You know, lately the more and more I live and experience my walk with God, the more I choose to not live in the rut of mediocrity but in the adventure of the moment.
Wow that was a deep brain fart!
But what I mean is, I spent two years of my life in "mid-life crisis"... Only I'm not yet twenty-five!! I'm like, "Work, clean, kids, church... is this it? Is this really it?" Or I would be like, "I would've liked to have had the chance to... but..." As if I was a terminal cancer patient! So by the grace of God He is stirring up all these "childhood" desires and I'm going out there determined to give it my all.
So I tried my hand at racquetball. I suck, but I'm getting better (says Paul) and I think that will be the first sport I play since... ever. Yeah I know. I was that pathetic. I also push myself everytime I go to the gym to do something harder and longer than I did the previous work out.
Then I decided I wanted to do modeling. Which is bizarre. But I've always wanted to be on the spotlight - singing (yikes!), acting (drama queen), dancing (uh-UH!)... I never allowed myself to get competent at any of these things before. Now I'm putting it all out there. I'm screeching karaoke in my car. I'm dancing whenever I can. And I'm working with a local but internationally famous talent agency to see what develops. Not that I expect to do runway shows in Paris, but I know I'm going to get somewhere doing something I actually like because for the first time I'm actually trying 100%. Not half-way, quitting before I really try (because I don't want to make a fool out of me).
Are there girls who are thinner and taller and with more potential than me? Sure. Are there people who can sing/act/dance better than me? Duh. But at the end of the day, when I put my head on the pillow... do THEY matter? No! Because my life is not in comparison to THEM, it's in comparison to ME. Did I do better? Did I give it my all? Did I LIVE life or just drag along through it?
And it may bring the question of what does all of this have to do with being spiritual. Well, everything. Joy matters. Being content matters. Running forward, not looking back, matters. Discipline matters. The belief that I really CAN do ALL things BECAUSE of CHRIST who strengthens me. That verse has taught me that I can pursue something way out there, and give it my all, and when I'm done: He steps in.
I learned today that younger, skinnier, prettier girls are more insecure than me. I was almost in disbelief! They were more terrified, more shy, more afraid of rejection. I'm like, "Are you kidding me?!" And I figured out what I believe is the difference between me and them: I've got NOTHING to lose! There is nothing that can be done to me by man under the sun that will make me any less than what God made me to be. At the end of the day my Savior is holding my hand and come hail or high water He helps me to stand.
My prayer is that other people would get inspired and see this in themselves! Without a relationship with God, yeah, it is up to you and the people around you, and people fail, so it can suck pretty bad. But if you commit to God your dreams and you trust Him with them, then your heart and soul is anchored onto something that is as unshakable as eternity itself.
I read somewhere that God's will for you is the intersection of your dreams and passions and His desires for the Kingdom. I don't have to know exactly how my dreams and my passions will accomplish what He wants in His kingdom, but I know His heart and His character (through a relationship with Him and through His Word), so I can trust Him to unravel those details as I just take one step of faith after another.