and I both love being outdoors.  I want to get in shape and lose weight - so does he - and summer gives us the perfect opportunity to do so w/o spending too much money.

Today's sermon was exactly what I needed to hear at the finish of this week and the start of this next one.
- It's not your past that destroys you.  It's your pride!
- It's not sin that kills you, it's self pity!
- It's not failure that disqualifies us; it's our facade!
- It's not your lips that prove your love, it's your life!
- It's not about how you compare to others, it's about how you compare to your calling!
- It's not your mistakes that define you, it's your mission!

I can't quite preach like Pastor Gary but I recommend if you want to hear more,  you should come check out the sermon series "The Road to Emmaus" that we are doing at our church (Lifechange Assembly of God, on 15th and C St) Sundays at 10:30am.  So I'll spare you the sermon but let you know how it spoke to me:
- I've been too proud to admit that I need God's help and I can't work things out on my own.  I'm a hot mess on my own, to be precise.  But instead of humbling myself and asking God for help I've just been frustrated and cranky as to how things are NOT working out.
- Most of my whining has been about things not going right for me.  I have been so self-centered that now that I realize it I have been so disgusted with how little I've really thought of my friends, family, and church.  Just stuck in the rut and complaining the whole time.  Then I wonder why I was sick in the first place!
- If I fake like everything is fine then no one, not even God, can help me.  God can deal with my failures, He's strong enough to help me through them, and He has the power to turn them around for my good.  I just have to be open about it, instead of constantly acting like I got everything together.
- ♪♫ Let my lifesong sing to You... let my lifesong sing to You. I want to shout your Name at the end of the day, knowing that my life was true... let my lifesong sing to You.
- I sometimes gag at some of my friends on facebook, specially the moms around my age, because they seem so picture perfect and loving about their kids... like Martha Stewart posters, and I can't even match clean socks to save my life.  Thank God I'm not supposed to strive to be like them; the only person I'm competing with is myself - the only goal is to be a better me today than I was yesterday.  It's liberating...
- What's my mission?  I've been constantly encouraged, through my business and my church, to figure out what my goals are, to map it out, to determine my course of action in pursuit of my dream.  But it all still looks fussy to me, although I know that my business factors into it.  Maybe with a little bit more prayer time, a little bit more dreaming time, I can lay it all out.

That's all for today folks!

Spring is almost here!

And with it, a whole new season of change! I'm so stoked!

What God has been doing spiritually and materially in my life is beyond description. And I wasn't expecting it at all! Not this way.

In one way, I was praying and seeking God for a new dream. I went to an amazing, refreshing conference where I just had the Spirit poured into me in a new way - much needed, actually. I was tired of the same ol', same ol'. I received the affirmation that I am where I am, doing what I'm doing, with the people I am with, all exactly in the will of God and for His purposes. My children are mine because I am the mother fit for them. My husband is mine because I am the perfect wife for him. I'm at the job I need to be in because my personality and my abilities are needed in my work place. I was released from the striving; from feeling like I was falling short of who I was supposed to be, or wasn't good enough, or didn't quite fit. Since this conference I have finally begun to feel like I fit just fine; mistakes, quarks, and all.

I opened myself up to receive a new dream from God - whatever it may be. Something to pursue. I had no idea what it would be, I just told God that whatever He wanted to bless me with I would follow. I entertained a few things of my own but didn't resolve to desire anything and leave my heart a blank state. And for a few months - ok maybe about one, I just walked in contentment.

I slowly began to realize that a big dream of mine is the fulfillment of my children's dreams. I started listening to my kids and seeing that for the longest, Anakin wants to do Karate and Brielle wants to do ballet. I came across by what appears to be coincidence a sample package for Karate - $20 for 2 classes and a white belt. Anakin loved it! More than that, he looked GOOD at it. We signed him up beginning in April as a start. 3 days a week, 1 hour per class, for the next 30 months. And he is RESOLVED. He told me as we were driving home that he wanted to learn Korean instead of Spanish. I'm hispanic, so it's not an option (LOL) but I asked him why. He said, "Because I want to master Tae Kwon Do, and then speak really good Korean, and go to Korea and teach Karate over there, and be able to tell people about God." If that is what his God given dream is (and I know it's subject to change as he ages), I'm all for it! I am not going to do anything to discourage him or deter him from dreaming.

Next step: Brielle. Still working on that.

But as we were all praying about the pursuit of new interests and the finances to back it up, I was invited to my friend's house to get a free facial with Mary Kay products. I totally needed a new face. I LOOKED older and more tired than I felt. With 3 kiddos in tow, I enjoyed a few hours and felt (and looked!) so much better! It's like my face came alive but also my faith! Sharing what God has been doing with each other, loving on each other, just revived me.

I understand that men totally don't need this, but we women do: We need affirmations to survive. From each other. That's why we compliment each other, even more so sincerely. And while we may not ASK for them, we need to receive them back. We need to hear (and know) that we are good friends, good people, and that our unique beauty contributes SOMETHING to our surroundings. If you don't believe me, just leave a woman to be overlooked and see what happens; whether in her home or in her job, she will start to whither like an UN-nurtured flower. Bitterness grows, negativity grows, and soon she becomes the person people DON'T want to be around. See how a kind word can turn a person around too. I'm not making this up - it's biblical!

And for reasons probably too big to understand, instead of referring my friends to Penelope I signed up to be a Mary Kay Consultant myself. This has not been without it's battle, of course. The enemy is full-force, but at least I know I'm doing something that bugs him! On top of a whole bunch of little issues, is my own voice of self-doubt and fear - rising it's ugly head, as strong as ever: I've failed at a business before. I'm shy. I don't wear a lot of make up on a regular basis anyways. Money is tight. And I have an excruciatingly difficult time initiating a conversation with someone I don't know.

BUT...

This is all the more reason why it's something God is doing and not entirely my own. Because it will take God to help me, I can't do it by myself. I'll have to partner with Him to overcome myself. And I already see Him helping me in baby steps - little by little, not more than I can handle. For every lie of the devil there is a Bible verse to encourage me. This is a lesson I should've learned in Oklahoma but I was too immature then. All in God's timing though. "The pain it took for the rose to blossom was greater than the pain of staying budded forever." I have to grow through this because there are other dreams counting on this. Not very big dreams, but important none-the-less.

And I'm seeing Him do something every day to bring confirmation to this direction. Every day. It is edifying my faith.

I had a dream that we were in some sort of war. It was a battle that was actually taking place in the sky; we were on fighter jets and such. Men were flying, women were the guns. We were fighting side by side and for a moment it felt like I was in Paul's dream and not mine! Then our planes exploded and we fell - kind of floated - and landed in the ocean. Unharmed, I swam upward past all the beautiful sea life and surfaced. I saw many of us surfacing and it was a mob of us in open water. Then a huge wave surged, one I knew I had no way of going under or over (and I'm pretty familiar with ocean waves, I've been swimming off the coast of south Florida since I was 6!), and it kind of rolled us all. But it didn't drown us; it was as if we could breathe through the wave. It was fear-inspiring and yet I wasn't afraid for my life, as more and more waves pushed us and then in the horizon I could see land. And then as I'm in this vivid picture of the waves pushing us forward I realized I was dreaming and I asked God, "What is this?" I heard Him audibly respond in my dream, "It's the wave of My Holy Spirit; My mercy." And in the dream, even as I woke up, I was just praising God and saying, "Yes! Lord, bring it on!"

Over the past couple of days, I've been praying and reflecting on this dream, noticing more and more things:
#1 - I couldn't identify the enemy as a specific group of people. Just like you wouldn't tell which side I was on. It was a mob of teenagers and young adults in casual clothes and every day styles fighting against people suited in black and with face masks on. This wasn't a war against another country or even just fought in the US. I saw people on my side of so many different colors and ethnic backgrounds - I can remember their faces even today... oriental, black, indian... And I believe that God was showing me this is our spiritual war-fare, not against people but against the prince of the air. Every believer united, married couples fighting together, all of us doing our role! More so, there was no "star", no "super-hero", no one person more important or more qualified than the other. Praise God! Let His church cross denomination, race, and culture and rise up to fight!
#2 - The wave of God's mercy moved us all to safety, to land. God's Holy Spirit was directing us when we would not have any idea which direction to swim in. And it moved us in such a way that we could not out-swim it and do our own way. And there was such peace and joy in surrendering to the waves! And we ALL went. It looked to me like revival! I kept singing the phrase from "How He Loves Us",

And He is our portion and we are His prize
drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have the time to maintain these regrets
when I think about the way...
That He loves us, oh how He loves us...

I wish I had a time-frame for this dream. I've never considered myself a prophet. But God has spoken to me in dreams, more so when I was a lot younger. It had been years before I had any fresh revelation from Him or any ... indication that He was in a relationship with me! I just praise Him. I seek His Word, I pray, and I find myself listening closely for cues or ... points that He wants to make in every part of my life right now.

I do not have a direct revelation as to how starting a Mary Kay business could be directly related with a personal revival in my walk with God. It somehow is a ministry. It definitely is something I have to hold God's hand through. But I am loving this! And my kids are loving the joy and the hope in me too.

3/4/12 Sermon

Not original AT ALL. Pastor Gary was bringing a WORD, and so was Amanda with her song, and Dave with his testimony, and Mary and Derrick with their song... so it was just... Something I want all of my friends to know, whether they were at service or not!

The Dreamer - Genesis 37

² This is the story of Jacob. The story continues with Joseph, seventeen years old at the time, helping out his brothers in herding the flocks... And Joseph brought his father bad reports on them.

^3-4 Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other sons because he was the child of his old age. And he made him an elaborately embroidered coat. When his brothers realized that their father loved him more than them, they grew to hate him—they wouldn't even speak to him.

^5-7 Joseph had a dream. When he told it to his brothers, they hated him even more. He said, "Listen to this dream I had. We were all out in the field gathering bundles of wheat. All of a sudden my bundle stood straight up and your bundles circled around it and bowed down to mine."

⁸ His brothers said, "So! You're going to rule us? You're going to boss us around?" And they hated him more than ever because of his dreams and the way he talked.

⁹ He had another dream and told this one also to his brothers: "I dreamed another dream—the sun and moon and eleven stars bowed down to me!"

^10-11 When he told it to his father and brothers, his father reprimanded him: "What's with all this dreaming? Am I and your mother and your brothers all supposed to bow down to you?" Now his brothers were really jealous; but his father brooded over the whole business.

Let Your Spirit awaken the dreams of Your people.

Don't try to have your own dream, because you will only be trying to fill the whole in your heart. Instead, ask for God's vision. His dream will not only fill the void in your heart, but also that of the world!

Every person in your family has a specific God-given, unique purpose here on Earth. When we welcome the favor of our Heavenly Father, we begin to dream, because we realize we are chosen.

God chooses people in spite of their dysfunctional families or their flaws. We just need to put on the coat of His favor and His righteousness.

- the favor and support of their parents releases the destiny of the child.

- its what God the Father did when Jesus was baptized and the dove came on Him.

- Pray God's will for each child.

You won't believe God's dreams or you until you believe God's love for you.

God's love is offensive (John 3:16, "This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life." ) ...

and defensive... (Romans 8:35-39 "The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture... None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.)

He pursues us, loves us, and protects us.

His thoughts towards us are precious.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Ephesians. 4:24 "And then take on an entirely new way of life—a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you."- our "coat". We need the fullness of the Holy Spirit to cover us. The coat gives us the right to dream out loud.

A private dream is a dead dream. Submit to God, to His process. Share it with a friend, ask for prayer help. Journal through it - write it down.

Warrior Bride Awaken

I had so much poured into me during the Warrior Bride Awaken Conference this weekend at our church that I don't know what to do with it other than to share it. I have to be honest, I enjoyed a lot of the time around the conference too - in the kitchen, or on the pew, with my friends.

So as praise and worship was going there was this release of dreams and ideas and I just pulled out my Blackberry and started writing as furiously as I could - not quite sure how or what to do with all of it, but excited because I haven't had a dream in a long time. Not much of anything sparked my interest or elicited my pursuit... the last time I felt a dream was when I wanted to be a vet tech and that fizzled out behind the reception desk. For the longest I wondered if the dream fizzled out due to opposition, but this weekend I was sparked alive by tons of other things I wanted to do with my life and working at a vet clinic didn't even cross my mind.

And it's ok, everything is in seasons. There's a season to focus on career and there's a season to focus on parenting... there's a season for everything and right now I feel I'm entering into a season to focus other passions and desires that I had buried or neglected due to being a non-stop industrial machine of housekeeping and working.

So some of the things I jotted down were:
Daughter-Mother dance?
Drama/dance ministry with kids after school, like in some sort of afterschool program?
If Aspen were a therapy dog, what would we do together?
A degree from Bible college/university? In Counseling? Bible? Performing Arts?

Lord, give me my dream for now, for 3 years from now, for 5 years from now. Give me dream and passion to pursue You and further Your kingdom work.

Hebrews 12:1-3

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses

We are surrounded by the men and women of faith in Hebrews 11, who are spurring us on because what they saw in pieces they testify we can now experience fully!

let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.

We have the power to just repent and throw off everything that has us tangled in the things not from God. Why? So we can just run!

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,

Run with perseverance. Don't strive, wrestle after it, or struggle with it. Just keep running! Running doesn't give you the chance to second guess, look back, or pick up the things you've tossed off.

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.

Fix your eyes on Jesus! He overcomes the obstacles that could slow you down with his gaze of love.

Lord forgive me for not fighting through my illness to do Walk for Life, or coming to pray with 40 Days For Life. I understand my faithlessness now.

For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God

I am the JOY that helped Jesus endure the cross. He scorned shame - He defeated it, doesn't want me to feel it or act like I have anything to be ashamed of. He only looks at me with JOY.

I'm not an orphan anymore. I have lived all my life as if I had to raise myself. I have a Daddy to nurture me and build me up. He will be with me and support me on my dream and help me grow. I can build my dream in His lap, hash out what it would look like. I need to go through my schedule and see where I can spend time with Him... Probably in the morning.

Seeing the Light

Things are definitely looking up. I have to praise God because I feel this release of blessing and hope and a future over me. I finally feel that Scripture and life are not so distant after all.

It has been one of the harshest winters I've ever experienced, both literally and figuratively. But just like we are gaining more and more day light in AK, I feel like I'm getting more and more light myself. And I feel stronger for not throwing in the towel and heading to FL.

Paul is now a FT employee, even though first he had to accept a job on an as-needed basis before they promoted him. I'm doing pretty well at work myself, by God's grace. The kids are doing good at school/day care and Anakin has actually improved from one semester to the next.

That's not to say that there weren't moments when I didn't scream or wonder why God was picking on me... but I came out on the other side this year understanding God's love for me and growing in my relationship with him.

I've made some awesome friendships during this winter that have helped me keep my sanity and my head above water. I ♥ my co-workers!

Having hope, knowing we'll soon have a bigger place to live, seeing bills get paid and things get caught up... opening my heart and my mind to give more - not just my tithe at church but also sponsoring a child in the Middle East through World Vision and supporting a missionary family (who happen to own a rat terrier!) in Tanzania (Africa), has been like medicine to my soul. Things aren't perfect but I know we are getting there.

In the meantime, I'm deeply in prayer for a friend who is battling cancer. It seems I can never escape that ugly word. It also seems like it hits people who are closer to maternal figures to me; women I look up to or admire. My grandmother, her sister, my aunt, my mom, myself... It's so vicious but I refuse to let it win and I will fight it the best way I know how: 1) Praying. With God, all things are possible. 2) Supporting activities and organizations like Relay for Life or St. Baldricks. 3) Being healthy myself.

On the healthy note, Paul and I decided to go almost-vegetarian. We've had one week of no red meat or dairy and we feel great. The only protein source we've had is chicken or fish, mostly fish. Lot's of veggies. Rye bread, soy milk, organic cereals and noodles. Paul lost 2 inches and 8 lbs in 6 days; without even exercising. I lost 4 lbs and I'm starting to get enough energy to do 30 min. walks a day (if I can find enough places to walk on and we're not under 12 ft of snow!). It's not a diet as much as a life change. And it's also not just for dieting's sake; I am detaching my emotions from food. I refuse to use food to reward or punish myself; I will find my satisfaction in God. I will only use food for what God intended it to be; for nourishment. As such, I don't really need hamburgers and fries because they have little nutritional value.

And I've been drinking lots of tea!

In all this prayer/reflecting time, the one thing that tugged on my heart enough to get me to stop thinking about myself and start thinking about another need was abortion. Not as much a judgement call on women who have had abortions, but rather the profit and the industry that is being made out of it. I'm a tree-hugging pro-life; I can't see being all about saving dolphins in Taiji and supporting the Pit Bull breed but not caring about the unborn. And I care about the women, and their hearts, and the situations that put them to where they want/need an abortion. So I am going to tackle this two-fold: 1) I'm fundraising for the local crisis pregnancy center so they can continue to provide excellent services to help more moms keep their babies or have the babies adopted without costing them an arm and a leg. 2) I'm praying that the local Planned Parenthood goes out of business... strategically. Not to be harsh against it's employees specifically, but women's health and pregnancy counseling and as much as I hate to say it, abortions, need to be handled by actual OB/GYNs and professionals that really do CARE about the health of the woman and aren't keeping their business alive off the abortion practice.

Well, that's it for now. I have 2 blogs, one for my animals and one for everything else. I've updated both, now I'm going to bed!

Hard Lessons...

I feel pretty bad about not blogging in so long, but honestly, I had "lost the muse". I lost my voice; my thoughts, my opinions. I was numb, because being numb is easier than feeling pain, anxiety, or frustration. When I did think or feel, all I thought about was, "Why am I still here? Why am I not better off?"

It is difficult to take an office job paying less than any other office job I've done and starting so low at the bottom of the totem pole, as if I was a baby. But I am working where I'm working because of the hope of moving past a desk job and to becoming a veterinary technician some day. Other wise, I wouldn't have accepted the offer in the first place, when there were other office jobs that offered me $5-6 per hour more starting off. Then as the months went by, I lost sight of hope and all I could experience or feel was this despair that somehow I'm getting dumber and more incompetent than when I entered the work force 10 years ago!

I also wasn't seeing past the tip of my nose. And I also wasn't looking heavenward, not in any aspect of my life. My kids became work and a hassle, my marriage was on survival mode, my church life was for appearance's sake, and I had nothing to offer.

The lies in my head and my heart were repeated so often I had mistaken them for truth. I was hopeless, faithless, and had no self-confidence what so ever. I was going from day to day pretty much zombified.

But I'm always thankful to God! He never releases His grip on me. He never stops loving me. And when I finally shut myself up long enough to listen, I definitely heard Him speaking. Every Sunday sermon would plant a little seed... water it... nourish it. Little by little I've been seeing more of the Kingdom.

I heard a missionary say this morning that a lot of Christians go to church thinking about themselves; "I need help! I need strength! I need... I need... I need... me me me..." And these people constantly drag themselves from Sunday to Sunday. Not that there's anything wrong with needing help from the Lord, but his point was that maturity comes when we grow enough to show up at church and say, "Lord, Thank You! The cross is all I need, and You've given that for me. Now I'm here to bless You - let Your will be done." I think I've experienced this transition personally.

I can't pin-point a specific instance or moment when, somehow, my job is not just a job. And while I may not have all the details to disclose, I do believe that it is God's purpose for me to be there for this time and season - in accordance with His plans, which are always for good. Seeing this helps me bring my best foot forward, and I trust Him to know I'm not actually going backwards.

I look at our journey this year and I have to be thankful! I haven't been the most responsible, but by God's grace He has sustained us! Paul focused on his medical assistant certification all year, and again - it feels like one of those things where by the world's standards we're going backwards. But I finally believe we are headed in God's given direction, where He wanted Paul to go from the beginning; Paul has a heart to help people, and he's a science nerd. He is so gifted for it! He was created to do that and more. I wouldn't doubt Paul has it in him to be a Doctor, if the Lord so leads him. Every one that has gotten to know Paul, at the core of his heart, knows that he is relentless in believing the Lord for healing. How appropriate for him to put his faith to practice by having a career in the medical field!

My kids are growing and learning to rely on God. I hear them pray at night before they go to sleep and sometimes they are more mature than I am! They never pray for things, they always pray for people. They mostly pray for others. I've seen Anakin pray for children who are mean to him at day care or school with only the prompting of God's spirit. Even Caleb will ask God to bless everyone (dog and cat too) before he goes to sleep. It's my mission to build them up in their understanding of the Lord so that they can openly develop a relationship with Him.

Most of all, I'm seeing God give me my voice back. I'm having more "aha" moments, where something strikes me and I start listening. I'll eventually start writing these down. The main one I'm learning now, while I have to wait on the Lord to open up a job for Paul, to help us catch up financially and prayerfully move us on to a bit bigger apartment... is this:

"Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want."
1 Peter 4:1-2, The Message.

I'm not being ditched by God - I'm being refined. God has the heat up so that at the end of the day, we are free (fearless, uninhibited, unstoppable) to pursue whatever God may want. I will no longer be bullied by envy with all the things that every one else may have but that really possess no eternal value. God is creating mettle in me.
Mettle - vigor and strength of spirit, quality of temperament or disposition. The moral capacity and strength of character to overcome difficult situations with resilience.

I never heard of this word before and I had a pretty high SAT score! But I understand it now, seeing that God wants to build character in me with RESILIENCE. I'm learning this, accepting it, and seeing how it blossoms in my life. It's one of those hard lessons worth learning any time on this side of heaven.

Stretch out Your hand to heal

We struggle so much with carrying baggage in our hearts. I confess I've been hurting, feeling a false sense of condemnation. I can replay in my head all the things that others have done or said to me to prove their point that I'm a nobody. It isn't long before I'm saying these things to myself without their help. And not a lot of people have faith in me anyways.

I believe forgiveness is key, I haven't quite mastered unlocking that door though. I try. I can look back and see that people just make mistakes... they didn't really mean it. But I guess it always bugs me that they are ok with that; perfectly fine that I have to live with these emotional scars.

Then my real struggle begins when I'm trying not to scar my children in the same way. I don't ever want them to feel the way I do sometimes. I want them to know that they are gifts from God to this world, that He has a plan and a purpose for them, that they are here to do great things to advance His kingdom. Nothing less! No clauses, no fine print on that. Somehow life has made me feel like "I could've.. would've..." but it's too late for me, I'm doomed. And too many people would pitch in and say, "Well, you know... we tried to warn you. That's what you get..." But if this is true, then my children are consequences of a mistake, cursed. It just dawned on me that I was agreeing with this in my heart today and I couldn't stop crying. They aren't a punishment for not making wiser choices and using better birth control. They are seeds of greatness that God has placed under my care to bless me!

Oh gosh, what would that make of my marriage? I refuse to Paul through that either. He's a wonderful person...

I don't want to submit to that feeling, agree with the thought that by just living and a series of events that feel outside of my control I've somehow screwed up beyond repair, past where God could make something of me. But I don't have a whole lot of hope either. And it's so hard when every promise I read in the Bible I feel would apply to everyone else but me.

Why not me?

One day I would love to have the courage, the faith, and the resources to pursue my dream. And I've always said I'd be a veterinarian before I die, even if I go to school for it when I'm 50. I have no dream now though, it almost feels pointless to dream. Why bother desiring anything outside my income? And I'm not worth very much in that department either. It's not like I'm expecting God to step in and do anything for me. We have a place to sleep, food, and a vehicle and I'm no one in His kingdom to ask for anything more.

I'm not saying that these thought processes are biblical or Christ-like. I know that they are not. I'm struggling to replace those thoughts with Scripture in a way that I'll believe and will have as strong of an emotion attached to it. I'd like to FEEL hopeful. I'd like to FEEL faith-filled. I hardly pray.

I'm able to blog about this now because I'm finally able to put it into words. I was at church today during praise and worship and for the first time in a loooong time I felt this release inside my chest, like I could just tell God that I'm struggling with all these things in an open conversation. I can blog about it because I've already prayed about it and left it in God's hands.

There was never any question while Jesus walked the earth IF He could heal people. What people doubted was whether He'd be willing to. "If you are willing, you can make me well." "If my Lord says so, my servant can be healed." People lowered a paralytic on a bed sheet from a hole in the roof in front of Jesus because there was no question that He'd have the power to do something about it... if only He'd notice them.

I know He is willing. I just have to trust Him and wait through this.

In the mean time I hugged my kids and prayed for them during church. And I feed them and do laundry and clean the house come migraines or back-aches, sinus infections or not. I just love them the best I know how at the moment. It involves getting them to school and to church and back home again. I don't know how to do any better for them but I hope it's enough for now. And they love me, and they seem to be doing well developmentally so I must be doing something right.

I don't want encouragement. I want God to stretch out His hand towards me to make me whole again. Not to diss anybody, but it's one of those things I have to experience from Him; His healing touch, His help. I don't know how to explain what I'm looking for other than to say there's not a whole lot anyone can do about it. It takes people who have experienced a supernatural touch from God to understand that I just need Him to stretch out His hand to me.

I experienced a taste of it today, as we were singing. I feel a little bit of healing every time I go to church. I'm thankful to be a part of the church that leaves the door open for God to show up and expects the supernatural.

I can't imagine facing the hardships of life without a relationship with Jesus. I remember living that way when I was younger and I was never satisfied. I'm so glad He's here to help me now.